Tag: Rob Schneider

Eight Crazy Nights

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:16 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Eight Crazy Nights
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Voices of Adam Sandler, Jackie Titone, Austin Stout, Kevin Nealon, Rob Schneider
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Release Date: 2002
Kiddie Movie: It’s not a kiddie cartoon.
Date Movie: It’s not a date cartoon.
Gratuitous Sex: It’s got a three-boobed woman.
Gratuitous Violence: Wedgies and tumbling in a port-a-potty.
Action: None.
Laughs: Ehh.
Memorable Scene: The holiday banquet was very disturbing.
Memorable Quote: Whitey’s sister: “Whitey, they were giving lobster bibs in the bathroom!”
Directed By: Seth Kearsley

Adam Sandler had a chance to make a Holiday classic. Alright, maybe not a classic, but at least a nice movie you could watch with the kids. Instead he made “Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights.”

How’s this for a nice holiday story. Davey is in his early thirties. He’s the town drunk, causing havoc for anyone in a good mood, especially during the holidays. In front of the judge again, well, the judge is ready to throw the book at him except an old man, Whitey, stands up and wants to take Davey under his wing, hoping to bring Davey back to the good side of society. The judge agrees, so now Davey is an assistant referee to Whitey for the youth leagues. There was something in his past that made Davey the way he is. Whitey knows it, the old love of his life Jennifer knows it, only Davey can’t face his past to get to his future. With the help of Whitey, Davey eventually comes to terms with his past, and in the process helps Whitey to realize the love the townsfolk have for him.

It’s a nice premise, could be sort of nice for the entire family, except Sandler and his writers turn to crap to try to make a nice story funny. And I literally mean crap, as in once scene where Davey finds it funny to dump Whitey over in a port-a-potty, Whitey emerging covered in crap, Davey hosing Whitey down turning him into a crap-sicle, and then having deer lick the crap off of Whitey. And, oh yea, the movie also has a three-boobed woman.

This movie is rated PG-13 and it’s not because Sandler and friends made it funny with poop and sex jokes. It’s because Sandler and friends made it un-funny with poop and sex jokes, and this makes me somewhat sad because Sandler could have either a) made a decent gross-out cartoon or b) dropped his name from the marquee (therefore not scaring away some parents from bringing their kids), dropped the poop and sex jokes, and made a holiday cartoon that could have been rated PG, or even G, that the entire family could enjoy. Then, of course, Sandler could have used real people in this movie, instead of it being a cartoon, and it probably would have been funnier because real people are involved. The potential was there for either, instead they made a nice story into crap.

I generally like Adam Sandler style humor, but this movie just lost it on too many levels. It’s 1 ½ star out of 5 for “Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights.” And, oh yea, the movie opens with a movie short called “A Day With Meatball,” an unfunny movie about a dog.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:17 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Rob Schneider, Eddie Griffin
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Release Date: 2005
Kiddie Movie: Definitely not.
Date Movie: Depends on if your date is an inhabitant of Easily Amused.
Gratuitous Sex: Mostly nudity and talk.
Gratuitous Violence: People get thrown through windows.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: If you are an inhabitant of Easily Amused.
Memorable Scene: The scene where Deuce’s “stop whales from beaching” device goes haywire.
Memorable Quote: Too many.
Directed By: Mike Bigelow

I can fully understand critics giving this movie zero stars, ½ star, or maybe 1 star. I really can. I understand this, because, yes, the movie is everything these critics have been writing or saying about it. But “Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo” is the kind of movie made not having a critic’s opinion in mind, but rather appealing to the folks of the country of Easily Amused, of which I am proclaiming myself King, because, yes, as dumb as the movie pretty much was, I couldn’t help but laugh at each of the new words and phrases that were invented to replace the word “penis.” And who can’t appreciate a pimp-boat.

Deuce Bigalow’s (Rob Schneider) last couple of years haven’t been going well. First he loses his wife with one leg to a turtle feeding mishap where the lettuce was tainted with meat, inviting the sharks to come along, that once they spit out the lettuce decided Kate would make a better meal. Then his development of a device to stop whales from beaching kinda goes haywire. Now Bruce is a wanted man and thank goodness for Bruce that his old buddy T.J. (Eddie Griffin) is having some issues in Amsterdam and invites Bruce to pay him a visit.

It seems that gigolos are having a bit of a problem in Amsterdam, namely they are being killed off, and T.J. is worried as business starts to dry up. When T.J. is framed for one of the murders, it’s now up to Deuce to go under-cover, meeting up, again, with a variety of freaky women (one has a penis for a nose, watch out for her sneeze, another who has more of a blow-hole rather than a tracheotomy, watch out for hiccups, and another has giant ears, so of course there is no better way to get a man to stop checking out her ears if she were to get a boob job), and once again, rather than just being the man-whore that he is, he makes the women feel better about themselves. As Deuce’s investigation gets deeper and deeper, of course there is also a love interest that develops for Deuce, and yes, in the end, Deuce saves the gigolos from being blown up, and all is back to normal in the man-whore world.

Like I said, as King of Easily Amused, I knew what to expect going into this film, and got exactly that, and a little bit more thanks to the likes of Norm Macdonald as a crotchety old man-whore. There is also an extension of the vocabulary for the word “penis,” and I’m sure I missed some, but we find “Lock Ness Monster,” “schlong,” “man-gina,” “he-pussy,” “magic shenis,” “snatch pole,” and “she cock” to name a few. We are also introduced to some new terminology for kinky sex acts, expanding on the “Dirty Sanchez” to give us things like the “Filthy Ramirez,” “Cambodian Creamsicle,” “Turkish Sno-Cone,” “Chili Rainbow,” and the scarily portrayed “Portuguese Breakfast.”

Look, the boys are in Amsterdam, so you definitely get some drug use, some nudity, and some kinky sex. You also get exactly what you will expect from this movie, so for those critics who gave it zero stars, like I said, I understand your stance, but for me, it’s 3 ½ stars out of 5 for being exactly what it was made out to be: humor for us in the land of Easily Amused. Stupid. Yea, so what, but I still enjoyed it and that’s why I’m King.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:28 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Rob Schneider, Arija Bareikis
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Touchstone Pictures
Release Date: 1999
Kiddie Movie: Lots of bad language and adult jokes. Too young and they’ll ask too many questions.
Date Movie: It’s more a dude movie, but she might like it if she has a warped sense of humor.
Gratuitous Sex: Nothing gratuitous.
Gratuitous Violence: Some things breaking.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: It’s better on video.
Memorable Scene: None.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Sid Ganis, Barry Bernardi

I really didn’t like “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo” when it was in the theaters. Maybe I was just in a bad mood, but I didn’t find it funny, wondered why it was made, and just didn’t like it. Back then I gave it 1 star. But then I got the DVD and decided that this movie really isn’t that bad.

Rob Schneider plays Deuce Bigalow. He’s a fish tank cleaner who gets most of his enjoyment by making the girl in the fish store dip her breasts in the snail tank so he can see her boobs. He gives his fish bottled water and drinks rusty pipe water, and he ends up taking care of a cool, gigolo’s fish while the gigolo is out of the country. He accidentally trashes the place and needs to come up with a ton of cash or face the wrath of Antoine, the cool gigolo, and with the help of T.J., a man pimp, becomes a gigolo, or rather, a man whore, himself. But Deuce doesn’t score the hot chicks, nope, T.J. sets Deuce up with the “freaks” where Deuce charms the ladies with good verbal skills rather than being good in the sack.

Alright, to be a little more fair the movie does go deeper than that, sort of preaching the message that everyone is special in their own way, and maybe because I was in a better mood, maybe being a little bit older, or maybe being at home where I don’t try to engross myself in a movie most of the time, but this time I enjoyed “Deuce Bigalow..”. The scenes that gave me chuckles in the theater gave me chuckles again, like the narcoleptic girl who tied her hair to the light so she wouldn’t drown in her soup when she fell asleep, but also felt a little sorry for Deuce, especially as his relationship with Kate fell apart.

It’s an adult rental but remember to bring out the child in you when you watch it. If you do as I say it’s 3 stars out of 5. If you’re looking for an intelligent comedy, “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo” isn’t it, but if your looking for stupid fun, go ahead and rent it!

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Animal

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:17 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Animal
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Rob Schneider
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Kiddie Movie: Not too young.
Date Movie: Let her go see “Moulin Rouge.”
Gratuitous Sex: The movie set was a little cold at times, but that’s about it.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Toilet humor mostly.
Memorable Scene: None.
Memorable Quote: “Is it true you can smell what’s up people’s butts?”
Directed By: Luke Greenfield

I hate to sort of bash a movie when the kids that were leaving seemed to enjoy it so much, but I just thought “The Animal” could have been a much more funny movie if it were geared towards the younger-youngins rather than the just getting to the puberty-youngins. Sure, it had the toilet humor you might expect, and sure it had Colleen Haskell, the little cutie from the first Survivor, and sure it had a fun cameo by Norm MacDonald and Adam Sandler, but I think it just missed its calling.

Rob Schneider plays Marvin Mange. Basically he’s a loser stuck as a clerk in the police evidence room. His dad was a great cop and his dream is to become a great cop like his dad. The problem is that he has neither the instincts nor the aptitude to be a cop. One day his car careens off a cliff and Marvin is next to death. Well, Marvin is rescued by a cooky doctor (Michael Caton) who saves Marvin by replacing his body parts with animal organs. As miraculous as that is, well, it only takes a week for Marvin to recuperate and he’s back on the job unaware of his surgery except that he begins to notice some changes in his actions, you know, things like being able to sniff out drugs, run faster than a horse, dry himself off without a towel, and unless he doesn’t shower I’m sure the had to have noticed the excessive hair on his butt.

While getting his shot on the police force by catching the drug smuggler in the airport, well, Marvin also begins seeing Riana (Haskell) who is an animal and tree lover. There is also a couple of other things that Marvin is noticing, namely his voracious appetite for raw meat and his sexual urges. Finally Marvin hooks up with the cooky doctor who tells him about his surgery and tries to help Marvin deal with his urges. I think that’s enough of the story.

I had a couple of problems with the movie. One was that the jokes basically relied on Marvin’s new-found sexual urges, even to the point of him trying to get it on with a goat and him peeing to mark out his territory, and the other was the stupid sub-plot of Marvin’s friend Miles (Guy Torry), a black guy who thinks he is just getting special treatment because white people feel bad his ancestors were slaves. Not that they weren’t funny at times, and other times they just seemed stupid, but for a movie that could have really been great for kids, well, they even made me a little uncomfortable.

I think they should have kept the movie clean, geared it more towards the fun things Marvin could do now that he had animal instincts and abilities, and just let it be a good family film. Schneider did his best with what he had to work with and Colleen was cute (although I think she’s too squinty), but the movie just went for the cheap jokes instead of really trying to be creative.

Sometimes you get what you pay for or expect and for your hard-earned dollar you get an hour and a quarter of jokes for thirteen year old boys. I can appreciate those jokes as much as the next guy, so I’ll give the movie 2 1/2 stars out of 5 for being what I expected (actually, I’ll make that 3 stars for the scene where the set must have been a little chilly), but in all honesty, you should really just wait for this movie to hit cable.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Benchwarmers

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:20 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Benchwarmers
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Kiddie Movie: Sadly the Adam Sandler folks keep the humor in full toilet mode, so I have to say no.
Date Movie: Only if she liked “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo.”
Gratuitous Sex: Some talk and hints.
Gratuitous Violence: Wedgies and tittie-twisters.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: For the easily amused.
Memorable Scene: Every time Clark (Heder) is up to bat.
Memorable Quote: Nothing really.
Directed By: Dennis Dugan

Critics everywhere are bashing “The Benchwarmers,” but not this critic. Nope, in the land of the easily amused, where farts and getting hit in the nuts are always funny, and trust me, that is my land, “The Benchwarmers” is a movie tailor-made for this critic. There was, though, some disappointment in the film, but mostly because I can’t recommend it for younger kids who this movie could really appeal to. Anyway, let’s get to the story.

In “The Benchwarmers” we get three buddies, Gus, Richie, and Clark, played respectively by Rob Schneider, David Spade, and Jon Heder. One day they come to the aid of a nerdy kid getting farted on, and then later in the day, when our trio is having some fun on the baseball diamond, they challenge the bully little league team for rights to the field. Yea, that’s right, it’s three dudes versus a full team of kids. As it goes, Richie and Clark have no baseball skills so pretty much it’s Gus striking out every kid on the other team, and hitting home runs every time he is up to bat.

It turns out that Mel (Jon Lovitz) hears of our trio’s conquest and dreams up a tournament where Gus, Richie, and Clark get to take on all of the bully little league teams in competition for a way-cool stadium to be paid by Mel. Suddenly the nerdy Gus, Richie, and Clark are on their way, kicking bully kid butt and taking names, all to the delight of the nerd nation. Controversy arrives later in the film, but, of course, everyone learns a lesson that yes, nerds and bullies can get along.

There are four names associated with this movie that will tell you exactly what you can expect: Rob Schneider, David Spade, Jon Heder, and Adam Sandler (he’s not really in the movie, but is one of the Producers). What does that mean? Of course you know what it means – fart jokes, toilet humor, and overall dumb jokes that will make me laugh if that’s your cup of tea. And I did. Spade is great as the nerd working at the video store who, when he sees the girl of his dreams at the Pizza Hut, all he can say is “I like salad.” Schneider does a nice job as the savior of the team but still harboring a secret, and Heder is back to giving us the funny like he did in “Napoleon Dynamite.” Jon Lovitz is, well, doing his best Jon Lovitz.

There are no surprises here at the level of humor you are going to get, but I will say that there is something that did bum me out about the movie, and that is wondering why the Sandler folks always have to go so over the top that they can’t get the movie to a PG rating. Why do I say that? Because this really could have been a great movie for the 8 to 13 year old kid crowd, but the inclusion of the occasional “shit” here and there, and I’m sure the ratings board didn’t look too kindly on the drunken “little leaguer,” nor the excessive vomiting, thus kicking it into PG-13 range. What kept the movie rolling, especially towards the end of the film when the slapstick humor was getting old, were the little kids getting behind The Benchwarmer team, complete with internet broadcasts of the game with youngin’s calling the play-by-play. I guess my only recommendation to the Adam Sandler folks is sometime your audience doesn’t always have to be the teen crowd, sometimes you can triple your box-office take when you get mom and dad taking the kids to the movie, rather than just the fart-loving teen going with his other fart-loving teen friends.

If you’ve read my reviews before, you know I’m easily amused, and this movie easily amused me. With that, 3 ½ stars out of 5. The sad thing is that I think this could have easily been a 4 ½ star family film by being a little more creative with the humor rather than a having Gus join his wife in the shower so he could pee.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!