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Valentine
Movie Stats & Links |
| Starring: |
Denise Richards, David Boreanaz,
Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel |
| MPAA Rated: |
R |
| Released By: |
Warner
Bros. |
| Web Site: |
www.valentinemovie.com |
| Kiddie Movie: |
It would bore them. |
| Date Movie: |
It would bore her. |
| Gratuitous Sex: |
Sadly no. |
| Gratuitous
Violence: |
Some, but nothing you haven't
seen. |
| Action: |
Nah. |
| Laughs: |
The movie. |
| Memorable
Scene: |
None. |
| Memorable
Quote: |
Paige: "You brought me up
here to show me your penis?"
A little later the dude responds: "Well, wax
it." Paige does, literally. |
| Directed By: |
Jamie Blanks |
| Produced By: |
Dylan Sellers |
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Valentine
A Movie Review |
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I’m starting to think that ever since the
"Scream" trilogy it will be next to impossible to make a
slasher film. It used to be that every slasher film had some of the
same elements: stupid girls, dudes begging to get killed, a
boob-shot here and there, maybe a little sex, anticipation music,
etc. You knew the people were stupid, that they would end up dead,
but you expected that. Then came "Scream" and its poking
fun at the slasher movie genre, and now slasher films just can’t
be the same. Why? Probably because now we expect more, we expect a
challenge, but instead we get the same horror film we have always
gotten before, which used to just suffice, but now it just seems
stupid. Take "Valentine" for example.
In "Valentine" we get the story of revenge. Jeremy was
picked on back in the sixth grade, so much so he ended up in reform
school for allegedly attacking a girl. But he was framed. Years
later a group of friends start dying and he is the missing link. The
only problem is that he has disappeared from the face of the Earth.
One by one the friends get a Valentine and one by one they wind up
dead. And you know what, I think that’s all you need of the plot
because if you choose to sit through this movie there shouldn’t be
anything that will surprise you.
Here’s some examples of lack of surprises: A dudette is
supposed to cut a cadaver then gets distracted outside by some
noises then comes back to the cadaver where it starts to breath then
she gets scared and turns her back and then the cadaver is gone.
Guess what happens to her next? Another scene has a dude going to
fix the water heater, we see an axe in a hunk of log next to the
water heater, the dude bends down to light the pilot, the axe is
missing from the log. Guess what happens next?
And those are just a few of the things that won’t surprise you.
Here are some more. You have a group of people whose friends keep
dying yet they don’t report mysterious Valentine’s Day cards to
the police; You have a detective who is dumber than Barney Fife as
well as a sleaz-pot trying to hit on Paige (Denise Richards), but
then again who wouldn’t?; You have the mysterious new boyfriend
that no one knows about so you think he might be the killer; and you
have the Valentine’s Day party where the power goes out. Duh.
So, "Valentine" is a movie full of no surprises. Not
quite. Here are a couple of surprises that totally ruined the movie.
One – no blatant nudity. Sure, there was some stupid modern art
exhibit, and Denise Richards wore some nice shirts, but all of our
girls kept their shirts on. I ask you, what kind of slasher film is
that? Second – no quality kills. Sure the bad dude wields a giant
knife (but don’t they all), has some fun with a drill, uses an
axe, but they could have at least spent a little money on some real
gore.
Sadly I’m only going to give "Valentine" ½ star out
of 5. The only fun I really had in this movie was the comical
element that nothing was surprising. I got no real suspense, I got
the same killer, I got laughs saying "Here comes blood dripping
from his nose", and I got no boob shot and no quality kills.
What a waste.
That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!! |
