House of Wax
Movie Stats & Links
||Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael
Murray, Brian Van Holt, Paris Hilton,
Jared Padalecki, Jon Abrahams
||Ah, hell no.
||She might get a
little scared and snuggle.
||Nah, Paris doing a
striptease and Elisha in some tight shirts is all you get.
||Some very good
||Lots of running
||Just the normal
horror movie types.
||Paris Hilton has
one of the better quality kills, or rather her getting quality
Robert Zemeckis, Susan Levin
It was Sunday morning, Iím coming off a high of seeing
the new Star Wars the day before, and Iím trying to catch up
on some of my movie seeing. My choices at my local gigaplex:
"House of Wax," "Crash," "Monster-in-Law," and "Millions."
For me, on this morning, I wasnít in the mood for a cute
movie with kids, still canít bring myself to justify seeing
J. Lo and J. Fo even though I thought the trailer looked
kinda funny, wasnít in the mood to really think much for
"Crash," so I opted for "House of Wax" where I might at
least get some decent quality kills, a cheesy film, and
maybe some nudity. As Meat Loaf once said, "Two Out of Three
Ainít Bad." Actually, it sort of was three out of three, but
Iím not counting the boob being sculptured.
House of Wax
A Movie Review
So you get six young adults heading to a college game and
they decide to take this short cut, only it ends up being a
long cut because of an unforeseen work detour. So what are
young adults to do? Well, find a deserted patch in the back
woods and camp out of course. Oddly enough a strange pick-up
truck stops by, and after much demanded by our band of
heroes for him to turn off his headlights, out bad-boy of
the group decides to toss a beer bottle, yes, breaking one
of the headlights (a much necessary plot point, because how
would you recognize this truck later when instrumental to
the horrorness of the movie?)
Look, Iím not really going to waste your time with more
of the plot because actually "House of Wax" gives us every
standard of your "Friday the 13th" horror
lessons. You know, things like "Donít throw a beer bottle at
a strange pick-up in the middle of the backwoods when you
donít have any weaponry," "Donít take a ride from a weird
dude straight out of ĎDeliveranceí who likes to dump the
roadkill at a gulley near where you camped," "Donít have
sex," "Donít split up," and for goodness sake "Donít forget
to check if the bad dude is really dead!" Those lessons and
more were never taught to our band of heroes, and you know
what that means, some sex, some creepy dudes, some
gratuitous violence, and your ever so standard horror flick.
There is really nothing special about "House of Wax," but
you know what, that was okay. On this Sunday when I woke up,
as it turned out, I was just in the mood for a movie where I
didnít have to think, where everything would be straight out
of the "How to make a cheesy horror movie" handbook, and
would get to, in a worst case, see some girls in bras. With
that, "House of Wax" gave me everything I was looking for.
In the end I didnít hate "House of Wax," didnít really
think it was that great either, and was going to give it 2
stars out of 5, but then one thing occurred to me - As much
as I am not a Paris Hilton fan, I must say that her demise
in "House of Wax" was one of the better quality kills I have
seen in a while. With that itís 3 Ĺ stars out of 5, and if
Elisha Cuthbert would just get naked already, this would
have easily hit the 4 star mark on my meter.
Thatís it for this one! Iím The Dude on the Right!!