Movie Stats & Links
The Weinstein Company
||I believe it would
be best to leave them at home.
||Only if she likes
martial arts ass kicking.
||There's a scene in
a mud bath, which sadly was filled with mud.
||Um, duh again.
||There are a couple
||I would have to
say that the scene where Kham just kept breaking limb after
limb after limb, complete with bone-breaking sound effects,
was pretty cool.
||The detective to
Kham: "Shit, a real elephant. You weren't kidding."
||Prachya Pinkaew, Sukanya Vongsthapat
I finally had it. Had what I have so longed for in my
movie-going experience. Okay, had one thing that I have so
longed for in my movie-going experience. What did I have,
you might ask? Get your mind out of the gutter because
all I had was a truly private screening at my local
giga-plex. Fine, it was the Sunday, 10:20 AM showing of the
movie "The Protector," but there I was, by myself, in the
theater, and I could have farted, used my cell phone, talked
to myself, kicked the seat in front of me, run up and down
the aisles, throw popcorn at the rows ahead of me, farted
again, and no one would care. My movie-going experience will
probably never be the same again.
A Movie Review
In any case, when I told Stu Gotz I was probably going to
see "The Protector" this weekend, and it was essentially a
movie about a dude trying to rescue some sacred elephants,
he quickly chimed in "Didnít they already make that movie,
and wasnít it called ĎDumbo Drop?í" I told him that no, this
movie was not "Dumbo Drop," but more like "Dumbo Drop" with
some kick-ass martial arts going on. Okay, the movie isnít
really "Dumbo Drop," so letís get to the heart of the story.
In ancient Asian times it seems the strength of the King
was determined by the strength and majesty of his elephant,
and the elephant was revered as a sacred animal. In current
times, the King/Emperor still likes to have a nice elephant,
but more as a symbol instead of for fighting. Kham (Tony
Jaa) is the son of one of the best elephant breeders in the
land, and he learns the ways of the ancients and those who
protected the elephants of the Kings. Sadly, one day, his
father is killed at the hands of those looking to smuggle
his grand elephant for use by the evil gang lady as a symbol
of her strength, and Kham finds himself in Australia, where
the police department is corrupt, gangs rule some streets,
and Kham can only trust a few folks who seem to realize Kham
is there for good.
And so Kham tracks down the man, Johnny (Johnny Tri
Nguyen), who originated the elephant kidnapping, and comes
to realize it is kingpin lady Madame Rose (Xing Jing), who
holds the secret to the whereabouts of his elephants. In the
meantime there are a lot of fight scenes with lots of
various people. For one scene we are shown Kham kicking
total ass of "The Fluorescent Light-bulb Gang." Why do I
call them this? Well, because when they first enter the
warehouse, the kids all grab fluorescent light-bulbs, which
Iím not really sure if they are effective weapons but they
do look cool when they explode. Then there is the scene with
a trio of folks: First off Kham takes care of "Cart-Wheel
Man," then itís time to disable "Sword Man," and then itís
time for the fight between Kham and "Giant Man," a prelude
to Khamís fighting the best of the AWE (my fictitious
Australian Wrestling Entertainment).
And if you thought that was enough fighting, oh, you
would be so wrong. There is also the "Running up the stairs,
kicking ass, running up more stairs, kicking ass, running up
even more stairs, and more kicking ass, only to find more
stairs to run up and even more asses to kick, finally
reaching the top of the stairs, and still having to kick
more ass" scene, and finally, before the "Iím going to jump
to knock Madame Rose off the helicopter scene," there is a
scene where the hospital is going to need a buttload of
splints for all of the broken arms and legs, and I mean a
buttload, because if Kham is really good at one thing, it is
breaking arms and legs.
The quirky story about having to rescue the elephants
aside, if you are looking for a martial arts flick with lots
of kicking ass, "The Protector" might be up your alley. You
have to trudge a little through some boring plot crap, but
donít worry, more ass-kicking is right around the corner.
For me, though, the boring plot crap really brought the
movie down a bit, and the gratuitous nudity was covered in
mud, so in the end Iím giving "The Protector" 2 Ĺ stars out
of 5. And, if you see the movie and ask yourself "Was that
Jackie Chan?" in one scene, from everything I can find on
the internet, it isnít, just a look-alike, but a damn-good
look-alike if itís not.
Thatís it for this one! Iím The Dude on the Right!!