Home Page Archives - Page 14 of 53

Fasten Your Seat Belt and Check Your Vomit Bag

Loading ...

One of my favorite songs lately has been “Drunk on a Plane” from Dierks Bentley. It’s a nice ditty about a dude who gets dumped by his fiancé and decides to take his honeymoon trip anyway. While on the plane he decides he should start drinking, starts a party by getting drinks for everyone but the pilot, the stewardess gives him some “mile-high attention,” and the 737 is “rockin’ like a G6.” But hey, all is well because as the song says, he’s “Drunk on a plane.”

I’ve done a little bit of flying in my days and have had the occasional beverage while on board, but usually my drinking would start before the flight in an airport bar as, especially in my single days, I would get to the airport insanely early. I would say the tipsiest I’ve ever been had to be the time my buddy and I were on our way back from a cruise I was awarded for being an awesome Radio Shack Manager. Our flight back to the real world was delayed because of weather and we were warned they could push away from the gate at any time if there was a break. This led to multiple trips from the gate to the bar where we would get to the bar, order drinks, pound it down, get back to the gate, find the plane didn’t leave without us, and head back to the bar.

Finally we made one last run to the gate, they announced the plane would be leaving, it was time to take our seats, and I will say that I was drunk on a plane though instead of any stewardess mile-high attention, well, I just slept. I didn’t however, check my vomit bag and luckily I didn’t need it.

I only mention this because I don’t regularly check my vomit bag, or I suppose the better term would be airsickness bag, but after a different flight I took with some buddies, if you ever think you might be sick on a plane as opposed to drunk on a plane, or maybe hand in hand, you might want to add checking it to your pre-flight safety review. The reason for this is that sometimes you get a person who took a flight before you, the kind of person who is a jokester, and finds it funny by tearing the bottom off of the bag. Yes, you know what that means: In that moment you find yourself in an unfortunate situation, feeling sick on a plane, pulling out the barf bag, doing that heaving thing, and at least trying to contain your spew, you will find yourself with a lap full of sick. You will have people like my buddy to thank.

Vomiting and my helpful airline tip aside, and not having ever ended up “passed out in the baggage claim” as the dude in the song fears he might wind up, I do wonder: Have you ever been drunk on a plane?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

A Mighty Tasty Fish Fry

Loading ...

Friday Fish Fry at Freddie's West End at Lake Como

It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good fish fry. I’ve been trying to remember when it might have been, but I hate to think it was before my Mom died over five years ago and it would have been from Slovak Home back in Lorain, the staple of the Friday Fish Fry in my youth and in my older years whenever I would make it home to visit and Mom wanted fish fry. For years I would think about trying to find one near me in Illinois. Usually it came down to seeing a sign advertising a fish fry during the week, but then when Friday would come I would forget about it until after dinner saying “Oh yea. I wanted a fish fry.”

Low and behold I found myself in the other land of the Friday Fish Fry, Wisconsin. A brief 4^th of July weekend getaway and I’m at Lake Como, the other lake by Lake Geneva, staying at a little house right near the water. My wife, in charge of finding things to do and food to eat, during her first batch of searches, came up with going to Popeye’s, a local touristy stop that had an all-you-can-eat Friday fish fry. It sounded like a plan, but luckily I needed a nap on Friday afternoon and she did a little more snooping around.

No Bull Shit! As Google-searching luck would have it she stumbled across an article of great fish frys and it pointed her to this place called Freddy’s West End. Turns out the place was a few minute drive where we were staying, and even though it wasn’t “all-you-can-eat” it sounded like a destination.

Kind of off of the beaten path unless you are familiar with the area around Lake Como, Freddy’s is a local bar at its best with a pool table, some video gaming machines, hanging bags of chips and pretzels, and a neon sign on the wall that says “No bull shit.” It just looks like an awesome, local place to grab a beer at the end of the day, and I’m told that during the week that’s all it is. Forget the food – stop in for a beer. Switch to Friday, though, and it’s time to move the pool table out of the way for Mary Lynn’s Old Fashioned Fish Fry time with your choice of Walleye Pike, Lake Perch, Blue Gill for the fish side, and some other staples like shrimp or chicken tenders. Served with the proverbial slice of rye bread, a really good coleslaw, and a choice of homemade potato pancakes, french fries, or baby baked potatoes, (I opted for the potato pancakes – they were a good choice), Freddy’s had a fish fry that was fantastic and everything you want a fish fry to be. It wasn’t all-you-can-eat, but for $11 they give you a giant portion of fish, fried to perfection with a batter that isn’t overly greasy and just crunchy enough to remind me of home, and dare I say, this fish fry was even better than Slovak Home.

I suppose my quest for a good fish fry near my house still goes on, but if you want a really tasty fish fry I highly recommend pointing your GPS towards Freddy’s West End by Lake Como in Wisconsin, and of course Slovak Home in Lorain, Ohio. Having lived around the Great Lakes all of my life the Friday Fish Fry has always been a staple, but it makes me wonder: Have you been to a Friday Fish Fry?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Are You Sometimes Amazed at Technology?

Sometimes I’m amazed at technology and how things that seem so simple now were impossible just a few years ago. My case in point for this example is the Howard Stern Birthday Bash. As a fan of Howard, listening to his Birthday Bash is always a “I have to go to work but don’t want to stop listening and get out of the car” kind of moment, as well as one of those Howard events that most fans wish they could see because as much as Howard’s radio show is perfect for radio, the Bash always seemed like an event you just wanted to see. It took a while to get this thing on video as this show happened back in January, but a little while ago Howard announced, and has been tweeting and re-tweeting regularly, that his Birthday Bash show was available to watch online. Awake early on a Sunday morning I decided to attend the Church of Howard, and it couldn’t have been easier to watch it in full, big-screen glory.

First I pulled out my iPad and found the SiriusXM page where you can stream the video (It’s only available thru July 20th so find it fast! And yes, there are some swearing and dick jokes so if you watch and are offended, well, I just warned you so you are an idiot if you complain.) With the video ready to roll I connected my iPad to my Apple TV and fired up AirPlay, started the video, and there he was, the hook-nosed Jew bastard, larger than life, being congratulated on getting old by the likes of Barbara Walters, Jimmy Kimmel, Cathy Griffin, Ellen DeGeneres, and a slew of A-List celebrities and F-List whack-packers. Watching the show my wife sits by my side during Jon Bon Jovi singing “Dead or Alive” and proceeded to wonder how old he was, what work he had done, and then when Howard came back on the screen proclaimed “Why didn’t he shave? He looks horrible!” She was fascinated by the list of people there, surprised it was out there for free, and then, while Adam Levine was doing a phenomenal Prince’s “Purple Rain” and Pat Monahan shows up singing again, she says “What, is he just going to show up for every song? He’s like a little nymph.” She didn’t know Train was the house band, so I’ll let her slide. She also noted how Howard was able to get judge representatives from “America’s Got Talent,” “The Voice,” and “American Idol.”

Ten years ago you might be lucky to be able to watch a tiny video on your computer thinking it was the greatest thing in the world. This morning things are different, technology is amazing, and I wonder: Are you sometimes amazed at technology.

P.S. If you are a fan of music, even if you think Howard is a pig, watch this for some of the most fantastic musical performances out there. Adam Levine’s version of “Purple Rain” is worth it alone.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

The Final Member

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:12 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Final Member Movie Stats & Links
Starring:	Sigurður “Siggi” Hjartarson, Pall Arason, Tom Mitchell
MPAA Rated:	R
Released By:	Drafthouse Films / Cinedigm
Released On:	June 17, 2014
Kiddie Movie:	They might giggle a lot, but you might want to put them to bed.
Date Movie:	I was a little worried when my wife said “I wonder what his penis looks like?”
Gratuitous Sex:	Some talk of womanizing.
Gratuitous Violence:	Nah.
Action:	Nah.
Laughs:	Only like most people would laugh at penis stuff.
Memorable Scene:	The ending scene was awesome, but there were two scenes I won’t mention that were hilarious and might make you cringe if you a man.
Memorable Quote:	“He has this great specimen, Elmo.”
Directed By:	Jonah Bekhor and Zach Math

Who knew it was so difficult to get a penis donor? That, in essence, is the underlying theme of “The Final Member,” one of the most riveting and at times hilarious documentaries that will make most men cross their legs and give that “protect my junk” gesture with their hands, while women, or at least my woman, will watch in utter amazement at the quest for a penis specimen.

Sigurður “Siggi” Hjartarson is the founder and curator of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, a museum that was started pretty much to save his marriage as Siggi’s fascination and collecting of any penis he could find was driving his wife crazy and over-running the space in their house. Over the 40 years he has collected many a penis, from the teeny, tiny hamster dink to the giant, sperm whale johnson. He also is into wood-carving, carvings, of course, of penises, with clocks, utensils, and a variety of items any man would be proud to display in his man cave. All of this is great and swell, but what his museum was missing is the most treasured of specimens, the homo sapiens.

During “The Final Member” we follow Siggi’s quest for the piece that will make his museum and in fact, his life, complete. You see, Siggi is getting up in his years, and as a man who is proud of his museum he knows that without the human penis it’s just a collection of stuff. Low and behold enter two people, Pall Arason and Tom Mitchell. Pall is an elderly gentleman, an Icelandic legend not only for his adventurous nature, but also for his womanizing. Pall has decided that upon his death he would like to donate his penis to the museum, and Siggi is thrilled because what would be a better way to “complete” the collection than with an Icelandic legend. There is also Tom, however, who states “I felt ever since I was a kid that when the time came I didn’t want my penis to go to waste when I died.”, and has named his penis “Elmo.” He decides, though, that he would like to donate his penis while he is still alive, a fact that makes Siggi curious but also excited because he won’t have to wait for Pall to kick the bucket. Tom, however, is a weird dude, and if you think Siggi is obsessed with the penis, that’s nothing compared to Tom who has come up with how he wants his penis preserved, displayed, and even Siggi says of Tom, “This is a funny guy.”

Sure this is a little bit of a spoiler alert, but the movie does end with Siggi getting “The Final Member,” and the ending triumph scene is awesome. I was so happy for him at the end I almost got a little weepy. I will, however, not spoil two of the best scenes in the movie only to say that yes, they do involve the penises of Pall and Tom.

A lot of documentaries can be boring, drag on, and get preachy, but I was happy to find “The Final Member” a fascinating look at man’s obsession with his penis, blending the oddly serious nature of Siggi’s quest to complete his collection with a mix of humor that, well, goes along the line of how people generally find talking about the penis funny. It’s 5 stars out of 5 for “The Final Member.” Women will just shake their heads watching and wondering why men can be so obsessed with it, while the men will fully understand and maybe pull out the ruler to see if their penis is of legal length.

A great movie, and I now have a new vacation destination, the Icelandic Phallological Museum. The trick, now, will be convincing my wife we should go to Iceland.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Did you receive a questionable gift when you were younger that you still use?

Loading ...

The other day while rearranging my closet a bit I came across my old toiletry case. It’s nothing special, nothing fancy, just this blue, well, toiletry case, with two large compartments and some smaller side pockets with zippers. The thing is it’s one of those things I questioned when I received it but would have been lost for years had I never gotten it.

I still remember the day. It was my high school graduation and our neighbors, The Goldbergs, had given me a gift. I was slightly perplexed figuring I would just get a card with cash (or should I say I was hoping I would just get a card with cash), but there it was, an actual gift and a slight anticipation became me as I was trying to figure out in my head what they might have bought me. Sort of giddy as I opened things, the card they gave me was nice enough but no cash, and I proceeded to the gift portion, opening it to find this toiletry case. Like probably the majority of any high school senior, or I suppose just about anyone in humanity, I thought “What kind of gift is this? What the hell am I going to do with a toiletry case?”, but I filled out the obligatory thank-you card, and put the case in my closet.

When I moved to college I remember taking the case with me, still wondering why I was even keeping it, but then low and behold, my first trip back home and I’m questioning where I would put my toothbrush and other toiletries when I remembered, “Hey, I have a toiletry case!” And thus began years of, at every trip, digging the old case out of the closet or out of my luggage, stuffing it with the essentials of deodorant, hair brush, tooth brush, razor, toothpaste, and other things you would put in a toiletry case, and undoubtedly, every time I see it I think of The Goldbergs and how this seemingly odd gift has actually been a part of my life for over 25 years and has outlasted anything the cash would have bought had they given me money as a gift.

And so I wonder, as I think of The Goldbergs and my toiletry case: Did you receive a questionable gift when you were younger that you still use?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Have you shot a bow and arrow?

Loading ...

I’m watching music videos wondering what I’m wondering about and the start to Luke Bryan’s “My Kind of Night” video starts with him shooting a flaming arrow to start a bonfire to have a fun night, complete with a truck bed with Saturday Night Fever lights in the floor. Mind you he has a full-blown bow and arrow setup, the kind you would use for hunting, and I harkened back to my younger years, at day camp where one of the activities was to shoot a bow and arrow, only this was old-school with the crappy bow and an arrow that had fletchings that were all messed up so that there was really no way that the arrow would fly straight, and should it have been a flaming arrow probably would have strayed into the woods and started a forest fire instead of a party-time bonfire.

As I was watching the video it also occurred to me that the other day I saw a truck advertising archery lessons and I wondered “Are there that many people looking to learn archery to make it a profession?” The truck was nicely donned in camouflage, and I actually thought it might be fun to shoot a real bow and arrow, but then I wondered why I would ever need that skill, unless, of course, the world goes to hell and a hand basket and we have to live off of the land like our ancestors. Then I wondered if I could actually shoot an animal to eat.

There’s been a lot of wondering since the start of that music video so I suppose I’ll just keep this simple and wonder: Have you shot a bow and arrow?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Should Andy Have Taken the Strawberry Lemonade?

Loading ...

Something came up the other day that put a wrinkle in my day, and left me in a bit of quandary. The plan for lunch was for some Greek food. I’m a fan of a good gyro, or maybe a pastitsio, and I was looking forward to the lunch for a few days as it would be a break from the norm. As my day would have it something came up right during lunchtime, taking me away from my culinary plans and now, in a hurry back to the status quo of the day was quickly trying to ponder something else for lunch, something with a drive-thru as it should be quicker, and that I could eat in the car. Don’t ask me why but all that came to mind was a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal. Weird.

I find myself heading into the drive thru in one of those fancy McDonald’s with the double-drive through, another car kind of sneaks in front of me but I don’t think anything of it, quickly say “a quarter pounder with cheese meal with a Diet Coke,” and proceed to the window. Meanwhile, the car that snuck in front of me at the other drive-thru speaker was still sitting there, and I was just happy I wasn’t stuck behind them.

At the window I’m getting ready to pay, oddly content with my lunch choice and now wondering the complexities of eating my burger in the car without getting catsup down my shirt, when low and behold the manager pokes his head out at me and says “Were you cut-off coming in line?” I really didn’t think anything of the other car, it wasn’t like the did a blatant “sneak,” and say “No.” “Well, the lady in the car behind you feels bad for cutting you off and wants to buy you a strawberry lemonade.” Now my wheels are spinning as I didn’t feel I was cut-off in the first place, I was already content with my Diet Coke, and I was also thinking that it seemed like an odd gesture for a resolution to being rude. I mean, “I cut this guy off. I know, I’ll buy him a strawberry lemonade!” What about picking up the tab for my meal? What about some fries? I would have preferred some extra fries. Even a bottle of water seemed more appropriate because now I’m saddled with my Diet Coke and a strawberry lemonade. I mean, how thirsty did I look?

In the end I told the manager something like “Well I really don’t want a strawberry lemonade, and I don’t think she really cut me off. Can you tell her ‘Thank you’ for me?” Now the manager seemed perplexed because he had already rang up the strawberry lemonade on her order and I could hear him telling Skippy at the register to offer her the money back. It all just seemed very complicated, but as I drove away and began the logistics of cleanly eating my burger while I was driving (happily with no catsup spillage) I wondered: Should I have taken the strawberry lemonade?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!!

Do You Stop for Coffee on the Way to Work?

Loading ...

They opened a new donut shop on my way to work. Umm, donut!

This is bad.

The Fat Elvis Donut You see, I’m a sucker for a good donut, and this place, Jo and Doh! Donuts in Naperville has plenty, including the best maple bacon donut I’ve had to date and this donut called the Fat Elvis, a double-sized Bavarian Cream topped with peanut butter, bananas, and bacon. When they opened I hate to admit it but I stopped every day for two weeks on my way to work. It was bad, but it was so good!

I have since curbed my donut-stopping though I have to say it is super-difficult at times, but the thing that always struck me was that every time I came in they asked if I also wanted some coffee. I would always decline as I had my own in the car. Then the other day there was a story about how Chicago has 164 Starbucks stores, and if you are in the immediate Loop area there are 64 of them, which pretty much means if you want a Starbucks you are probably only a couple of blocks away from one.

As I make my own coffee, or I guess I should specify and say “latte” at home and take it to work, and as Mel asked me again if I would like a coffee with my donuts and I declined, I wondered: Do you stop for coffee on your way to work?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Do You Like Squirrels?

Loading ...

I’m not sure where my fascination with squirrels comes from. I suppose it has to do with growing up in Lorain where squirrels were abundant and we would feed them on our back patio, giving them an ample supply of peanuts especially when winter was upon us, even to the point when I was younger and found myself brave enough to let our neighborhood buddy take a peanut from the palm of my hand. They would look in the patio window at the bag of peanuts if we weren’t early enough to put them out for their breakfast, and in general, they were just fun to watch.

I love seeing squirrels eat a nut, commercials with talking squirrels, and this morning Brad Paisley has made me his biggest fan because as I’m watching the video for his latest song “River Bank,” a catchy, summer ditty that makes me wish I had an inner-tube and lived near a river, there he was, Twiggy, the water-skiing squirrel, helping Brad and his friends have a party in the river. The video includes a squirrel-cam so you can get close-ups of Twiggy as he cruises around, gets soaking wet, and seems to have a blast (as much as a squirrel can have a blast I guess), but in any case I was mesmerized, and along with a fun song, now I have the image of a water-skiing squirrel in my head every time I hear it, which just seems wrong as there were plenty of girls in bikinis and downing tequila shots during the song as well.

So there, I like squirrels, and I wonder: Do you like squirrels?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Would You Confuse “Hotel California” as a Fleetwood Mac Song?

Loading ...

As I’m getting maybe one of the worst haircuts in my entire lifetime, and that includes some of the old “bowl” haircuts my mom used to give me, I had tons of ideas for some of these “wonders,” including wondering how long it’s been since your last, bad haircut, if you ever felt you were going to be stabbed while getting your hair cut, if you wanted to just jump out of the chair and run while getting your hair cut, and wondering if you ever had a haircut where the person cutting your hair didn’t ask you, somewhere during the process, if it looked okay, instead just saying you were done and letting you go on your merry way.

I know, what does this have to do with Fleetwood Mac and/or the Eagles?

Well, let me tell you.

The girl cutting my hair was in her twenties. I know this because she commented how her friends were all in their twenties also, and she couldn’t believe they were having kids since that meant they couldn’t go out drinking and have fun anymore. Sure, that seemed a little peculiar as I know a lot of people with kids having a ton of fun, but hey, what do I know? As I’m sitting there I hear the music in the background and for whatever reason they are using iHeart Radio and listening to KOST 103.5, because, I guess, Chicago doesn’t have any decent Adult Contemporary stations. “Hotel California” from the Eagles comes on, and the girl makes a comment how she’s a huge Fleetwood Mac fan. “Okay,” I thought, “I’ll try to converse some more since the entire ‘kids don’t let you drink anymore’ conversation has stalled.” “Oh, are you going to their concert coming to town.” Yes, Fleetwood Mac was touring again and coming to Chicago in the fall. She replied “No,” and then said “This is Fleetwood Mac, right?”

Instantly in my head was “You are a huge Fleetwood Mac fan, but, umm, you confuse them with the Eagles?”, but I nicely comment, “No, this is the Eagles,” to which she replies “Oh. My dad is a huge Eagles fan, and my mom love Fleetwood Mac,” or maybe it was the other way around, but in any case I went back to screaming in my head wondering what my hair was going to look like at the end of this because, did I mention, that she didn’t have the chair so you could see yourself in the mirror as she was cutting your hair?

I do understand she was in her twenties, and haircut wonders aside, as I was driving away with tears in my eyes wondering how I would explain this haircut to anyone and if my wife would love me anymore, I couldn’t help but wonder: Would you confuse “Hotel California” as a Fleetwood Mac song?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!