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The Protector
Movie Stats & Links

Starring: Tony Jaa
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: The Weinstein Company
Web Site: www.theprotectormovie.com
Kiddie Movie: I believe it would be best to leave them at home.
Date Movie: Only if she likes martial arts ass kicking.
Gratuitous Sex: There's a scene in a mud bath, which sadly was filled with mud.
Gratuitous Violence: Um, duh.
Action: Um, duh again.
Laughs: There are a couple of chuckles.
Memorable Scene: I would have to say that the scene where Kham just kept breaking limb after limb after limb, complete with bone-breaking sound effects, was pretty cool.
Memorable Quote: The detective to Kham: "Shit, a real elephant.  You weren't kidding."
Directed By: Prachya Pinkaew
Produced By: Prachya Pinkaew, Sukanya Vongsthapat

The Protector
A Movie Review

MPAA Rated - R

It's 1:24 Long

A Review by
The Dude on the Right
I finally had it. Had what I have so longed for in my movie-going experience. Okay, had one thing that I have so longed for in my movie-going experience. What did I have, you might ask?  Get your mind out of the gutter because all I had was a truly private screening at my local giga-plex. Fine, it was the Sunday, 10:20 AM showing of the movie "The Protector," but there I was, by myself, in the theater, and I could have farted, used my cell phone, talked to myself, kicked the seat in front of me, run up and down the aisles, throw popcorn at the rows ahead of me, farted again, and no one would care. My movie-going experience will probably never be the same again.

In any case, when I told Stu Gotz I was probably going to see "The Protector" this weekend, and it was essentially a movie about a dude trying to rescue some sacred elephants, he quickly chimed in "Didnít they already make that movie, and wasnít it called ĎDumbo Drop?í" I told him that no, this movie was not "Dumbo Drop," but more like "Dumbo Drop" with some kick-ass martial arts going on. Okay, the movie isnít really "Dumbo Drop," so letís get to the heart of the story.

In ancient Asian times it seems the strength of the King was determined by the strength and majesty of his elephant, and the elephant was revered as a sacred animal. In current times, the King/Emperor still likes to have a nice elephant, but more as a symbol instead of for fighting. Kham (Tony Jaa) is the son of one of the best elephant breeders in the land, and he learns the ways of the ancients and those who protected the elephants of the Kings. Sadly, one day, his father is killed at the hands of those looking to smuggle his grand elephant for use by the evil gang lady as a symbol of her strength, and Kham finds himself in Australia, where the police department is corrupt, gangs rule some streets, and Kham can only trust a few folks who seem to realize Kham is there for good.

And so Kham tracks down the man, Johnny (Johnny Tri Nguyen), who originated the elephant kidnapping, and comes to realize it is kingpin lady Madame Rose (Xing Jing), who holds the secret to the whereabouts of his elephants. In the meantime there are a lot of fight scenes with lots of various people. For one scene we are shown Kham kicking total ass of "The Fluorescent Light-bulb Gang." Why do I call them this? Well, because when they first enter the warehouse, the kids all grab fluorescent light-bulbs, which Iím not really sure if they are effective weapons but they do look cool when they explode. Then there is the scene with a trio of folks: First off Kham takes care of "Cart-Wheel Man," then itís time to disable "Sword Man," and then itís time for the fight between Kham and "Giant Man," a prelude to Khamís fighting the best of the AWE (my fictitious Australian Wrestling Entertainment).

And if you thought that was enough fighting, oh, you would be so wrong. There is also the "Running up the stairs, kicking ass, running up more stairs, kicking ass, running up even more stairs, and more kicking ass, only to find more stairs to run up and even more asses to kick, finally reaching the top of the stairs, and still having to kick more ass" scene, and finally, before the "Iím going to jump to knock Madame Rose off the helicopter scene," there is a scene where the hospital is going to need a buttload of splints for all of the broken arms and legs, and I mean a buttload, because if Kham is really good at one thing, it is breaking arms and legs.

The quirky story about having to rescue the elephants aside, if you are looking for a martial arts flick with lots of kicking ass, "The Protector" might be up your alley. You have to trudge a little through some boring plot crap, but donít worry, more ass-kicking is right around the corner. For me, though, the boring plot crap really brought the movie down a bit, and the gratuitous nudity was covered in mud, so in the end Iím giving "The Protector" 2 Ĺ stars out of 5. And, if you see the movie and ask yourself "Was that Jackie Chan?" in one scene, from everything I can find on the internet, it isnít, just a look-alike, but a damn-good look-alike if itís not.

Thatís it for this one! Iím The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

 

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