Author: Andy Labis

Crank

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:27 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Crank
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Lions Gate Films
Release Date: 2006
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them addicted to Red Bull.
Date Movie: If she can appreciate this type of film.
Gratuitous Sex: It’s out in the open in Chinatown, and is pretty funny, and there are also lots of boobs.
Gratuitous Violence: Does cutting off a dudes hand and blowing his brains out sound violent enough.
Action: Duh?
Laughs: Quite a few chuckles.
Memorable Scene: I’ll just put it this way: Chev, facing the bad guys, pretends his hand is a gun, and then Verona drops a load in his pants.
Memorable Quote: Eve: “Don’t talk to him like that. My boyfriend kills people.”
Directed By: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor

From some of the other reviews I have scanned for “Crank,” a lot of reviewers seem to be trying to compare this movie to the 1950’s “D.O.A.,” more on the aspect of “See, I can appreciate film noir. I am a hoity-toity reviewer and know film, and you don’t.” Here’s the problem, these movies are two different animals. “D.O.A.” is a murder mystery where the dude who gets poisoned doesn’t know who killed him and has to figure it out. In “Crank,” Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) knows exactly who poisoned him, and he’s going to do all that he can to get revenge before he dies, and he’s got to do it quickly. Let’s go…

Chev wakes up one morning to find he is feeling out of sorts. Stumbling around his apartment he finds a new DVD with a nice invitation to view it. Upon viewing he finds that he has been poisoned by the bad dude, Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo), with some wacky, Chinese, synthetic poison, and Chev has about an hour to live. Not too happy, he takes it out on the TV, bolts his apartment, tries to contact his doctor and girlfriend, and sort of starts to figure out that if he keeps things pumping, he feels better. So it’s a race to see if Chev can stay amped up long enough to track down Verona and get some revenge. And get some revenge he does, along with finding out that he has been betrayed, yet still knowing he has one trump card to play.

Driving, running, crashing, shooting, and cleavering his way around Los Angeles, his doctor, Doc (Dwight Yoakam) gives Chev some ways for him to stay alive a little while longer, Chev seeks out his “epitome of a blond joke girlfriend,” Eve (Amy Smart), to give her the bad news, finds out that using too much epinephrine can give you a raging boner, and does his best “Blues Brothers driving through a mall” imitation. Eventually, of course, he finds Verona, and his double-crossing ex-boss, Carlito (Carlos Sanz), and plays his trump card, pretty much causing Verona to drop a load in his pants.

The premise of “Crank” is simple – Chev can’t slow down or he will die, and he finds lots of ways to keep going, including finding out that there’s nothing like some out-in-the-open sex to get the heart pumping. The thing that I liked about the movie, and whether intended or not, is that the movie doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s about speed and keeping your heart racing which means it’s about car chases, overdosing on epinephrine, stealing all of the Red Bull from the convenience store, stealing a cops motorcycle out from under him, and having sex. It’s also about a dingbat girlfriend, a quirky doctor, and some pretty dumb criminals.

Go to “Crank” expecting some over-the-top fun mixed with some neat plot twists, some quality kills, and gratuitous nudity, a well-placed playing of Loverboy’s “Turn Me Lose,” and you’ll get what you pay for. Go to “Crank” expecting the “film noir” of “D.O.A.” and you will probably hate it. I liked it and give it 3 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Coyote Ugly

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:41 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Coyote Ugly
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Piper Perabo, Adam Garcia, Maria Bello, Melanie Lynskey, Izabella Miko, Bridget Moynahan
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Touchstone Pictures
Release Date: 2000
Kiddie Movie: It’s really a chick flick disguised as a dude flick.
Date Movie: Not too young – they won’t get it.
Gratuitous Sex: No.
Gratuitous Violence: Some bar fighting.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: A line here and there.
Memorable Scene: Anytime the girls are dancing on the bar.
Memorable Quote: Nothing really.
Directed By: David McNally

I was hoodwinked. I was tricked. I was boondoggled. I went to see “Coyote Ugly.” Much like probably most every other guy who saw the trailer for “Coyote Ugly,” seeing hot babes dancing on a bar, spraying water, dressed pretty skimpily, well, my first reaction in seeing this was “I have got to see this movie.” It didn’t really matter what the plot was, it didn’t really matter about character development, it didn’t really matter about anything – I just wanted to see hot babes dancing on a bar, hopefully getting their t-shirts wet, and maybe even getting naked. Then I saw the rating – PG-13, and I got a little worried. But that didn’t stop me from eagerly wanting to see the movie – visions of babes on a bar still danced in my head. Then I saw the movie and felt betrayed, suckered, and hoodwinked – “Coyote Ugly” is a chick flick with hot babes dancing on a bar for good measure.

Hot babes aside, the story kinda goes like this: Violet (Piper Perabo) moves from her small New Jersey town to New York City searching for her dream as a songwriter. Her dreams get squashed when she finds out the meaning of “Unsolicited Material,” namely, you can’t send music to a record company without their asking. Her dreams shattered, her apartment vandalized, Violet is almost ready to give up except she has found a dude-friend, Kevin (Adam Garcia), who gives her a little bit of hope, and she overhears these hot babes in a diner talking about how much money they made and how one of them was leaving work at the bar. With opportunity knocking, Violet heads to Coyote Ugly – the bar, and looks for a job. Yes, she gets hired, yes, she has no idea what she is getting into, and yes, the love story develops. It’s also from her working at the bar that she begins to get over her stage fright, and just when her luck gets more crappy because she gets fired because of her idiot boyfriend, you can’t expect this movie to end this way and know that in the end she’ll get the dude and get to sing her song.

Yes, the story wrap-up was kind of quick, but it’s your basic girl-with-a-dream and a love story mixed in – hence, chick flick. Did the trailer say that? You know what, maybe it did – all I still remember from the trailer was hot babes dancing on a bar. The movie had that, too, but really it’s not a movie about hot babes, just one hot babe and her dream.

Is the movie bad – no, not really. Is the movie calculated – yea, you pretty much could figure out everything that was going to happen. Should you see it – well, it’s geared more for the upper-teen audience, so if your girlfriend wants to see a movie, suggest this one. She might squawk, saying all you want to see are hot babes dancing on a bar, and well, this will be true. But she’ll probably get a feel good movie and get past the scenes that tricked this dude into expecting more (or maybe less if you’re talking about clothing).

All in all I’m giving “Coyote Ugly” 3 stars out of 5. It holds its own as a story, John Goodman as Violet’s dad is pretty funny, especially when he finds out where she works, and even though not the movie I expected (I expected a story revolving around the 5 bartenders, their individual lives outside the bar, intertwined with their working in the bar) it wasn’t that bad.

That’s it for this one, I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Couples Retreat

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:47 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Couples Retreat
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Vince Vaughn, Jason Bateman, Jon Favreau, Faizon Love, Kristen Davis, Malin Akerman, Kristen Bell, Jean Reno, Jim McMahon
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: 2009
Kiddie Movie: It’s mostly adult conversation. Get a sitter.
Date Movie: It’s got hot hunks for her and bikini clad women for you. It’s couples night!
Gratuitous Sex: A lot of suggested and talk, but still keeping it PG-13.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Lots from start to finish.
Memorable Scene: I keep coming back to “Dave’s” son in the home improvement store.
Memorable Quote: Nothing stands out.
Directed By: Peter Billingsley

Maybe I’m a stupid critic, but sometimes I think movies are made with the sole intention of bringing at least a little bit of a smile to the person who forks over their hard-earned money, and somehow I can enjoy those movies for exactly what they are. They aren’t made for “artistic” reasons, they aren’t supposed to spotlight the acting talents of the cast, and they aren’t supposed to invoke deep thoughts of the meaning of life or break new ground, and I believe “Couples Retreat” is one of those movies, with cheesiness, a slight cringe factor, a peeing child, and enough eye candy for both the dudes and dudette. So, critics be damned, I enjoyed the movie for what I wanted – a nice trip to the theater with my BFF where we could hold hands, laugh a little, and come out of the theater both going “That was kind of funny.”

Here’s the story…

Four couples are having four different “couple” issues. You’ve got Couple Number A: Dave (Vince Vaughn) and Ronnie (Malin Akerman) who have a couple of kids, Ronnie wants to do some home remodeling, and Dave gets to play a lot of Guitar Hero, or Rock Band (I always get them confused) because he is a sales rep. Then there is Couple Number B: Jason (Jason Bateman) and Cynthia (Kristen Bell), who are having relationship issues thanks to an inability to make a baby. Joey (Jon Favreau) and Lucy (Kristin Davis) were married right out of high school, have a teenage daughter who wears too little clothes, and are just waiting for their daughter to move out of the house so they can get divorced as Couple Number C. And finally you get newly divorced Shane (Faizon Love) hooking up with the youngster, Trudy (Kali Hawk), and Shane just can’t keep up, in the Couple Number D category.

Well, Jason and Cynthia decide that they want to make their marriage work and what better way to do it than by taking a trip to Bora Bora with their friends so that the two of them can work on their marriage while the others just have good time. The surprise comes when the resort people tell everyone that if they don’t all partake in the “couple’s therapy” session that they will just be sent home.

So our couples suck it up and all of them begin to realize their relationships have issues, even if they weren’t out in the open before, and wouldn’t you know it, thanks to some bonding, they all realize how they should work things out.

Look, like I wrote in that opening paragraph, “Couples Retreat” isn’t a cinematic masterpiece, and hell, even though it was filmed in Bora Bora, I think that was for the filmmakers to be able to write-off a trip to Bora Bora because the movie could have been filmed at any “tropical” local for the same scenery, but what “Couples Retreat” is is a funny look at married friends, and sure, some of the “situations” are over-the-top and dorky, but really, what are you expecting from a trailer that shows a yoga instructor pretty much having “over-the-clothes” sex with the women?

I like Vince Vaughn, and in his “every man” shlubness we tend to like he is just as good in his role as Dave. Somehow I totally bought the fact that Jason and Cynthia would put together a PowerPoint sales presentation to convince their friends to come to Eden with them, and, well, I pretty much liked everyone in their roles. The jokes were simple, the movie didn’t get too preachy on “how” to have a good marriage, and you’ve got to love little kids. It’s 3 ½ stars out of 5 for “Couples Retreat.” It’s nothing groundbreaking – just a fun time for both of you at the movie, or at least to snuggle on your couch when it makes it to DVD.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Corpse Bride

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:16 Long
A Preview by:
– The Dude on the Right

Corpse Bride
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: The voices of: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Emily Watson
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: Warner Bros.
Release Date: 2005
Directed By: Tim Burton, Mike Johnson

This movie has the feel of “The Nightmare Before Christmas,” animated like that, and looks pretty cool. Pretty much there is this dude, Victor (Johnny Depp), who is set to get married. He seems to get sort of cold feet, ends up in a graveyard setting, and suddenly this corpse comes out of the ground thinking Victor is going to marry him.

It’s from Tim Burton and looks pretty cool. I’ll try to give an update as we get closer to the release date and another trailer or two comes out.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Corky Romano

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:26 Long
A Preview by:
– The Dude on the Right

Corky Romano
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Chris Kattan, Peter Falk
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Touchstone Pictures
Release Date: 2001
Directed By: Rob Pritts

Some “Saturday Night Live” actors can make the stretch to big-screen movies, and some can’t, and this movie has Chris Kattan as Corky Romano. Corky is a brother in a mafia family recruited to save his family by posing as an FBI agent. The movie looks stupid, Kattan looks to be playing the dorky dude like he sometimes plays on SNL, and this looks like one of those “Isn’t there something better playing” movies. It will depend on the weekend if I will see this, it just looks dumb. Then again, sometimes I’m all for dumb.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Core

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 2:15 Long
A Preview by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Core
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Aaron Eckhart, Nicole Leroux, Hilary Swank, Delroy Lindo, Stanley Tucci
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Paramount Pictures
Release Date: 2003
Directed By: Jon Amiel

This one almost seems like an “Armageddon” except the trip isn’t to an asteroid, this one is to the center of the earth. Hmm?

The story goes that the United States developed a super-weapon that could create a mysterious earthquake anywhere on earth. This was great for taking out the enemy, but in doing so it stopped the core of the earth from spinning (who knew it spun in the first place?). So what happens when the earth’s core stops spinning? Well, it seems that now the atmosphere gets all messed up, radiation or something can now get through, and “super storms” start appearing everywhere, destroying everything in their path. So what are we to do? Well duh, we’ve got to start the earth’s core spinning again. How? We build a crazy drilling contraption that will drill down to the core, leave some nuclear explosives, and just like that the earth will be saved.

Now I know the story sounds kinda stupid, but the movie does look like it has a little bit of promise, action, suspense, and a hot-looking Hilary Swank to its credit. I can almost bet someone doesn’t make it back from the trip to the core, but they’ll always be remembered as someone who saved life on earth.

That’s it for this preview! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Cop Land

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:45 Long
A Review by:
– Stu Gotz

Cop Land
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Harvey Keitel, Ray Liotta, Robert De Niro
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Miramax
Release Date: 1997
Kiddie Movie: Lots of use of the “F” word, and a nudie bar scene so I’d say probably not.
Date Movie: It’s a good drama, bring them along.
Gratuitous Sex: Some boob shots in the nudie bar.
Gratuitous Violence: Some quality kills, blood, and a gory burn victim.
Action: No real high speed car chases in this one, but some pretty good suspense type scenes.
Laughs: Not really.
Memorable Scene: None stand out, just the whole movie is good.
Memorable Quote: Again, none stand out.
Directed By: James Mangold

I’ll be honest with you, when I first heard about “Cop Land” all I knew was that Sylvester Stallone was to star in the movie. Knowing this I honestly thought the movie was doomed to be cheesy. Let’s face it folks, Stallone has a knack, or maybe a curse, that in any movie he has top billing, although often action packed and entertaining, it tends to be over-acted and unbelievable. I call it the “Stallone Factor.” With that I wrote the movie off. But then I heard that Di Niro, Liotta, and Harvey “The Bad Lieutenant” Keitel were also in the movie. Hmm… maybe this movie would be good after all. You know what? It wasn’t good… It was GREAT! Best cop/mob drama I’ve seen in a long time, and maybe that Stallone curse is lifted!

Unlike other cop and mob movies, “Cop Land” doesn’t overdue stereotypes and avoids all those cliché high speed chase scenes that end up in monumental explosions. Instead, we are given an overweight, droopy Sheriff Freddy Heflin (Stallone) who desperately wants to be an NYPD Cop. Problem is he’s partially deaf, and therefore winds up being the patsy Sheriff of a podunk New Jersey town. This really doesn’t sit all that well with him, but what else is he to do? Harvey Keitel plays Ray Donlan – You can think of him as the “Godfather” of bad cops, and it’s a role he plays well. All of the bad cops in New York’s 34th precinct report to him, and he keeps the heat off them courtesy of mob money.

Now, in order to keep better tabs on his men and get some pretty safe housing at cheap interest rates, Ray and the mob boys have worked it out over the years so that the players in this cop game get the low interest loans, usually in exchange for bending the law and always keeping their mouths shut. Basically the cops of the 34th own Garrison, New Jersey (didn’t Pullman try something similar in Chicago?), and this land has its own rules, which Sheriff Freddy really has no control over. Anyway, “Cop Land” also has the likes of Gary “Figs” Figgis, played by Ray Liotta, as a coked out (and I’m not talkin’ soda) cop who wants out of it all. This doesn’t sit too well with Ray. And lastly, we have the smooth, NYPD Internal Affairs Investigator, Moe Tilden (Robert Di Niro), who knows what’s going on and desperately wants to expose it all, but he doesn’t have that one piece of evidence to put the case together. So, how does it all play out? Well… I don’t want to spoil it for. Just know this – Ray is one heartless mother-fucker, Sheriff Freddy gets a spine, and a lot of bad cops wind up dead.

For me the best way to describe “Cop Land” is “believable.” Sitting there in the theater I really felt sorry for poor, dim-witted Sheriff Freddy, I felt rage when I thought about what a ruthless bastard Ray was, and I just loved Di Niro’ s portrayal of a sneaky and cynical IA officer. With that being said I give “Cop Land” 4 of 5 stars. A great movie – ’nuff said, and I’m Stu Gotz.

The Cooler

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:41 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Cooler
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: William H. Macy, Maria Bello, Alec Baldwin, Shawn Hatosy, Ron Livingston
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Lions Gate Films
Release Date: 2003
Kiddie Movie: Definitely not.
Date Movie: It’s good for the both of you.
Gratuitous Sex: Lots of it. Yea! But a little too real. Boo! Personally, I didn’t need to see William H. Macy’s butt, but hey, like I said, it was too real.
Gratuitous Violence: There are some quality beatings.
Action: No real chase scenes.
Laughs: Quite a few.
Memorable Scene: I would have to say the Shelly/Mikey sit down in the back room. Especially when Shelly punches Mikey’s girlfriend in the pregnant belly.
Memorable Quote: Lots of them, but Shelly questioning Bernie, as they looked at a hooker walking away, asking “I’d bet you’d like to birdie that hole?” gives you a good sense of the film.
Directed By: Wayne Kramer

Now I know why I always lose money in Vegas. I think all of my friends are coolers. Yea, that’s got to be it, because when I’m gambling by myself it always seems I’m ahead, but if one of them is around, or comes by me to say “Hi”, my luck changes in an instant. Yea, that’s got to be the reason. That or the fact that maybe I’m just a cooler. Or maybe it’s just that the house always has the edge. Oh well, in any case there’s a movie out called “The Cooler” and it’s fantastic.

“The Cooler” gives us the story of Bernie Lootz played brilliantly by William H. Macy (and might I make a little aside saying that Macy is one lucky guy – not only is he blessed with being a talented actor, he also gets to feel up Maria Bello in the movie). He is a sad-sack, and also, what is known in the casino world, as a cooler. Pretty much if you are on a hot streak at the casino, if a cooler comes around you, sits next to you for a hand, maybe throws some dice, your luck changes in an instant. You would think that anyone with that talent would be well worth any amount of money to a casino owner, but sadly for Bernie, he is in the debt of owner Shelly (Alec Baldwin) so he’s pretty much working for nothing. It’s his last week working for Shelly, his debt finally paid, and Bernie’s looking to get the hell out of town because rather than be happy with his talent, it drives him crazy, especially because he’s unlucky, too.

Then one day he tries to make waitress Natalie’s (Bello) life a little better, and oddly enough they get together. Bernie’s not that smooth with the ladies, so Natalie helps him along, reassuring him that she’s had worse, and slowly they both fall in love. This is not good for Shelly because a Bernie in love brings lady luck to his side, and suddenly his cooler powers turn to, well, warmer powers, because now everyone starts winning in his presence. This is doubly bad for Shelly because financial backer Nicky (Arthur Nascarella) and his consultant Larry (Ron Livingston) are looking to transform the Shangri-La into a flashy casino for the Vegas strip. Shelly, on the other hand, prefers old-school casinos, where you could break someone’s kneecaps if they try to cheat.

But Bernie’s good fortune takes a bad turn when he runs into his estranged son Mikey (Shawn Hatosy) and his pregnant girlfriend. Bernie gives him some dough to help with the coming grandchild, then finds Mikey in trouble with Shelly. Being the good dad, Bernie agrees to take Mikey’s debt, meaning he’s going to be working for Shelly a while longer. Shelly also takes the lead by subtly suggesting that, for her own sake if you get what I mean, Natalie should get out of Bernie’s life.

Does Bernie end up with Natalie? Can Shelly convince Nicky and Larry to leave the casino alone? Will ‘N Sync ever record another album now that Joey Fatone is becoming a gigantic movie star (he plays a lounge singer in “The Cooler”)? Well, the first two questions are answered, the last, well, only time will tell.

“The Cooler” just has fabulous acting by everyone involved, and couple that with a great dramatic story and you get a fantastic movie. Alec Baldwin played a slimy character in “The Cat in the Hat” and I thought he sucked. In “The Cooler” as Shelly, Alec makes up for that mistake one hundred fold. You loathe him for some of his actions, yet inside the man there is a twisted sense of caring for his friends, namely his dealing with aging crooner, Buddy, played by Paul Sorvino. Macy continues to be one of the most solid actors out there, and Maria Bello is fabulous in her portrayal as Natalie, a giant acting leap from the last movie I saw her in, as Liz, the owner of Coyote Ugly (although I did like her in that movie also, this one really lets her talents shine). This is truly an adult movie, with some sex scenes between Bernie and Natalie that present sex in a real light, and some quality violence that really shows how things probably were in the casino industry. It’s 5 stars out of 5 for “The Cooler.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Constantine

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:01 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Constantine
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Warner Bros.
Release Date: 2005
Kiddie Movie: I think it best you leave them at home.
Date Movie: Only if she’s a Keanu fan.
Gratuitous Sex: There should have been nudity had I written the script.
Gratuitous Violence: Yea, pretty much.
Action: There’s some chasing going on.
Laughs: Not really.
Memorable Scene: Hell looked kinda cool.
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Francis Lawrence

I am truly and utterly disappointed in Keanu Reeves, or John Constantine (the character he plays), or whoever was responsible for this. Constantine is getting ready to drown Angela (Rachel Weisz) so she can reconnect with her ability to see demons and bad things. Angela takes off her shoes and asks Constantine if she has to take all of her clothes off. He looks at her, pauses for a moment, and then says……… “No.” I don’t care if you’re trying to get back in God’s good graces, if Rachel Weisz is in front of you and she asks you if she needs to take off all of her clothes, there is one, and only one answer, and that answer, even if she doesn’t really need to, is “YES!!!!” She did look fabulous all drenched in water, but enough about my being a prude, let’s get to the movie.

John Constantine is trying to get back on God’s good side. It seems he was blessed, or maybe it was more of a curse, but when he was born he had the ability to see demons who took up residence on the middle plane of life. Not being able to take the visions anymore, he attempted suicide, found himself in hell, got revived, and realized he was doomed to going back to hell upon his death because suicide, well, is a mortal sin. He figures maybe he can get back on the Big Man’s good side if he takes up the cause of exterminating the half-breed demons who are trying to do a little more evil than just hang out here on our life plane. What he doesn’t fully realize yet is there is this maniacal plot by Balthazar (Gavin Rossdale from the band Bush who shows he has some acting chops), Satan’s son who has his own grand plans for life on earth. Enter Angela. It seems her sister committed suicide, which has a Catholic Angela distraught because she knows her sister is now destined for an eternity in hell. She thinks something strange is afoot because even though she was able to eventually block out her ability to see demons and bad things coming, she knows her sister wasn’t able to, and maybe something sinister caused her to jump to her death.

So Angela eventually convinces Constantine to take her into his world (where the bathtub scene that could have been so much more comes in), and suddenly our two heroes find themselves deep in the middle of Balthazar’s plan.

Sadly the movie becomes entirely predictable, we can easily figure out how Constantine can get back on the side of God, and low and behold, well, you figure it out for yourself.

This is a movie that needed too much explaining, and for much of the movie we get just that. This is also a movie that had some potential, but pretty much lost it from the start as it shifted from how Constantine would exorcise demons to Balthazar’s plot. Yes, some of the scenes of hell were fantastic, and Keanu did a great job as the brooding, dying, destined for hell but really, really, really wanting to make it up to God even though the Angel Gabriel (Tilda Swinton) keeps telling him it’s pretty much hopeless, dude that I guess Constantine is supposed to be. Sadly it gets lost in a story that became totally predictable for me.

In the end I’m giving “Constantine” 1 ½ stars out of 5. It could easily have gained a star or two had John given the appropriate answer to Angela before he drowned her, but sadly, the movie is only rated R for violence and demonic images.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Conspiracy Theory

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:15 Long
A Review by:
– Stu Gotz

Conspiracy Theory
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts, Patrick Stewart
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Warner Bros.
Release Date: 1997
Kiddie Movie: Not really.
Date Movie: Bring them along!
Gratuitous Sex: Julia keeps her clothes on. Damn.
Gratuitous Violence: Some good killing and torture scenes.
Action: Lots of chases with blacked-out windowed sport utility vehicles and black helicopters.
Laughs: Some subtle spots.
Memorable Scene: Oddly enough, for such a good movie, not really.
Memorable Quote: You have to see the movie to understand it, but Jerry says “Alice – You can fit through there?”
Directed By: Richard Donner

(Editor’s Warning: Do you hate when people give away the ending of a movie, thus spoiling it for you? Well, if so, quit reading, and go see “Conspiracy Theory” based on the fact that Stu would have given it 4.5 stars except he feels the director, producer, or whoever had the final say, ruined the ending. With that, Stu gives it 3.5 out of 5 stars, and if you read the review and get pissed about ruining most of the surprises, don’t say I didn’t warn you! The Dude on the Right)

AAARRRGGG!!! This movie totally pissed me off! All was fine and this movie was well on its way to receiving 4.5 out of 5 stars from me until the last five or so minutes. In those last minutes I suspect Hollywood producer types whored this movie out and thereby lost a complete star from me.

“Conspiracy Theory” started off great, and the whole opening credits thing was done in a cool way too! In it we have Mel Gibson driving a cab through the streets of New York City, spouting off crazy theories about anything to his passengers as the intro credits are reflected off parts of his cab. I thought it was cool. Anyway, Mel plays Jerry Fletcher, a kooky, paranoid NYC cabby that makes “The X-Files” Fox Mulder credible. Well, crazy conspiracies are not the only problem that Jerry has, he thinks that somebody is out to get him. As the movie goes, we find out his his suspicions are not without merit and that, in fact, several unknown government agencies are keeping tabs on Jerry. But, are they really with the government?

Enter Patrick “Jean Luke Picard” Stewart, playing Dr. Jonas. Patrick does a great job of being the bad guy in this movie. Oops… Did I give too much away by telling you that Dr. Jonas was the bad guy? Sorry about that, I guess I probably shouldn’t mention that Jerry dies in the end. Oh shit! There I go again spouting theories! Sorry about that – just deal with it. And if you quit reading now and go see the movie, you’ll at least get one surprise perpetrated by me. Anyhow, Jerry is smitten with Alice Sutton, played by the lovely Julia Roberts, a NYC Justice Department Official and, well, this is getting boring.

OK, Jerry isn’t nuts – he was a brainwashed, highly trained killer, but doesn’t remember it. To ruin more of the movie for you, one of his missions was to kill Alice’s father but couldn’t because he fell in love with Alice the first time he saw her. Well, the bad guys are pissed, especially when Jerry was going to work with Alice’s father to expose them, so they kill the dad anyway, and while dad is dying he asks Jerry to watch out for his daughter. (This really isn’t part of the movie, just Jerry recollecting his memory to Alice). Well, Jerry ends up as a cabby, stalking and protecting Alice, but the bad guys have to find Jerry to see if he told anyone else what they had planned. By a strange twist of fate, Jerry ends up dragging Alice into his whole mess, they get chased, Jerry burns his apartment, they get chased some more, we find that the black helicopters are real, Jerry gets shot, the bad guy (Dr. Jonas) is dead, and as Jerry is helicoptered away we see him getting the electric paddles to try to revive him.

Did I ruin enough of this film yet? No? Well read on as to why I threw away one of the stars. So, as the helicopter is flying through the sky, you’re left wondering if Jerry is dead. Cut to the next scene – Alice is standing at Jerry’s grave where she leaves behind a memento that Jerry had given her. Woo hoo, Jerry’s dead! Now cut to the next scene – Alice is riding a horse, something she hasn’t done since her father’s death, and although we are sad that Jerry died, we are happy that Alice has fought the ghosts that haunted her and is getting on with her life. I loved it. I was set on 4 1/2 stars. I had a tear in my eye but a good feeling in my heart. “Come on, roll the credits and let me go home!” I thought. But the credits didn’t roll. No, instead of the standard rolling list of actors, best boy, grips, music, and the other stuff, a black sport utility type vehicle pulls up, Jerry scopes out Alice, Alice finds the memento she placed on Jerry’s grave pinned by the saddle, Alice smiles, and Jerry rides away in a sing-a-long with his government agents/chauffeurs.

Now I’m pissed. Why did they have to do it? Why couldn’t Jerry be dead? Is it too much to ask Hollywood to make a sad movie? Why must there always be happy endings? Life isn’t always happy so why should our movies be? AAARRRGGG!!!

Like I said, “Conspiracy Theory” was (was being the operative word) a great conspiracy/mystery movie, with a touch of action and just a hint of romance. Mel Gibson was a wonderfully believable, paranoid nut-ball, NYC cabby. I think Mel has always done a great job in his strictly action movies, but has had horrible luck in the romantic comedy department (“Maverick,” “Bird on a Wire”… Need I say more?). Well Mel’s luck has turned in this movie and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that the movie’s producer and director didn’t have an identity crisis on what they wanted this movie to be. They could have ruined this movie with the whole romance thing – an easy thing to do with the gorgeous Julia Roberts and the sexy Mel Gibson (did I just call another man sexy? Yikes!), but they didn’t. They could have ruined this movie by turning it into a totally cheese-ball action spy flick, but they didn’t. They could have ruined this movie with a cheesy, happy ending – that they did. “Conspiracy Theory” followed a simple good guy versus bad guy mystery that worked quite well, and although not of Hitchcock quality, it flowed and had you second guessing a lot of things at times. Had Jerry stayed dead it would have been 4 1/2 stars, but, Jerry lives, and for me that blew a perfectly good movie. That makes it 3 1/2 out of 5 stars. Despite its ending “Conspiracy Theory” is a good movie, ’nuff said, and I’m Stu Gotz.