MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:27 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jason Statham, Amy Smart, Dwight Yoakam
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Lions Gate Films
Release Date: 2006
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them addicted to Red Bull.
Date Movie: If she can appreciate this type of film.
Gratuitous Sex: It’s out in the open in Chinatown, and is pretty funny, and there are also lots of boobs.
Gratuitous Violence: Does cutting off a dudes hand and blowing his brains out sound violent enough.
Action: Duh?
Laughs: Quite a few chuckles.
Memorable Scene: I’ll just put it this way: Chev, facing the bad guys, pretends his hand is a gun, and then Verona drops a load in his pants.
Memorable Quote: Eve: “Don’t talk to him like that. My boyfriend kills people.”
Directed By: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor

From some of the other reviews I have scanned for “Crank,” a lot of reviewers seem to be trying to compare this movie to the 1950’s “D.O.A.,” more on the aspect of “See, I can appreciate film noir. I am a hoity-toity reviewer and know film, and you don’t.” Here’s the problem, these movies are two different animals. “D.O.A.” is a murder mystery where the dude who gets poisoned doesn’t know who killed him and has to figure it out. In “Crank,” Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) knows exactly who poisoned him, and he’s going to do all that he can to get revenge before he dies, and he’s got to do it quickly. Let’s go…

Chev wakes up one morning to find he is feeling out of sorts. Stumbling around his apartment he finds a new DVD with a nice invitation to view it. Upon viewing he finds that he has been poisoned by the bad dude, Verona (Jose Pablo Cantillo), with some wacky, Chinese, synthetic poison, and Chev has about an hour to live. Not too happy, he takes it out on the TV, bolts his apartment, tries to contact his doctor and girlfriend, and sort of starts to figure out that if he keeps things pumping, he feels better. So it’s a race to see if Chev can stay amped up long enough to track down Verona and get some revenge. And get some revenge he does, along with finding out that he has been betrayed, yet still knowing he has one trump card to play.

Driving, running, crashing, shooting, and cleavering his way around Los Angeles, his doctor, Doc (Dwight Yoakam) gives Chev some ways for him to stay alive a little while longer, Chev seeks out his “epitome of a blond joke girlfriend,” Eve (Amy Smart), to give her the bad news, finds out that using too much epinephrine can give you a raging boner, and does his best “Blues Brothers driving through a mall” imitation. Eventually, of course, he finds Verona, and his double-crossing ex-boss, Carlito (Carlos Sanz), and plays his trump card, pretty much causing Verona to drop a load in his pants.

The premise of “Crank” is simple – Chev can’t slow down or he will die, and he finds lots of ways to keep going, including finding out that there’s nothing like some out-in-the-open sex to get the heart pumping. The thing that I liked about the movie, and whether intended or not, is that the movie doesn’t take itself seriously. It’s about speed and keeping your heart racing which means it’s about car chases, overdosing on epinephrine, stealing all of the Red Bull from the convenience store, stealing a cops motorcycle out from under him, and having sex. It’s also about a dingbat girlfriend, a quirky doctor, and some pretty dumb criminals.

Go to “Crank” expecting some over-the-top fun mixed with some neat plot twists, some quality kills, and gratuitous nudity, a well-placed playing of Loverboy’s “Turn Me Lose,” and you’ll get what you pay for. Go to “Crank” expecting the “film noir” of “D.O.A.” and you will probably hate it. I liked it and give it 3 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!