MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:01 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Warner Bros.
Release Date: 2005
Kiddie Movie: I think it best you leave them at home.
Date Movie: Only if she’s a Keanu fan.
Gratuitous Sex: There should have been nudity had I written the script.
Gratuitous Violence: Yea, pretty much.
Action: There’s some chasing going on.
Laughs: Not really.
Memorable Scene: Hell looked kinda cool.
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Francis Lawrence

I am truly and utterly disappointed in Keanu Reeves, or John Constantine (the character he plays), or whoever was responsible for this. Constantine is getting ready to drown Angela (Rachel Weisz) so she can reconnect with her ability to see demons and bad things. Angela takes off her shoes and asks Constantine if she has to take all of her clothes off. He looks at her, pauses for a moment, and then says……… “No.” I don’t care if you’re trying to get back in God’s good graces, if Rachel Weisz is in front of you and she asks you if she needs to take off all of her clothes, there is one, and only one answer, and that answer, even if she doesn’t really need to, is “YES!!!!” She did look fabulous all drenched in water, but enough about my being a prude, let’s get to the movie.

John Constantine is trying to get back on God’s good side. It seems he was blessed, or maybe it was more of a curse, but when he was born he had the ability to see demons who took up residence on the middle plane of life. Not being able to take the visions anymore, he attempted suicide, found himself in hell, got revived, and realized he was doomed to going back to hell upon his death because suicide, well, is a mortal sin. He figures maybe he can get back on the Big Man’s good side if he takes up the cause of exterminating the half-breed demons who are trying to do a little more evil than just hang out here on our life plane. What he doesn’t fully realize yet is there is this maniacal plot by Balthazar (Gavin Rossdale from the band Bush who shows he has some acting chops), Satan’s son who has his own grand plans for life on earth. Enter Angela. It seems her sister committed suicide, which has a Catholic Angela distraught because she knows her sister is now destined for an eternity in hell. She thinks something strange is afoot because even though she was able to eventually block out her ability to see demons and bad things coming, she knows her sister wasn’t able to, and maybe something sinister caused her to jump to her death.

So Angela eventually convinces Constantine to take her into his world (where the bathtub scene that could have been so much more comes in), and suddenly our two heroes find themselves deep in the middle of Balthazar’s plan.

Sadly the movie becomes entirely predictable, we can easily figure out how Constantine can get back on the side of God, and low and behold, well, you figure it out for yourself.

This is a movie that needed too much explaining, and for much of the movie we get just that. This is also a movie that had some potential, but pretty much lost it from the start as it shifted from how Constantine would exorcise demons to Balthazar’s plot. Yes, some of the scenes of hell were fantastic, and Keanu did a great job as the brooding, dying, destined for hell but really, really, really wanting to make it up to God even though the Angel Gabriel (Tilda Swinton) keeps telling him it’s pretty much hopeless, dude that I guess Constantine is supposed to be. Sadly it gets lost in a story that became totally predictable for me.

In the end I’m giving “Constantine” 1 ½ stars out of 5. It could easily have gained a star or two had John given the appropriate answer to Angela before he drowned her, but sadly, the movie is only rated R for violence and demonic images.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!