MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s Too Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Movie Stats & Links
Starring: John Cusack, Amanda Peet, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Oliver Platt, Woody Harrelson
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Distributed By: www.whowillsurvive2012.com
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them to be paranoid their house will fall into the Earth.
Date Movie: She might get snuggly, or hate you for taking her to this film.
Gratuitous Sex: Amanda Peet getting naked would have helped.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots of people die. It is about the end of the Earth after all.
Action: There’s a lot of trying to outrun geological catastrophes.
Laughs: Most of the movie.
Memorable Scene: Too many “Oh, come on.” scenes to list.
Memorable Quote: “No we’re not, we’re going to die.” and “That’s great. Open the God damn door!”
Directed By: Roland Emmerich
Produced By: Harald Kloser, Mark Gordon, Larry Franco

I will say this, after watching “2012” I will no longer be in the market for an SUV – Nope, I’m buying a limo!

Well, the world is on the verge of disaster again, and who better than Roland Emmerich to destroy it, only this time the evil villains are neutrinos, sub-atomic particles that, following some Sun activity, decide to heat up the Earth’s core like it were in a microwave oven.  Sadly this will cause the Earth’s crust to, well, I’m not really sure, but tectonic plates will shift, the Earth will shake, tsunamis will swallow the world, and humanity will die, that is unless the Chinese can build some arks for a batch of human to hang out in until the trouble is over.  Sounds simple enough, doesn’t it?  Well it is, unless you are a writer named Jackson (John Cusack), you want to get your family on that ark, and you don’t have a ticket.

Yup, Jackson is a writer.  He was married to Kate (Amanda Peet) and has a couple of kids. But Jackson and Kate are split up now and Kate is hitched with a boob doctor, Gordon (Tom McCarthy). So it’s dad’s weekend with the kids, and he shuttles them to Yellowstone National Park (who knew it was just a hop, skip, and a jump from the California coast?), only to discover a missing lake and wacky radio dude, Charlie (Woody Harrelson).  It is there that Jackson realizes there might be problems with the Earth, especially after running into scientist Adrian (Chiwetel Eliofor).  Well, wouldn’t you know it, when all hell breaks loose it turns out that Jackson is a swell dude and lets Gordon along for the ride as they make the getaway from the west coast sliding into the ocean, and it’s a good thing, too, because it turns out Gordon is one hell of a pilot.

Anyway, in the meantime, the good scientist, who helped figure out the Earth was going to destroy itself, is working with the President (Danny Glover) and Scientific Advisor (Oliver Platt), and the world leaders, to analyze exactly when the world is going to die, but sadly he failed to understand the heating properties of Earth’s core, or some crap like that, so, of course, he’s wrong and it happens sooner than everyone thinks.

So, now, with the Earth falling apart, it is a mad dash for the ark inhabitants to make their way to said arks, and somehow Jackson is able to get his family from the west coast, back to Yellowstone to secure a map, down to Vegas, and off to China to save his family.

The problem is, I didn’t care.

Yup, that is the biggest problem I had with “2012,” the simple fact that I didn’t really care who lived and who died, and I think that was simply because there were too many players involved.  I mean sure, there was Jackson and his family, but then they became intertwined with this Russian millionaire on the dash to China.  There was also the story of Carl the Scientific Advisor, who was a prick, and the President who is a good dude, and international intrigue as people aware the Earth was going to destroy itself were mysteriously killed. Sure, Charlie was a hoot, and I am quickly remembering how great an actor Woody Harrelson is (he’s also great in “Zombieland,”), but for the most part, all of them could have bought it, Jackson should have, and I wouldn’t have cared.

Yes, there is unbelievable action as the world disintegrates, but I have to say that asteroids and aliens make for much cooler destruction, especially when “2012” takes things to truly unbelievable levels as the six-engine plane rises from the depths of Vegas, and the limo is able to nearly leap tall buildings in a single, well, jump, but for a movie with a human element, this movie just lost it all in two and a half hours of “We are all going to die!”

I wanted to like “2012,” but just couldn’t so I have to only give the movie 1/2 star out of 5.  Yes, it is much more impressive on the big screen, but if you are going to spend your hard-earned money, at least wait for a matinee.  All the movie did for me, really, was miss the “Quick Takes” dude, Zay “tap-dancing militant Islamic fundamentalists” Smith, from the Chicago Sun Times, who got axed a while ago, as he kept a watchful eye on the Yellowstone Caldera, which supposedly will cover Chicago in six feet of ash if it blows again, as it did in the movie “2012,” but hopefully won’t really blow again until about 2112, because, well, I’ll most likely be dead and people would then say that the band Rush somehow prophesied it. Okay, enough rambling.

That’s it for this one!  I’m The Dude on the Right!!  L8R!!!