Category: Movie Reviews

The Benchwarmers

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:20 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Benchwarmers
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Kiddie Movie: Sadly the Adam Sandler folks keep the humor in full toilet mode, so I have to say no.
Date Movie: Only if she liked “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.”
Gratuitous Sex: Some talk and hints.
Gratuitous Violence: Wedgies and tittie-twisters.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: For the easily amused.
Memorable Scene: Every time Clark (Heder) is up to bat.
Memorable Quote: Nothing really.
Directed By: Dennis Dugan

Critics everywhere are bashing “The Benchwarmers,” but not this critic. Nope, in the land of the easily amused, where farts and getting hit in the nuts are always funny, and trust me, that is my land, “The Benchwarmers” is a movie tailor-made for this critic. There was, though, some disappointment in the film, but mostly because I can’t recommend it for younger kids who this movie could really appeal to. Anyway, let’s get to the story.

In “The Benchwarmers” we get three buddies, Gus, Richie, and Clark, played respectively by Rob Schneider, David Spade, and Jon Heder. One day they come to the aid of a nerdy kid getting farted on, and then later in the day, when our trio is having some fun on the baseball diamond, they challenge the bully little league team for rights to the field. Yea, that’s right, it’s three dudes versus a full team of kids. As it goes, Richie and Clark have no baseball skills so pretty much it’s Gus striking out every kid on the other team, and hitting home runs every time he is up to bat.

It turns out that Mel (Jon Lovitz) hears of our trio’s conquest and dreams up a tournament where Gus, Richie, and Clark get to take on all of the bully little league teams in competition for a way-cool stadium to be paid by Mel. Suddenly the nerdy Gus, Richie, and Clark are on their way, kicking bully kid butt and taking names, all to the delight of the nerd nation. Controversy arrives later in the film, but, of course, everyone learns a lesson that yes, nerds and bullies can get along.

There are four names associated with this movie that will tell you exactly what you can expect: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder, and Adam Sandler (he’s not really in the movie, but is one of the Producers). What does that mean? Of course you know what it means – fart jokes, toilet humor, and overall dumb jokes that will make me laugh if that’s your cup of tea. And I did. Spade is great as the nerd working at the video store who, when he sees the girl of his dreams at the Pizza Hut, all he can say is “I like salad.” Schneider does a nice job as the savior of the team but still harboring a secret, and Heder is back to giving us the funny like he did in “Napoleon Dynamite.” Jon Lovitz is, well, doing his best Jon Lovitz.

There are no surprises here at the level of humor you are going to get, but I will say that there is something that did bum me out about the movie, and that is wondering why the Sandler folks always have to go so over the top that they can’t get the movie to a PG rating. Why do I say that? Because this really could have been a great movie for the 8 to 13 year old kid crowd, but the inclusion of the occasional “shit” here and there, and I’m sure the ratings board didn’t look too kindly on the drunken “little leaguer,” nor the excessive vomiting, thus kicking it into PG-13 range. What kept the movie rolling, especially towards the end of the film when the slapstick humor was getting old, were the little kids getting behind The Benchwarmer team, complete with internet broadcasts of the game with youngin’s calling the play-by-play. I guess my only recommendation to the Adam Sandler folks is sometime your audience doesn’t always have to be the teen crowd, sometimes you can triple your box-office take when you get mom and dad taking the kids to the movie, rather than just the fart-loving teen going with his other fart-loving teen friends.

If you’ve read my reviews before, you know I’m easily amused, and this movie easily amused me. With that, 3 ½ stars out of 5. The sad thing is that I think this could have easily been a 4 ½ star family film by being a little more creative with the humor rather than a having Gus join his wife in the shower so he could pee.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Beavis and Butthead Do America

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:20 Long
A Review by:
– Stu Gotz

Beavis and Butthead
Do America
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: The voices of Mike Judge, Robert Stack, Cloris Leachman, and what sounds like Demi Moore and Bruce Willis.
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Paramount Pictures
Kiddie Movie: I’m mature enough to understand these guys, the Three Stooges, and the old unedited Bugs Bunny, but I still don’t think Beavis and Butthead is cool for little kids.
Date Movie: You should be so lucky as to have a girl that likes Beavis and Butthead, and if she does, bring her out for this one.
Gratuitous Sex: Nope. Beavis and Butthead don’t score.
Gratuitous Violence: Car crashes, floods, Beavis being thrown from a car, and general mayhem.
Action: No, dammit. The boy’s don’t get any! Ohh… Action like in adventure? Sure. A little.
Laughs: Lots and lots.
Memorable Scene: Lot’s, but when the boy’s run into two former Motley Crew roadies who passed through Highland almost 16 years ago, “did it” with two sluts, and look remarkably like the boy’s, comes to mind. That or when Butthead makes a pass at Chelsea Clinton.
Memorable Quote: Again lot’s, but the dam, as in Hoover, jokes seem to stick out.
Directed By: Mike Judge

What is it about them that can, on a Friday 1:30pm showing, nearly fill an entire theater. About two thirds of the people were the type one would expect to show up, you know… The MTV generation, all those 16 year olds to the Twenty/Thirty Something’s. But the other third I could not explain nor did I expect to be there. What was with the business people dressed in suits? How about the mid-thirty’s moms and dads there with really small children? And lastly, what was with all the geritol’s? Could Beavis and Butt-head have charm and appeal to unite the generations? I would have never figured on that, I just thought they appealed to all us dysfunctional family bred slackers.

Before meeting the Dude on the Right at the show, I got to read the reviews in the papers. Most critics didn’t rate the movie too high and some other critics were just down right mean. What shallow minds? But let’s face it, you either like B&B, or you don’t. For you B&B fans out there I’m sure you’ve been waiting for this movie, and no matter what the critics say you’ll go out and see it. Good for you! Well let me add to your anticipation by saying this is one funny movie.

Beavis and Butt-head may be up to the same old shit, but it’s still funny. Be it inadvertently getting Anderson’s body cavity searched, to Van Dereasen’s ass kicked, or to Beavis spazzing out and becoming Cornholio. I laughed through it all. As we all already know Beavis and Butthead live for two things, TV and to someday “do it.” Well, when their TV is stolen, they set out to find it (sort of reminded me of Snoopy Come Home). As usual when the boys are out and about they get themselves in some trouble. This time they stumble across an arms dealer who mistakes them for hit men that he wants to hire to “do” his wife. He’s even willing to pay the boys to “do” his wife. Boy-o-boy have these guys hit the jackpot. Speaking of jackpots, it just so happens that the wife is out in Las Vegas (my favorite town next to Calgary). Herein comes the “Do America” part of the movie. Our friends head out to LV, but before they get to “do it” they get tricked by the wife into holding a secret weapon and taking a bus to Washington DC. Along the was they wreak havoc on Hoover dam (was it built by God thereby making it a “God dam?” Hey don’t get mad at me for that one. It was Beavis’ line). Then, amid the splendor of Old Faithful, they discover a cooler natural wonder – automatic flushing toilets. From there it’s taking confession at a Catholic mission, doing Peyote in the desert, and running amuck in the White House. At the finish, Anderson and not our heroes, gets it in the end, both literally and figuratively speaking. I could tell you more and with greater detail, but I don’t want to spoil all the fun for YOU.

“Beavis and Butt-head Do America” was all I expected it would be. Just plain, silly, and stupid fun. I would have like to have seen an appearance by Stuart and Buzz-Cut, but I guess I’ll have to wait for the next movie. “Next movie?” you say? Well I haven’t heard anything, but let’s face it, this movie should be big and make tons of money, and where there is money there is always a sequel. Look at the Police Squad, Star Trek, and Die Hard movies etc. And like good brain-washed lemmings I’m sure we’ll go out and see “Beavis and Butt-head Return,” “Beavis and Butt-head First Contact,” “Beavis and Butt-head – The College Years,” “Beavis and Butt-head Forever,” “Beavis and Butt-head – The Final Chapter,” “Beavis and Butt-head – One Last Time,” and so forth and so on. I liked “Beavis and Butt-head Do America” and I, without hesitation, recommend that if you’re already a B&B fan that you go out and see the movie.

I give “Beavis and Butt-head Do America” 3.5 stars out of 5 and I’m Stu Gotz. Penis. Aahhh, huh, huh, huh, huh… I said Penis.

Beerfest

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:50 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Beerfest
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Erik Stolhanske, Paul Soter, Jay Chandrasekhar, Steve Lemme , Kevin Heffernan, Philippe Brenninkmeyer
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Warner Bros.
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them to become beer drinking womanizers.
Date Movie: Only if she is a beer drinking womanizer.
Gratuitous Sex: Lots of gratuitous nudity and a bizarre sex scene.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Quite a few.
Memorable Scene: The destruction of Oktoberfest scene, especially since it led to lots of tops getting torn off.
Memorable Quote: Nothing stands out.
Directed By: Jay Chandresekhar

So there it was, 10:15 in the AM on Saturday, and I was this close to having a private screening of the latest film from the Broken Lizard boys, “Beerfest.” Then two more people came in for the 10:20 showing. From their chuckles and my chuckles, I think the three of us had an okay time at the movies. First the “Beerfest” story…

Todd (Erik Stolhanske) and Jan (Paul Soter) Wolfhouse are brothers. With the passing of their grandfather, they are given the task of taking his ashes back to Germany to the family resting place, and it has to be done during Oktoberfest. They are supposed to meet a man there who would take them to the location to spread the ashes, but they seem confused when the man leads them down a dark alley, and they find themselves at Beerfest, an underground competition of all things beer. While there they discover some family secrets, none too good it seems, and get humiliated at their renewed taste of beer competition. But back in the United States, they make a pact to return one year later and restore the family’s good name.

What to do? They have to assemble a beer-drinking team, and enlist folks they have known from their beer drinking primes. And so we get Landfill (Kevin Heffernan), the beer chugger; Fink (Steve Lemme), the science guy; and Barry (Jay Chandrasekhar), the king of the beer drinking games. And so our quintet of beer men begin their training, drinking mass quantities of beer, perfecting their beer drinking game skills, and finding out that Todd and Jan’s grandfather did steal the recipe for the world’s best beer (which they in turn begin serving at the restaurant), and that their grandmother is a whore.

Eventually tragedy strikes our team, but don’t worry, there are ways to get the team back together, and it is back to Germany where we are treated to competitions like “Mexican,” “The Long Pour,” “Speed Quarters,” “Beer Pong,” and my personal favorite, “Thumper.” Eventually our heroes face their German adversaries in the finals, and maybe get the family name back in the good graces of the German people.

The movie is silly fun, but that is exactly what you would probably expect from the “Super Troopers'” people, and come on, it’s a movie about a fictitious beer tournament that probably isn’t all that fictitious on college campuses everywhere, or at least won’t be fictitious anymore. The acting isn’t all that great, but do you really need great acting where most of the characters are supposed to be drunk most of the time? And you get the other things you might expect, like blatant nudity for no other reason than to just have it; a whacky sex scene; five dudes riding home on a tandem bicycle; bad German accents; good German accents; and a cameo by Willy Nelson.

In the end “Beerfest” wasn’t the greatest of films, but that’s okay. As I was telling The Dude on the Left about it, I pretty much explained that it wasn’t as good as “Super Troopers,” but not as bad as “Club Dread,” so I’m giving “Beerfest” 2 ½ stars out of 5. You will get pretty much everything you expect by seeing this movie, I can easily see myself getting sucked into this movie anytime it is on cable.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Bee Movie

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:30 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Bee Movie
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: The voices of Jerry Seinfeld, Renee Zellweger, Matthew Broderick, John Goodman, Chris Rock
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: Dreamworks Animation SKG
Kiddie Movie: It’s better for them.
Date Movie: Only if she’s the mother of the kids your are bringing.
Gratuitous Sex: Vanessa is curvy, but only in a cartoon way.
Gratuitous Violence: Some swatting at bees.
Action: Lots of flying sequences.
Laughs: A chuckle or two.
Memorable Scene: Nothing stood out.
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Steve Kickner, Simon J. Smith

About halfway through “Bee Movie” I thought “Enough already. Enough already with the “B” pun jokes. We get it, it’s a movie about bees.” And actually, about halfway through the movie I actually had about enough of the film. I guess I couldn’t put myself into the mindset of a six year old.

In “Bee Movie” we are shows a beehive like no other, complete with families and cars. Okay, fine, I get it, it’s a cartoon. Anyway, Barry B. Benson (voiced by Jerry Seinfeld) and Adam (voiced by Matthew Broderick) have recently graduated and it’s now time for them to decide what job at the hive they want to have for the rest of their lives. Barry, though, thinks life should have more choices rather than one job for life, and on a dare takes a trip with the “Pollen Jocks,” those bees responsible for gathering nectar and spreading pollen, and discovers our human world. He finds our world dangerous, invigorating, and strange, and would be dead if it weren’t for the kindness of Vanessa Bloome, voiced by Renee Zellweger, who is a florist (bloome, get it?), and likes bees. Barry does the one thing he isn’t supposed to do, and that is talk to humans in this case thanking Vanessa for saving his life, and Barry becomes smitten with her, and she seems kind of smitten with him as well. Eventually Barry finds out that us humans have been setting up bee camps and harvesting their honey, honey that is rightly the property of the bees. So, with the help of Vanessa, Barry sets out to sue the food companies that sell honey, not realizing the consequences of returning the honey to the beehives.

Oh, why am I even trying to come up with a synopsis for this movie? In the likes of cartoons the movie is alright, and I’m sure the kids will enjoy the bright colors and flying sequences, but I was rather bored with most of the movie. I also couldn’t believe they invoked a slavery reference of our enslaving the bees.

I have to say, even with all of the publicity for the movie, I was never really excited about seeing the film. The premise seemed cute enough, but not enough to last for an hour and a half, and you can only do so many bee/flower/insect puns without them getting old.

For me I’m giving “Bee Movie” 1 star out of 5, for the kids it’s probably somewhere around a 3 starrer, so I suppose I’ll sort of meld them together and give it 2 stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Bedazzled

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:33 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Bedazzled
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Brendan Fraser, Elizabeth Hurley, Frances O’Connor
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Kiddie Movie: Some of the talk gets pretty adult, especially the penis size hints.
Date Movie: Only if you want her to see you ogle over Elizabeth Hurley.
Gratuitous Sex: Elizabeth dresses in some nice outfits, but that’s about it.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: A couple of chuckles.
Memorable Scene: The wish sequence as the pro basketball player.
Memorable Quote: “All five of them banged me like a Salvation Army drum.”
Directed By: Harold Ramis

“Bedazzled” isn’t that bad of a movie, or at least an idea, but there were just so many things wrong with this remake that as I tried to think of the good things, well, even Elizabeth Hurley dressed skimpily throughout the movie didn’t even work.

In this movie you’ve got Elliot (Brendan Fraser). If you’re in corporate America, he’s the employee who is always trying to butt his way into your fun with your co-workers. He always tries to be friendly but so much so that you can’t stand him. You dodge him, give him the wrong times to meet you, and just can’t stand him even though all he really wants to be is your friend. He also has no luck with the ladies and the one girl he really likes, Alison (Frances O’Connor), won’t give him the time of day. Enter The Devil, played by Elizabeth Hurley. Easy enough, Elliot gets seven wishes and The Devil gets his soul. But The Devil is, well, tricky, so if you don’t make your wish with utmost detail, The Devil will technically make it come true, but not really how you want it.

Cases in point: Make a wish to be rich and powerful and married to Alison – get to be a drug lord whose wife is cheating on him. Make a wish to be a professional basketball player – get to be better than Michael Jordan but dumber than a box of rocks and with a small penis. Make a wish to be suave and deboner, a writer, a smooth talker, and want Alison to love you – get to be gay. You get the idea. The problem is Elliot never catches on to the Devil’s plan until he has two wishes left (The Devil says he has one wish, that the Big Mac and drink counted as a wish, but I contend that since that wish was before the contract was signed that it doesn’t count – get me Johnny Cochran!), and is just sick of the whole thing. Then he figures his way out of the contract without even knowing it, we get this sappy commentary about good and evil, and in the end Elliot finds the girl of his dreams.

What’s good? Hmm? Well, some of the wish sequences were cute, but you’ve already seen the good parts in the trailers, like when he can speak Spanish and realizes he can speak Spanish. Brendan isn’t bad as the hopeless romantic who doesn’t have a clue, but it just doesn’t push the funny parts to the next level.

What’s bad? Hmm? Elizabeth Hurley is a crappy Devil. Sure, there are parts where she looks good, but she just doesn’t seem to really have any evil in her, at least not in this role. Then there are the dream sequences. Is Elliot really that stupid that it takes him five wishes to figure out the Devil’s plan? I guess so. Then there is Frances O’Connor in one of the worst performances I have ever seen. Sure there are times when she seems sweet and you can see why Elliot would like her, but quite honestly, it seemed like she had no idea what she was supposed to be doing in her role. I’m not saying that it’s her fault, but her character is useless and there are times when it looks like she’s standing there, laughing at the joke, rather than staying in her role.

By the end of the movie, especially with the good versus evil commentary by The Devil to Elliot, I was just tired. The movie was only an hour and a half but it seemed like an eternity (how’s that for a cheesy review-line!). Really, “Bedazzled” just didn’t work on too many levels and that was too bad. It’s 1 ½ stars out of 5. I say wait for cable on this one, or at worst a rental when the movie you really want isn’t in stock.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Beach

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:53 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Beach
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Tilda Swinton, Virginie Ledoyen, Robert Carlisle
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: 20th Century Fox
Kiddie Movie: Not at all.
Date Movie: I saw two couples leave in the middle – leave her at home.
Gratuitous Sex: Sex and nudity and I’m still only giving it 1 1/2 star.
Gratuitous Violence: People get shot and some shark wounds.
Action: Some chasing.
Laughs: The movie.
Memorable Scene: The shark wounds.
Memorable Quote: “We’re in dope heaven!”
Directed By: Danny Boyle

Because I’m usually pretty easy to please, if you put some quality violence, some nice gore, a hot lady or two (getting naked is a plus), and the potential for a good movie, well, everything can suck and I’ll still give it a decent rating. “The Beach” had all of that, but I just can’t get past the scene where Richard (Leonardo DiCaprio) goes nuts. It was at that point that I saw two couples leave the movie, and I wanted to also except I had to see where it would all end up. It ended up with a commercial for Macintosh.

I don’t know, ever since “Titanic” it seems like I’ve seen DiCaprio trying to get out of the teenage heart-throb persona that it gave him. There were the stories of his bar hopping in L.A., there was his role in “Celebrity,” and now there is “The Beach.” As Richard, he narrates his way into Bangkok, where he seems to intentionally over-emphasize the “kok” part when he says it, finding himself sick of home and looking for adventure. Shacking up in a bug-infested hotel, one room next to him holds the hot Francoise (Virginie Ledoyen) while the opposite room holds the psychotic Daffy (Robert Carlisle). While sharing a joint through the wall partition, Daffy tells Richard of this beautiful island paradise, with the coolest beach and the best pot. As Richard’s fate has it, the next day there is a map on his door to the island, Daffy went totally wacky, and Richard asks Francoise and her boyfriend if they want to try and find the island. They go along.

So, yea, they find the island paradise, half inhabited by pot-growing folk ready to kill anyone who invades their plantation, the other half inhabited by a commune of hippie-folk, seemingly self-sufficient until someone makes a run to the mainland when the necessities of home become more important than the beautiful beach. Well, Richard falls for Francoise (there’s a surprise – who wouldn’t?), she falls for him, they get naked in the lagoon, and all is well until a group of folks who Richard slipped a copy of the map to try to show up. Richard is sent to a twisted solitary confinement waiting for them to arrive so he can steal the map back, and in the meantime, well, goes insane.

I suspended my disbelief about the movie up until this point because it was a movie, but when Richard finds himself hallucinatingly traipsing through the jungle after the enemy, my suspension of reality turned to “when is this going to end?”

DiCaprio does a decent job as the thrill-seeking Richard, Ledoven is hot and gets naked, you’ve got a couple of gruesome shark bites, and some folks get gunned down. The movie had potential, but seemed to overdue it on the shock value instead of keeping a little bit of realism. My main case in point on this was Daffy’s suicide. The story was that Daffy slit his wrists, his guts, or maybe his neck. Fine, the dude killed himself, but the room, with blood everywhere, and I mean everywhere, looked like his body exploded rather than just a suicide. Maybe a hopped-up-on-drugs suicide can splatter blood all over a room, what do I know, but it just bothered me.

So, with that, I say wait for cable on this one, even with the blood, gore, sex, nudity, and potential for a good story. It just doesn’t go there. 1 ½ star out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Be Cool

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:59 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Be Cool
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: John Travolta, Uma Thurman, Vince Vaughn, Cedric the Entertainer, Harvey Keitel, The Rock
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: MGM
Kiddie Movie: The story is adult. Leave them at home.
Date Movie: Good for everyone.
Gratuitous Sex: It’s PG-13, so mostly just suggestive.
Gratuitous Violence: There is some shooting.
Action: No chase scenes, really.
Laughs: I laughed a lot.
Memorable Scene: Any scene with Sin and his posse.
Memorable Quote: “Unless you want an ‘R’ rating, you can only use the ‘F’ word once. I say ‘Fuck that.’ That’s it.” (Editor’s note: And that was it for the use of the ‘F’ word)
Directed By: F. Gary Grey

I don’t know why, maybe because I never read any books by Elmore Leonard and I haven’t seen “Get Shorty,” so I didn’t have any preconceived notions of how the movie should be, and even though John Travolta didn’t seem that great in this movie, I enjoyed “Be Cool.” From the others reviews I’ve seen, it seems that there goes some more of my movie review credibility out the window. Anyway, here’s the story…
Travolta plays Chili Palmer. It seems he’s pretty much sick of being in the movie business and thinks that maybe the music business is where he should stick his nose, especially since he is acquainted with a rising talent, Linda Moon (Christina Milian), and also the recently widowed record executive Edie (Uma Thurman), whose husband, Tommy (James Woods) was gunned down during a meeting with Chili. Chili takes Linda away from Raji (Vince Vaughn who has yet to let me down), her manager who thinks he’s black and totally overacts the part. And then the trouble starts.

Like normal, things don’t always go as easy as you would like. It seems Linda has already signed a contract with Raji and his boss, music dude Nick (Harvey Keitel), so Chili has to figure out a way to resolve that issue. Also, it appears Edie’s record company owes producer Sin (Cedric the Entertainer) a big chunk of change, but sadly, the company is broke and Sin is threatening that some heads will role if he doesn’t get his cash. There’s also some Russian dudes who aren’t too happy with Chili, and the feds think somehow Chili has some information on the mob in town. Who you gonna call when things are this out of control? Of course, you’re gonna call Steven Tyler, whose clothes you used to wash, and he will somehow save the day. Yes, that is correct, you call Steven Tyler, get him to listen to a tape of Linda, and suddenly things work out in the end. And, oh yea, toss in a gay, Samoan, “wants to be an actor” bodyguard named Elliot (The Rock).

Look, there are way to many plot things going on to have me write a full synopsis, but yes, all of them are intertwined in one way or another, and I thought it was marvelous, especially when it all came full-circle as Nick opens the package at the pawn shop.

I don’t know if this was the intent, and I think it’s the reason I liked this movie so much, but for me this was a movie making fun of the entire music, and for what it’s worth, movie industries. There was Raji, totally overacting the white dude who wants to act black, complete with the red, pimp outfit, and unable to command sounding street. Sin and his gangsta’s so overplayed the gangsta stereotype it was hilarious, and the Russian mob was even over-the-top. Not to mention The Rock who is my first pick for an Oscar next year because even if you have no interest in this movie, he is freakin’ hilarious and a reason to see this movie. All that, and I think I’m back in love with Uma Thurman and I’m not really sure why.

I took the movie for a campy look at Hollywood and had a good time with it. You might not, and obviously a lot of other critics didn’t see it the same way, but I know a lot of people around me were laughing. It’s 4 stars out of 5 for me. Maybe don’t try to take the movie as seriously as other people I suppose.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Battlefield Earth

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:57 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Battlefield Earth
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: John Travolta, Barry Pepper, Forest Whitaker
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Warner Bros.
Kiddie Movie: They might like it, but I doubt it.
Date Movie: Only if you want to break up with them.
Gratuitous Sex: Nope.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots of shooting of funky lasers, but it ends up lame.
Action: Some chase scenes.
Laughs: The movie.
Memorable Scene: None.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Roger Christian

This review will be short. Why? Because I don’t want to waste your time the way the movie “Battlefield Earth” wasted mine. I can usually find some good in a movie, maybe a song, maybe some quality violence, maybe some nudity, maybe a good line. But “Battlefield Earth” had none. Sure, somebody out there might like it, but it sure as hell wasn’t me.

Story wrap up: It’s 1000 years from now, the earth has been taken over by aliens, some people are living like American Indians (the resurrection of the tee-pee) on the run, a dude goes to see the world, stumbles across a miniature golf course and a mall (good to see they held up so well), gets captured, and decides he can save the world. Also, a bad dude alien is pissed because he got caught sleeping with the bosses daughter so the boss won’t let him come back to the home planet, so the bad dude decides to use humans to steal some gold. He teaches our hero the alien language, how to fly, and lets this human learn some world history. Hero rounds up some other people, they all learn how to fight, fly, and a bad cliché “Piece of cake” which I found odd since I’m thinking cake has long since become a memory. They save the world, but leave the door open for the sequel. God I hope not.

The story isn’t that bad, maybe the book isn’t that bad, but the movie is. You get two hours of bad dialogue, pretty cheesy effects, screen swipes that can be done better by 95% of movie students, lots of things that make no sense in any real world, and camera shots that look like the cameraman had one leg shorter than the other (just about every shot/scene was tilted at an angle, I’m sure for some dramatic effect, but it just gave me a stiff neck).

Don’t waste your money at the theater, don’t wait for the video, don’t worry if you don’t have HBO or Showtime when it comes to cable, and read a book when it comes to regular TV. I wasted my time on this one so you don’t have to. Zero stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Barnyard

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:23 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Barnyard
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Voices of: Kevin James, Courteney Cox, Danny Glover, Andie MacDowell, Wanda Sykes
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: Paramount Pictures
Kiddie Movie: Keep the younger ones away, or be prepared for some nightmares.
Date Movie: Only if you’re going to the movie with your kids.
Gratuitous Sex: Technically there are a lot of boobs hanging out, but nah.
Gratuitous Violence: The coyote scenes are a little rough for the little ones.
Action: There’s some car chasing going on.
Laughs: A couple of funny moments.
Memorable Scene: The cows being chased by the police, ala “Cops.”
Memorable Quote: Nothing stood out.
Directed By: Steve Oedekerk

First off, let me get this out of the way. I know cows are female, yet in the movie “Barnyard” cows are portrayed as both male and female. For those of you complaining about this, get over it. It’s a movie, all of the animals talk and party, and maybe the easiest thing for you to do, if you can’t get past the fact of male cows with udders, just consider them man-boobs. Fine, let’s get to the story…

As life has it in this cartoon world of “Barnyard,” farm animals can walk on two legs and talk to each other, but the underlying rule is that they only do it when us humans aren’t watching. For this movie, Ben (voiced by Sam Elliott) is the leader of the animals on the farm, and also their chief protector from the big, bad, coyotes. He’s got a son, Otis (Kevin James), who pretty much just likes to goof off and have fun. Ben is constantly trying to get Otis to take life a little more serious, to grow up as it would be, and maybe take over someday as the leader of the animals, but Otis wants nothing of it, he just wants to party. But wouldn’t you know it, in a cartoon story that isn’t that surprising, there is tragedy at the farm, with Ben biting the bullet, or rather the coyotes biting Ben, and the rest of the movie being about Otis overcoming his grief, stepping up to the plate, and making Dad proud. And wouldn’t you also know it, Otis does just that, although it does take him a little while to get it all figured out.

In the meantime we are treated to Otis falling in love with the new cow on the farm, Daisy (Courteney Cox), find out that cows know how to not only drive cars, but also how to hot-wire them, that the animals can put together a decent band, that little boys shouldn’t go cow-tipping around this farm, and although the animals aren’t really sure what a vegan is, they are sure grateful that there farmer is one.

I have to say that I did enjoy the story of the movie, even if it pretty much is a retelling of the “son must learn to grow-up” story. I also have to say that as cute as the movie was at times, it didn’t do that much for my entertainment value, and the little girl in back of me didn’t seem to find it very entertaining either judged by her fidgety-ness and kicking my seat throughout the film. I guess the only reason I can point my finger at why I wasn’t entertained was simply because once the joke was done, about acting like animals in front of humans and acting like humans when the humans are gone, the jokes aren’t really there anymore.

Ben’s dying seemed to be a little rough for some of the younger kids, and the coyotes also seemed pretty scary for them as well, so even though this is geared towards the kids, keep in mind it is PG and the little ones might have some coyote nightmares for a few days. But all in all, I guess I’m sort of split on this movie, so I’ll just wrap it up with 2 ½ stars out of 5. The movie does have some fun moments, but other than those, I just left the theater going “That was okay, I guess.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Bad Santa

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:31 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Bad Santa
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, Brett Kelly, Lauren Graham, Bernie Mac
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Dimension Films
Kiddie Movie: Definitely not, no matter how loudly the kids scream they want to see the movie.
Date Movie: If she’s got a twisted sense of humor.
Gratuitous Sex: Some pretty wild scenes.
Gratuitous Violence: Some punches get thrown, and some gunfire, too.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: Lots of them.
Memorable Scene: Too many to mention.
Memorable Quote: Too many to mention.
Directed By: Terry Zwigoff

The trailers for “Bad Santa” sure provided a challenge for parents as their kids were now asking “Daddy, why is Santa bad?” I’m not a parent, nor do I pretend to be, but I suppose parents had to adjust their explanation of Santa Clause a bit, maybe explaining that sometimes Santa’s helpers, you know, those ones at the mall, end up being naughty, not nice, and Santa still treats them the same and they will get a lump of coal in their stocking hung by the fireplace. Anyway, I wasn’t presented with that problem, I was just looking for a twisted Christmas movie, and I sure got it.

Pretty much the story goes that Willie (Billy Bob Thornton) and Marcus (Tony Cox) infiltrate a different mall every year, posing as Santa and his helper elf, in order to case out the joint and rob it of its loot. Every year Willie says that this will be his last job, then when the money runs out, well, he’s back to calling up Marcus setting up the next job. As it turns out, this time The Kid (Brett Kelly) shows up on Santa’s lap, and then lets Willie into his life. Early on we don’t really know if The Kid really believes Willie is Santa, we hope not, and that somehow Willie is just taking the place of a father-figure, a really twisted father-figure at that, because The Kid’s parents are going to be away from the house for a few years (the kid is being taken care of by his totally out of it grandmother).

Meanwhile, Willie goes about the holiday season being totally hammered, or banging fat women in the dressing rooms, at least until he meets up with Sue (Lauren Graham), a bartender with a Santa fetish, even if Santa is a drunk loser. Marcus, on the other hand, just keeps trying his best to hold the con together, mostly threatening legal action for firing a black elf.

“Bad Santa” is a dark comedy in every sense of the word, yet still humorous in a truly adult way. But for those of you easily offended, who were appalled at the trailer running during a football game and having to explain things to your kids, well, you probably won’t find the humor in it at all. The ending gives you a couple of fun plot twists, and although I’m usually one rooting for the darkest of endings, “Bad Santa” actually ended in a sappy, yet still dark, sort of way.

This movie is definitely not for everyone. If you found the trailer the least bit offensive, stay away, but for the rest of you there is a humor present. You won’t be huddling around the fireplace year after year waiting for “Bad Santa” to come on the TV so you can watch it with your family, and I highly doubt TBS will be having 24 hours of “Bad Santa”, but for adult humor at the holiday time, this one fits the bill. It’s 4 stars out of 5 for “Bad Santa.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!