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January 20, 2007

What Tie Should I Wear, and I Pray My Niece Doesn't Wear Cher's Dress.

By: The Dude on the Right
The last couple of days have brewed a cornucopia of blog ideas, ranging from smoke alarm batteries, to a dream where I was eating human stew, to another dream that included a fight resulting in two dudes falling from the top of the Hancock building in Chicago, to yet another dream of my neglecting someone else’s baby. But nothing is occupying my mind right now more than what tie I should wear to the Sweet Sixteen party of my favorite niece (and her friend), and now, after watching “My Super Sweet 16” on MTV, how the hell can my niece and her friend’s party ever top that of Cher (and no, not that Cher), especially since I don’t think my niece is going to get a new Jaguar as a present.

On to my first dilemma – what tie to wear? In the photo included with this blog I’ve narrowed it down to seven ties. From left to right, I start with the colorful and swirly tie, which might have worked back in the early nineties, but damn, for whatever reason, boring stripes seem to be back in style (I did like the swirly and colorful era because when you spilled something on your tie, it blended right in). Up next is my red, “power” tie. The problem here is I’m going to a Sweet 16 party and not a job interview. Now there’s my Daffy Duck beach party tie, which would be perfect if I knew if the party had a theme, like a beach party (and don’t get me started, yet, on the Mardi Gras theme Cher had for her party on MTV), and it was probably the favorite tie I would wear when I was in my Radio Shack manager phase. I could reflect back to my high school days when the rebel dudes would wear their ties with a big, ol’, fat knot (the 4th one from the left), but if I did wear that tie, along with the humiliation of a 39 year old dude being seen like that, my mom would disown me.

Up next is another of my favorite ties, but sadly it’s after Christmas so a “Grinch Stealing Christmas” theme tie probably won’t work, and then comes my tie which only works if you wear it on one of two days, January 8th (The King’s birthday), or August 16th (The King’s deathday). Any other day and you just seem like an Elvis kook. Sadly, the seventh tie is the one I sent to the dry cleaners today, because unless the theme of my niece’s party is “Be a Slob With Your Food!”, “Get a Job!”, “Fun at the Beach!”, “Remember the Early Eighties in High School”, “Christmas a Month Later!”, or “Elvis. ‘nuff Said!”, I’ve got to stick with the boring, dark blue tie, that matches my suit.

But my choice of tie is nothing compared to my worrying about how my niece and her friend’s party will compare to Cher’s.

Thanks to my buddy Stu Gotz, who mentioned the show “My Super Sweet 16” on MTV, I decided to watch it. It was Cher’s party, and she has been known to throw the coolest parties, and supposedly her Bat Mitzvah was legendary. Her theme was Mardi Gras (thankfully none of the girls seemed to know what you had to do to get beads because that would be just wrong), and she was ready to just die because the float she was supposed to ride to her party looked like crap a couple of days before said party. Then, of course, was the car shopping, where she pretty much wanted a Jaguar, and not the $30,000+ version, nope, she wanted the $90,000+ version, and would die if she didn’t get it. So the party starts, she arrives via a magic trick (which, of course, she was totally worried it wouldn’t work because she would be so embarrassed), she does some dancing where her pants kept falling down (didn’t she at least rehearse in those pants prior to the party?), and is worried about what her friends will think about her dress that is pretty revealing.

I know my niece didn’t have a Bat Mitzvah, so she doesn’t have that party to compare it to, and aside from the fact I’m not sure if my niece will be arriving on a float, if the party has a theme, if she’ll be doing a spotlight dance where her pants fall down, and I’m assuming my sister and brother-in-law won’t be getting her a $90,000 car as her gift, I’m not sure how my favorite niece’s Sweet 16 party can stack up to Cher’s. But as her Uncle, I just pray to Little Baby Jesus that my niece doesn’t wear a dress that was skimpier than the outfit of a stripper named Destiny I remember seeing years ago in Las Vegas. Cher wore that dress.

And I still have to try to figure out what tie to wear, and why the hell I had a dream where I was eating human stew.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Posted by Rightdude at January 20, 2007 7:02 PM


Great, now I have to take my Elvis tie to the cleaners. I suppose I'll just deduct the cleaning cost from her gift. Hope Mom doesn't disown me.

Posted by: The Dude on the Right at January 21, 2007 4:52 PM

I showed your favorite neice your ties and actually she hates the one you took to the cleaners. I bet you will never guess which one she did like. No not the swirly first one which by the way would probably go with her theme. Masquerade. No not the Daffy Duck one... a little to orange/red looking. Well just so I don't keep you guessing she actually likes the Elvis one. See I told you would never of guessed.

Posted by: sister at January 21, 2007 1:48 PM

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