Tag: Salma Hayek

Dogma

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 2:08 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

Dogma
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, Linda Fiorentino, Salma Hayek, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Chris Rock
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Columbia/Tristar Home Video
Release Date: 1999
Kiddie Movie: Nope, lots of swearing.
Date Movie: She might find it funny or maybe just find it disturbing.
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: They don’t show it, but it’s hinted at.
Action: Not really.
Laughs: Lots.
Memorable Scene: Rufus falling out of the sky and Silent Bob’s facial expressions.
Memorable Quote: Two quotes by Jay: “Snootch to the motherfuckin’ nootch!” & “Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don’t fall out of the sky you know.”
Directed By: Kevin Smith

I don’t know why but “Dogma” is quickly becoming one of my favorite videos to watch or movies to watch for on cable. Maybe it’s the way they question religious beliefs, maybe it’s the subtle jokes, or maybe it’s because they bust on the platypus. In any case, as long as you can keep an open mind about religion, well, “Dogma” might just be a movie for you.

Opening with a disclaimer that the movie is fictitious and should be taken as a comedy, Silent Bob (Kevin Smith) and Jay (Jason Mewes), joined by the 13th apostle, Rufus (Chris Rock) help Bethany (Linda Fiorentino) make her way to New Jersey to stop two banished angels, Loki and Bartleby (Matt Damen and Ben Affleck) from entering a church and negating all of existence. How can entering a church end existence? Well, it seems the Pope has decreed, in conjunction with the New Jersey church’s anniversary, that all who pass through the church doors get their sins forgiven. Loki and Bartleby, who have been banished by God from Heaven for eternity, could find their way back into heaven if they walk through the church doors. This would make God fallible and thus end existence as we know it. Alright, my explanation isn’t the greatest, but Bartleby does a better job explaining it to Loki, and they begin their journey to the Garden State.

So it’s a race against time to stop Bartleby and Loki, and Bethany and her entourage aren’t without their difficulties getting to Jersey. There’s a run-in with a shit demon, Jay constantly trying to get in Bethany’s pants, Bethany questioning why she is chosen to stop the angels, and Azrael and his goons trying to stop Bethany because he wants existence to end.

Like I said before, “Dogma” is at its best on many levels, from Loki’s conversation with a nun resulting in her wondering what she is doing with her life, to the Rufus’ dilemma of not being in the bible because, well, he is a black man, to Alanis Morrissette playing God, and portraying God as kinda, well, a ditz. This movie isn’t to be taken seriously, but it may make you wonder if Mary did have sex with Joseph after Jesus was born because, as Rufus explains, “Do you really think he would have stayed married to her for all those years if he wasn’t getting laid?”

I didn’t see “Dogma” in the theater so I can’t say which place might be a better venue to see it, but it is nice to be able to pause and rewind to go back and catch a joke or two you might have missed in the theater. That and the fact that the DVD subtitles helped me figure out one of my favorite lines, only because it still doesn’t make sense to me, “Snootch to the motherfuckin’ nootch!” I give Dogma 4½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

54

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:35 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

54
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ryan Phillippe, Salma Hayek, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Ellen Albertini Dow, Sherry Stringfield
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Miramax Films
Kiddie Movie: Not at all.
Date Movie: Ehh.
Gratuitous Sex: Shane gets into Studio 54, heads to the balcony, and there are two people doin’ the nasty, and that’s just the start.
Gratuitous Violence: Nothing really.
Action: It’s a movie about a disco. I don’t think so.
Laughs: Some funny one-liners.
Memorable Scene: "Disco Dottie" at New Year’s Eve.
Memorable Quote: Something like: Greg says to Anita "I’m too short and I don’t suck cock." Anita replies, "Well, there’s nothing you can do about being short."
Directed By: Mark Christopher
Produced By: Richard N. Gladstein, Dolly Hall, Ira Deutchman

As a normal, everyday person, sometimes you dream of being a star. You dream of getting invited to all of the cool parties, hanging out with the stars, and most of all, getting to go to those bars and clubs that you read about in the gossip column. It’s a world that seems so much better than yours, but all you can do is dream. “54” is a movie about one of those clubs, the infamous Studio 54, but also a movie about the seeming everyday people who are let into that dream.

The movie kinda goes like this: Shane O’Shea (Ryan Phillippe) is 19 years old and thinks soap opera star Julie Black (Neve Campbell) is a babe, but then, who doesn’t? Anyway, he’s tired of the same old bar he and his friends go to, really doesn’t want to grow up to be like his “come home from a blue collar day of work and have a beer” father, and convinces his friends they should drive to the city and try to get in Studio 54 because he heard Olivia Newton-John is supposed to be there. They drive to the city where Steve Rubell (Mike Myers) is letting the clientele in Studio 54. He sees Shane and his buddy, calls over Shane, and lets him in as long as he takes off his shirt. So Shane enters a world most are only left to dream about, and then, low and behold, gets a job as a busboy in that same world. You’ve got to start living that dream somewhere.

Well, through Shane and his new friends, Greg (Beckwin Meyer) who wants to be a bartender, and Anita (Salma Hayek) who wants to be a singer, we get a glimpse at what having that look to be let in Studio 54 is about. We see sex, we see drugs, and we see disco in all its glory. We see it’s not usually what you know or how well you do your job, but to get ahead in this world it turns into who you know or who you’ll blow. In Shane’s case he comes through the ranks quickly. He meets his dream girl, he has lots of sex, he does drugs, but his new world which he’s been thrown into crashes around him because he finally sees that this dream world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“54” isn’t the world’s greatest movie, but it isn’t that bad and kinda shows that world only the few knew while many dreamed about. Mike Myers as Steve Rubell is terrific. With that happy but still evil looking grin of his, we see Rubell as having the job he loves, throwing the world’s greatest party every night, but always letting you know it is his party, and he has final say of who gets in. Phillippe does a decent job as the naïve Shane, but I really enjoyed Ellen Albertini Dow as “Disco Dottie,” the normal grandma by day but escaping the real world at night in a club with her friends.

As I’m leaving “54” one dude behind me says to his friend “That was a decent flick. Let’s go do some disco dancin’.” Me, I’ll give it 2 ½ stars out of 5. Catch it at a matinee, or an evening show if you’ve seen everything else out there.

That’s it for this one, I’m The Dude on the Right! L8R!!