A Haircut Gone Wrong: Part Final


The Dude on the Right

I ended yesterday’s blog, Part 1 of my "A
Haircut Gone Wrong
" episode with the simple line, "I miss seeing Vita." 
If you wonder why, read yesterday’s blog first, otherwise, here is Part 2 of the
installment, the actual haircut experience, gone wrong.

… As I was heading
home to the dude-pad, it was finally time to get that almost desperately needed
haircut.  It’s probably been about two months since my last haircut, which
is sometimes long in haircut time, but I’ve gone longer, I think around four
months has been my record.  Vita had a field day making fun of me when I
came in for that haircut.  But Vita was not in this equation, I headed back
to the same place that left me with two decent heads of hair with two different
stylists.  I walk in and there she is, "Piercing Girl," and this time I had
my contact lenses in so I wouldn’t be blind during my haircut.  I tell the
dudette at the desk that I’m looking for a haircut and a blow-dry, but I wasn’t
paying close enough attention because Piercing Girl was just finishing up with
her client, so I didn’t say I would wait for her, and all of a sudden I was with
"I’ve Got Better Tools Girl."  I should have sensed there was a problem
when, as she was washing my hair, she commented how she prefers to get her hair
cut with whomever cuts her hair because it is in the haircutter’s basement and
she doesn’t have to "wait in line" to get a haircut.  I guess what she was
telling me was that coming here was a mistake.  This time she was right.

With my hair all washed, and me seated in her cutting chair, it occurred to me
that she was a little too short.  Now I’m not a tall dude, but the haircut
chair wouldn’t go low enough so I had to crouch down a tad for her to be at a
comfortable height.  And here is where I really knew things would be going
wrong.  I have a simple haircut, at least so I think.  It’s parted on
the side a bit, and generally when I get a haircut I’m looking for it cut to the
top of my ears, with no sideburns, with a square cut in back, slightly above the
collar.  She went to cut the hair on the sides, first trying to line up the
scissors for a straight line getting rid of my "sideburn" hair, but somehow
couldn’t just cut the hair in one nice clip.  Nope, she tried to do a
series of clips, leading to a jagged look for the side hair.  At this point
I could tell she was really pretty new to this haircutting thing, and I was her
latest guinea pig, but at least she had the cool clippers.

So she quickly
abandons the side of my head and heads to the top of my head where she grabs a
lock of hair and asks "Is this short enough?"  I tell her just a little
more, which for her ends up being about a finger and a half worth of hair, to
which I say, "A little less."  With my patience in full patience mode, I
knew I was in for the full ride, and a ride it was.  I’ve seen Vita cut my
hair a lot of times, and even the other girls at this place had the "grab first
batch of hair here and cut to appropriate length, grab another batch of hair off
the newly cut hair a bit and match the length, but adjust for the shape of the
head and haircut" maneuver.  This girl, though, couldn’t.  She would
miss her mark where she made the first cut, thereby grabbing a handful of hair
with no reference where to cut next, and continued.  With the top of my
head not that bad, she now moved to the back of my head, and I could still see
her struggling.  The right side wasn’t too bad, she would try to flip up
some hair with the comb, and oh, did I mention that she already dumped two combs
onto the floor by this time?, and then clip some of it.  She didn’t really
seem to have a game-plan, just trying to make it shorter, and around the ear,
but not really having the ability to just make a decision and cut.

But it was
the left side of my head that, for some reason, just gave this girl trouble.

Now since I hadn’t gotten my hair cut in a while, and as it got longer I skipped
the mousse portion of my morning regimen, so my hair on the sides sort of
trained to "flip" out a little bit.  And she had the hardest time with
this, especially on the left side.  She would flip up some hair with her
comb, try to cut it, but because it was already dry it would fall before the
scissors got there, then she would try again, and each time catching just a
little tuft of hair.

My guess is that for this haircut chain, they will give
you the basics, some combs, scissors, but for the most part, if you want cool
stuff, you are on your own.  This girl had the cordless trimmer thing,
which one of her colleagues borrowed earlier, and it is a cool thing if you can
use it right, but I’m thinking she had it just because whomever cuts her hair
has one, because she couldn’t use it right, especially for the side of the head
hair.  There is sort of an art to using the cordless trimmer to sculpt the
hair.  You use the comb to line up the hair, and this only works if the
hair is sort of damp (mine wasn’t), then you nicely trim the hair along the
teeth of the comb.  You move the comb a little (keeping some of the other
cut hair for some reference) and do it again.  She kept trying, especially
on the left side of my head, but forgot the hair needs some wetness to keep it
pointing out of the teeth of the comb.

My hair is finally a little shorter,
and in the meantime, the two other dudettes cutting hair have already gone
through their next batch of clients.  At this point my dudette actually
told me she couldn’t figure out how to get the hair on the left side of my head
to go how she wanted, and by this point, I knew I was just better off getting
out of there without hurting her feelings, and without her cutting any more of
my hair.  As I was looking in the mirror it didn’t look like the back of my
hair was that straight, I could see that the right side wasn’t too bad, and that
the left side had some slight gouging which I figured I could cover up with some
mousse and a blow dryer.  And as I fibbed to her that "Everything looks
fine," I still couldn’t help but wonder how you can’t at least get the first
cut, leveling out the hairline with the top of the ear, to be level.

And so
ends this episode of "A Haircut Gone Wrong."  Look, I realize the dudette
was probably kind of new at this haircut thing, and that’s sort of why I didn’t
want to wail into her while I was there, or even show her how to use her crazy
clipper thing.  Maybe I should have inquired how long she has been cutting
hair, and if it’s been over a year, maybe it might be time for her to look for
new work.  But I didn’t, and now I sit with a haircut I have to try to work
with in the morning to make sure it doesn’t look like a haircut the previous
girl who cut my hair would make fun of.  Me, I’ve got a couple of months
before I need another haircut, as messed up as this one is, and then the dilemma
comes up:  Do I risk it and try to get "Piercing Girl" to cut my hair
again, or do I just try to plan a trip into Chicago and call Vita?  As much
as "Piercing Girl" is nice on the eyes, I’m thinking it might be nice to talk
with Vita again, who’s also nice on the eyes, and give her my family update, and
see how hers is doing as well.  With getting a haircut from Vita I’ve got
to plan a little bit better in getting said haircut in a little bit better
fashion, but I know what I’ll get – A decent haircut, and comfortable
conversation, and isn’t that what we are always looking for?  But then
again I might just be to lazy and pray I get Piercing Girl the next time around.

Sometimes I’m such an idiot.  Happy Haircutting!

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!