10,000 B.C.

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:48 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

10,000 B.C.
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Camilla Belle, Steven Strait, Cliff Curtis, Omar Sharif
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Warner Bros.
Kiddie Movie: Unless your a lousy parent, leave the 4 and 5 year olds at home.
Date Movie: It’s a nice love story.
Gratuitous Sex: Would have added a star.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots of people getting impaled and stabbed.
Action: There’s chasing and running and hunting.
Laughs: Nah.
Memorable Scene: The mammoth hunting scene.
Memorable Quote: “Do not eat me when I set you free.”
Directed By: Roland Emmerich
Produced By: Roland Emmerich, Mark Gordon, Michael Wimer

As I was sitting, eating my giant pretzel, and waiting for “10,000 B.C” to begin, I tried to remember the trailer because after the third family showed up, complete with 4 or 5 year old in tow, I couldn’t remember the part of the trailer that screamed “Hey, this movie is great for your 4 or 5 year old daughter! Great for the whole family! Bring everyone!” So before writing this review I thought I would watch the trailer again, and you know what? I’m still not seeing that message in the trailer. I guess I wouldn’t make a good parent. Here’s the story…

It’s, well, 10,000 B.C., sort of. I say sort of because there seem to many liberties taken with the advancement of society, but hey, it’s a movie. Who cares? In any case we have a tribe pretty much surviving by taking out a mammoth or two during the year. Life isn’t that great for our tribe, especially when the witchy old woman announces things are going to be changing because the hunting is about to end, but things won’t be that bad because a hero will grow to bring prosperity back to the land. And the old woman also knows this because becoming a part of their tribe is Evolet (Camilla Belle), the blue-eyed girl to be the woman for the hero. We find that the hero is D’Leh (Steven Strait), a tribe cast-off because his Dad deserted the tribe when he was a youngin. Yup, D’Leh has the hots for Evolet, Evolet has the hots for D’Leh, and things seem okay for the tribe until the four legged monsters show up.

Suddenly many of the tribe folk are either killed or taken away by a mysterious group of other tribe people, including Evolet, and this does not please dear old D’Leh. So D’Leh heads off with a tribe elder, Tic’Tic (Cliff Curtis), and a couple of others to get their tribe’s folk back. And along the way D’Leh and his group traverse a treacherous mountain ranged, find a rainforest with giant ostrich-like looking things that wants to eat them, D’Leh stumbles across a giant saber-toothed tiger, and they meet another tribe who, thankfully, has a bilingual member. Word is spread that the man who is to save all of the tribe people from the evils of the mean group of pyramid-making people has arrived, and suddenly D’Leh has his own little army.

So we eventually get to the climactic fight at the end, and remember that 4 year old girl I mentioned at the start of this review? Well, I guess the dude getting stabbed multiple times and spears impaling people put her over the edge because she started crying, mom had to try to console her, then mom took her outside only to bring the little girl back just in time to see D’Leh drive a dagger through a bad dude. I guess mom really wanted to see how the movie ended, huh?

Anywho, “10,000 B.C.” did entertain me for most of its almost two hours, and unlike a movie that was similar in nature, that being “Apocalypto,” luckily our main tribe spoke English so I didn’t have to read during most of the movie. Part of what probably got me through the film was that I suspended reality for the movie, and that has to happen sometimes when watching a Roland Emmerich film (“Independence Day” and “The Day After Tomorrow”), so get that through your head as the lights dim in the theater and just enjoy the ride.

Visually “10,000 B.C.” looks great, and I suppose that might be a decent enough reason to catch it in the theater, but I’m suggesting maybe an afternoon matinee for you and your honey. It’s probably okay to bring your 10+ year old boys (the group in front of me seemed to deal with the violence okay), but unless you suck at parenting, leave the 4 and 5 year olds with the family next door. A lot of critics didn’t like this movie, and sure, the saber-toothed tiger seemed just a little too big, but I’m not like most critics, and with Camilla Belle reminding me of Lindsay Lohan, only hotter, I’m giving “10,000 B.C.” 3 stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!