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May 28, 2007

$27,852 - Throw a Wedding or Head to Fiji. You Can Have Both.

Well, wedding season is upon us, and I have received my first wedding invitation of the season. As I was filling in the RSVP I was wondering how much one of these "celebrations" cost people nowadays. According to USA Today the average wedding is $27,852. Holy hell!!! Do you know what one could do with that kind of cash???? Here are some better things one could do with $27,852

  • Put a down-payment on a new pad.
  • Buy a new, pretty nice car.
  • Buy a Harley.
  • Go on an exotic vacation to Fiji, Tahiti, Hawaii, or just a kick-ass, first-class-all-the-way vacation to someplace not as exotic.
  • Buy a kick-ass entertainment center
  • Redo your existing pad
  • Or yes, as boring as it might sound, you could invest the cash and retire, hopefully a year or two earlier.
  • Any way you look at it there are a whole lot of things better one could do with the money then feed your fat, bastard friends and family. Mind you this $27,852 price tag also takes into account you invited 400 people. (That actually seems kind of cheap to me, $69.63 per person - I suppose if you could convince each guest to pony up $100 and not buy you a crystal bowl then maybe getting married might not be a bad idea.) Sorry, I digressed. Now who knows 400 people that they actually like enough to feed and get liquored up??? Anyone?? I don't think I could possibly think of 100 people I like enough to feed and buy numerous round of drinks for. What a scam?

    But wait... I also discovered a bigger wedding scam in my search.  I found you can actually buy wedding insurance. Now whomever thought of that was a genius, getting the idea to once again capitalize on the entire wedding "tradition." It looks like you can pay money to cover wedding costs for a drunken family member busting a hip while dancing the Macarena, death or illness of one of the love birds, a runaway bride, wardrobe mishaps, and even the cost of redoing those precious photos because you hired your cousin to take those photos and they got lost in his drunken partying. Got to admit this is the biggest scam next to selling vitamins or cleaning products!

    Now I know there are some people out there saying, "Oh, Trash, you are just bitter cuz you ain't married." My answer: "Thank heavens!" I cannot imagine spending that kind of cash on something, especially adding the religious ceremony aspect to it. I don't go to church and plunk down that kind of dough to be preached at, so why do it now??? Let us not forget that what actually makes you married is when you sign a legal contract with the government stating that you want to be tied to another human being for the rest of your life. So the next time you are heading off to a wedding, go ahead and toss the same amount of money in that wedding envelope that you would when you attend church on Sunday. Oh, in my case I guess that means... Nothing!

    Thinking about it, though, if I ever do get married, maybe I'll just put on the wedding invite what I think is an appropriate gift, probably about 60% above what the blessed event is actually costing me.  That would pay for a nice, exotic vacation, I mean honeymoon, on top of it all.  Would that be tacky?

    See ya!
    Trash :-)

    Permalink: 5:58 PM | Comments (0)

    May 2, 2007

    Why Are People Killing People? My Research says Global Warming.

    Well it’s been awhile since my last "Trash" and the past few weeks have been pretty rough in the news. I mean we have not seen a drunken Britney sighting in weeks (except for the supposed lame concert she put on in L.A. yesterday) and at this point I would love to see Jessica Simpson shave her head just to bring humor back to the news. Instead we keep hearing about people killing people - Pretty much a bummer, so I needed to put some thought into this trash.

    So what has gone all crazy these days that nut jobs are going around and shooting up people and places??? Think about it: There have been bullies for decades, there have been bad parents for decades, there have been video games since Atari, and we stressed over making sure aliens were dead or the asteroid was destroyed, but you didn’t see my generation freaking out.  Much.

    Soooooo, what changed?!?

    Well it hit me like the smell of Britney's un-pantied crotch. Global Warming. I think some tax dollars need to be spent on this one - Global Warming I mean and not the smell of Britney’s un-pantied crotch, and maybe they could also throw some money on researching why people think all Catholics must like Notre Dame football (This year’s star player picked in the NFL draft at number twenty-"what" instead of number five? Hee-hee!)

    Think about it - The oceans are getting hotter. Did ya ever run into the ocean and feel angry? Hell no, unless you realized your car keys were in your pocket and they just went out to sea. When you run into the ocean you feel refreshed, calm, cool. So, with the ocean being a smidge warmer, a dip in the ocean just isn’t that damn refreshing and as a result you get pissed and can’t cope with life.

    Think about it, again - The weather is getting warmer up North. Did ya ever run out into the snow as a kid (not as an adult, adults are always angry about snow) and feel angry? Hell no, unless you realized your brother had a kick-ass, ice packed, snowball to throw at the back of your head. When you run outside, into the snow, you feel refreshed, calm, cool. So, with the weather in the North being a smidge warmer, running out into the snow just isn’t that damn refreshing, and as a result you get pissed and can’t cope with life.

    So I guess until this research comes out and "experts" (my favorite kind of people) tell us what the research means, my advice is… COPE WITH LIFE! It has sucked for generations before us and will suck for generations after us. Find humor, keep smiling, and you will survive and succeed beyond your (or any of the bullying bastards) expectations.

    And, oh yea, quit with the shooting up of people and places, it just pisses me off and since the ocean isn’t as refreshing anymore I’m having trouble coping with your not coping with life.  Maybe I should have bought a plane ticket to L.A. to see The M+M's concert, I mean Britney Spears, to set me straight for a couple of weeks.

    See ya!
    Trash :-)

    Permalink: 7:12 PM | Comments (0)

    April 3, 2007

    You Never Know Where You'll Find "White Trash" These Days.

    I think it is getting harder and harder to know who is white trash these days. I blame home interest rates being low and the crappy market. Let me explain.

    I live in a good, middle-class neighborhood. We all live in nice houses (not trailers and not manufactured homes which you might associate with the white trash nation), we have yards, and many of us have kids playing in backyards. We also have a nice, little, wooded area across the way that once in awhile a deer comes walking out of to stroll down the street. Well, this peace and harmony was shattered the other night, around 1:30AM, when I hear someone arguing in the neighbor's driveway. Now this is not a stretch since my window was open and faces the driveway, but I was fortunate enough to hear a good ole, white trash, Jerry Springer fight! And to make it more interesting, apparently the argument was over the phone so of course it was more appropriate for the fight to be held outside instead of in the house. Hell, Jerry wouldn’t turn off the cameras if he were here so why should my neighbor go inside of his house? Remember, white trash always needs an audience. The argument ranged from needing a paternity test (although there is no way he raped her since he was out of town that weekend) to her “ma” spent all the money so she is shit out of luck.

    Now don’t get me wrong, this argument was also very educational. I heard the word "fuck" used in ways I never thought possible, with my world being opened up to whole new way of using “fuck” as an adjective. There was also a legal lesson. You see my neighbor "looked it up," he could get her charged with felony trespessin' if she came over to the house. I would LOVE to see the local law enforcement handling that one and would actually grab a lawn chair, pop some popcorn, and film it for “COPS.

    The argument went on for a good half hour, but apparently he had to cut the argument short because the pickup truck was running in the driveway. But thank God he shut off the truck so he could call back and argue some more! Whew! I did not think a half hour of degrading a woman was long enough and it definitely needed that half hour more. Really, who would want to miss another half hour of hearing fuck describe every noun in a sentence! But rather than complain about the argument I guess I was lucky that night because the neighbor's fucking rottweiler shut up that night instead of its normal barking at 1:30AM.

    Anyone in the market for a nice, middle-class house?

    See ya!
    Trash :-)

    Permalink: 7:50 PM | Comments (0)

    March 21, 2007

    Why Do Men Understand Boobs Better Than Women?

    So, I have shared my nudie bar adventure in Vegas to the masses, and what I have noticed is that all you men out there appreciate my experience. You all are interested in how good the boobs looked, what size they were, if they were perfectly shaped, and if they were just generally attractive. These are the types of questions I had hoped would come out of my experience: An appreciation of the cosmetic surgeon's work.

    BUT THEN… Here come the girlfriends, wives, and general psycho females to ruin my investigative reporting, who are more interested in trying to make the sweet stripper into a cow with breasts. Now this is what I do not understand: Women have breasts, most having breasts by the time they are 30 that are usually bigger then a 5 year olds. So by the time you are in your thirties I expect a woman to understand what a breast size means. Hell, most men I know can tell me what size my breasts are without a tape measure! Apparently the concept a 40D breast size that is SILICONE or SALINE, a.k.a. AN IMPLANT must now somehow equate to the size of the women. Have you picked up a Playboy magazine lately ladies (you know you allllllll want too)? Fake boobs are perfect and usually much, much larger then anything a woman of age 23, weighing 115 lbs, would ever have as an act of nature. So when I am telling you that the sweet and cute stripper had 40D boobs, DON’T tell me she was fat. First off, she was not. She was far from fat, and because I know she had silicone implants, having larger boobs just made sense - If you are sending a skilled surgeon into your chest to improve something, and it isn’t your heart, you sure are not going for the 32A special - That would seem pretty pointless.

    So please, girls, I know you don’t like when your husband, boyfriend, booty-call nor lesbian lover likes looking at other women's breasts, but don’t start bashing the girls that possess them. This does not make you better then her, does not make your significant-other worship you more, it mostly makes you seem jealous! Ladies, sometimes we have to THINK before we speak! Geez!!!!

    See ya!
    Trash :-)

    Permalink: 7:15 PM | Comments (0)

    March 12, 2007

    Las Vegas Has Boobs, and They Feel Nice.

    I just got back from my annual Las Vegas trip. Each time I visit I like to try something new and this time the cosmic Vegas energy pulled me toward a nudie bar. Yepper, I said “nudie bar,” otherwise known as a Gentleman's Club. These places are pretty much a mystery for most of the girlfriends and wives in the world, and I can officially say that what you think happens in there is nothing close to reality. Granted I can only speak to the one I went into, but it was Vegas, and it was a nudie bar. Kicking off, the girls that I met are really great to talk to, and I learned a great deal about the business. I am sure you don’t want those boring details so I will move onto the good stuff…. breasts. Yes, I finally got my hands on a good, silicone-filled breast. I have always wanted to feel one of those (having been blessed with big, natural hooters, I don’t need to enhance mine), and I have always thought they looked different - Perfectly round and both boobs match, which is not the case with real ones. They are a little firmer then real ones, but all in all I would have to say they feel pretty damn nice, kind of like a firm pillow, which was proven when the girls allowed me to do a “motor-boat” in them. I also have to mention that the girl's skin is the softest I have ever felt, next to a baby's. The skin treatments these girls use definitely pays off, leaving their skin kind of like a firm pillow with flannel sheets.

    Now it was also brought to my attention that you guys out there are not allowed to touch these soft, firm boobs, which would explain why every guy in the place had their hands hanging off the sides of the chair like they were paralyzed, I guess so that Brutus the bouncer doesn’t come over and kick your ass. So, any vision women have that the guy is groping the girl on his lap is pretty much wrong, unless the girl gives permission (which does not seem to be often). Pretty much he cannot touch her. I was also a little surprised by the lap dance experience. Now don’t get me wrong, it is pretty cool, but it is the only time the girl had no top on. Also, since there was alcohol being served, she had on a g-string, so she is not completely naked. The lap dance is pretty much a lot of rubbing and boobs in your face only she does the rubbing and you’re not rubbing her, although I did get a spank in on her firm, little butt (I am a female so Brutus was not going to kick my ass).

    I was disappointed in the stage dancers because they didn’t do acrobatic stunts on the pole. I guess Hollywood makes that look more interesting, but for the most part the girls just danced around the stage, around the pole. A little bit of a bummer.

    All in all I think women need to visit a nudie bar at least once and see that what you think is going on is much worse then the reality of what is going on. There is a difference between a hooker and a stripper, or exotic dancer as they are sometimes called, and granted some strippers may blur the line. But if your man is willing to do that, a strip club is the least of your worries. And besides, the sex you get from your man after he has been all teased up by a stripper is definitely worth the price of his admission to these places. So girls, LIGHTEN UP!

    See Ya!

    Permalink: 8:20 PM | Comments (2)

    February 20, 2007

    I'm In The Afternoon of Anna Nicole Smith.

    I have gone past my period of mourning and am now into afternoon over Anna Nicole Smith. I realized that I could not make a convincing argument that I was the father of her daughter. Too bad. I also have not been able to place any of my sperm-toting buddies in the same room with her at any point of time to claim they are the father.

    It does seem a damn shame this was never a "Jerry Springer" nor "Maury Povich" episode ‘cuz I love a good paternity fight. Think about it! It would have been great to see Zsa Zsa up there crying, with mascara rolling down her face, while Prince Zsa Zsa claimed the baby as his love child. Oh, and let’s not forget good ole Howard K Stern. I figured he would be picking up a chair and throwing it at the ex-boyfriend calling him a liar. The whole time Anna would be attempting to say something that did not sound like "mumbled ramblings." Too bad!

    Every time I see Jerry or Maury have a good ole paternity fight I have to chuckle. I mean loosing track of who you slept with at the same time as getting pregnant has got to be embarrassing, especially when the 3-4 guys that "have to be" the father turn out not to be. Oops, my bad. Guess it was the 6th guy (condoms might be a good idea at this point).

    I know sex is fun, but Ladies, have some self respect. A little spermicide with a rubber policeman (to serve and protect) goes a looooooonnnng way. If you do not like that idea, then keeping a calendar of who you banged, and when, could be. This might just help keep track of the papa to be.

    I also wonder why a guy would ever trust a woman in the pregnancy department anyway. I wouldn’t, and I am a woman. Hell, your clock is ticking; the eggs are running out, you think you are becoming an old hag that no one loves - What will fix that??? Oh, a baby will! Remember guys, there are actually girls out there that will advise their friends to get pregnant to trap the guy. Breaking news, this is not an old wive’s tale, it actually happens (seen it, heard it, witnessed it)! Tell ya one thing: NEVER TRUST A WOMAN. Unless of course she is a millionaire, then who cares if you knock her up….she will either pay for your silence or pay you to play daddy. Can’t lose there, can you?

    Now, boys, if you’re the millionaire you can guarantee a baby is coming out of that deal. Holy crap! That is the jackpot, you will definitely pay for her silence or, …wait, ...there is no other option, you WILL pay for her silence. As you can tell I am on the boy's side of this argument, mostly because I am tired of idiots reproducing. The world is screwed up with most of us in it, why do we think making a contribution of our genes will make it better? Please, there should be a screening process. Idiots get fixed (hey, if it is okay for dogs why not people?) and non-idiots are paired up with another non-idiots to make them babies.

    Now wait, I do have to take a moment and feel bad for the baby girl of Anna Nicole, Dannielynn. She did not ask to be born to the fucked up situation, although some words of encouragement for her…. it could be worse, Mommy could be Britney Spears! Hmmm, do I see Britney filling the void Anna left behind! Hell yes, and I cannot wait to see and read more.

    See Ya!

    Permalink: 7:48 PM | Comments (0)

    January 30, 2007

    Maybe I Should Just Shave My Head.

    Okay, so I ran out of shampoo this weekend. Now it is important to realize I am very picky when it comes to my shampoo. I figure if a haircut costs $40.00 then I must have a pretty special head of hair. Why else would it cost so much, right? Yea, I know, they are sticking it to me. Well, since I'm picky about my shampoo I cannot just drive over to the Piggly Wiggly to buy it, this takes an actual trip with effort involved. So I drive over to one of the only two salons... See, fancy already, it is a SALON, not a grocery store, within 2 hours of my pad, to get my shampoo. Now, when I arrive, I am greeted at the door with a smile, and I rush over to the display with my magical brand of shampoo. AVEDA - oooh, earth and science in a bottle. Sadly I notice there is no 8.5 oz bottle of my shampoo type. Yes - my hair deserves a specific type of a specific brand, but there is only the 33.8 oz sized bottle. So I ask for the smaller bottle... I don't have hair all over my body which requires that much shampoo... I come to find out AVEDA no longer makes it in the smaller bottle. Okay, one more person sticking it to me.

    So I have to suck it up and purchase the grizzly-bear sized bottle. Okay, so I didn't pay attention to the cost of the grizzly-bear sized bottle (hmm, $40.00), but since I pay that much for a hair cut why should I complain? I smile, pay the girl, and drive home with my head all a tingle because I will be once again treating my hair with AVEDA - ooooh, earth and science in a bottle. So, I proceed to place the grizzly-bear sized bottle of shampoo... Oh wait! WHAT THE HELL? Yes, having not excelled in reading French in grammar school I missed that instead of shampoo I have a huge grizzly-bear sized bottle of CONDITIONER! Who in the hell needs a gigantic bottle of conditioner??? Also, when I specifically asked about SHAMPOOOOOO, how did the happy girl at the counter somehow hear AVEDA conditioner? And also, is it sooo difficult to clearly use the English language to boldly indicate CONDITIONER on a bottle? Hell, there is plenty of room on a 33.8 oz sized bottle to spell out conditioner in bold writing with underlines! Even the 8.5 oz of conditioner is in a different shaped bottle so you cannot get them confused. So now I must take a trip back to exchange for a bottle of shampoo and oh, by the way, the magical SALON is closed on Mondays so I, and my hair, have to wait even one more day. This makes me wonder: Is shaving my head really such a bad idea?

    See Ya!

    Permalink: 7:46 PM | Comments (0)

    January 22, 2007

    The Doomsday Clock, Simon Cowell is the Only One Who Cares, and My Demon Dog.

    Last week, in a nutshell, wasn't too bad.

    First there was news of the Doomsday Clock moving 5 minutes before midnight. Now at first I was a little concerned, I mean this clock is counting down to the end of the world - shouldn't we all be stockpiling food and water? This has to be as bad as Y2K, right? Well isn't it? Oh wait; I have no idea what the hell the Doomsday Clock is! Apparently I live under a rock because this is a very important turn of events. After a quick search on the information superhighway all is revealed. I found out that I don't know anything about this clock because I missed every issue of the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, since 1947. Whew! I was really worried. Somehow that information was missing among global warming, WMD's and Britney Spears not wearing underwear while out partying. Which makes me wonder why in the world are a bunch of geeks changing time on a clip-art clock every time they decide some nuclear threat has changed (did I mention it is an arbitrary decision). Oh I know! They are "experts." Need I say more......?

    Then there is the start of American Idol. Now I must admit I do not care for the actual competition, I like to see the auditions. I mean come on; can you believe there are people who don't realize they suck as bad as they do? I love the contestants that go up there, sing like goats being tortured, and cry when Simon tells them the truth. How is it possible that people can go through life actually thinking they have the best voice on the planet? Do all of their friends and families actually think they are good? Aren't they supposed to love ya, or at least want to protect the family name? It is mind-boggling. From what I can tell the only person who actually loves these people (or humanity) is Simon. Hell, he will actually look you in the face and tell you the truth. There should be less bashing of Simon and more bashing of the uncaring family members who would rather you be publicly humiliated then tell you, in private, that you can't sing.

    To round off my week I successfully took my demon dog to the vet. Now you have to experience my demon dog to truly understand the success of this event. My demon will bite just about anyone, at anytime, because you only thought about touching her (I have scars to prove it). Now since her demonic behavior did not appear until I had her for over 2 years, I couldn't get rid of her because, well, she was my demon dog. So, after extensive training and Prozac (for me and the dog), I have been able to control most of her anger issues. This last one was a stress free trip to the vet (for me not her). Face it, what dog wants needles and fingers stuck in their butt? Usually this trip consists of a few sedatives and three to four vet assistances holding her still. This time, after five minutes and only three angry snaps at my hands, I was able to get a muzzle on her. This was then followed by a calm, quiet, sober dog taking a shot in her butt, and allowing fingers up her butt, without so much as a whimper. Could this mean the exorcism worked? Only time will tell.

    See Ya!

    Permalink: 7:57 PM | Comments (1)

    January 17, 2007

    I Can Be an "Expert" About Resolutions.

    I thought about making my first "Trash" entry all about me, about who I am, where I come from, but screw that.  If you want to know about me, my Entertainment Ave! bio is here

    So, you know what, here it is, the third week of January and I wondered how are all of those resolutions for 2007 are  working out for you? The answer is probably "Pretty damn bad."

    This year I decided to use the advice of "experts" to set my 2007 goals.  Hey, they are "experts," they get paid pretty good money to sit in a chair on CNN, and they give you advice. I figured those "experts" had to know something I didn't - After all, how can you fail with advice like... "set realistic goals" and "don't get discouraged if you slip."  Well, apparently, I do know something these "experts" do not life in 2006 is just as crappy as it was in 2007.

    Let's take the resolution millions of American's make every year.  "In 2007, I will lose 10 pounds."  Now before I allowed myself to fail, I took the advice of "experts" and modified that goal to be "I will exercise at least 20 minutes, three days a week (to get that Bowflex body of course)."  Well even as we speak I have managed to crank out only one 30 minute workout.  WHY!?  Easy!  I did not change jobs in 2007.  I have the same crappy hours.  I continue to work my ass off for 12 hours a day, five days a week, to come home tired.  And I manage to make my way to the couch when I get home, and have to convince myself tomorrow will be better.  Guess what!  It is not any better because I still have the same job with long hours!  If I actually had any chance of meeting my simple goal of exercising at least 20 minutes, three days a week (to get that Bowflex body), I would have had to have achieved a different goal first.....find a  better job with fewer hours.  Oh, and screw that don't get discouraged crap.  I was a human being in 2006, and I guess that I am still a human being in 2007.  So let us think about this one - If I had the human emotion of disappointment in 2006, I am guessing nothing magical happened at midnight, 2007, in whatever time-zone, to erase that human emotion (no spaceship took me on board and did experiments on me at midnight, I think).

    So I have to ask myself this new question...  "How does one become a CNN 'expert?'"  My guess is they only work 10 hours a week and may not actually be human.  If I had that gig then I would have all of the time in the world to achieve my goal, and not feel bad if I didn't!

    See Ya!

    Permalink: 7:42 PM | Comments (1)


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