Blood and Wine

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:40 Long
A Review by:
– Stu Gotz

Blood and Wine
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jack Nicholson, Judy Davis, Jennifer Lopez, Stephen Dorff, Michael Caine
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Fox Searchlight
Release Date: 1996
Kiddie Movie: Much less appropriate for kids than it is for dates.
Date Movie: Save the money and take her to a Steak and Shake instead.
Gratuitous Sex: One nipple would have rated this movie an additional half star from me.
Gratuitous Violence: I had a violent attitude after seeing this movie.
Action: Fights, car chases, all with a dash of salt.
Laughs: I sat in my seat laughing about how bad the movie was.
Memorable Scene: Actually… The fact that the movie didn’t slap a happy romantic cliché ending was the only thing memorable about this movie for me.
Memorable Quote: “Baby, I’m gonna take you away from all this.” Do real people really say this while dancing the marimba in lingerie? Not in my book. But then again this movie was definitely not my type of book.
Directed By: Bob Rafelson

Have you ever made chicken soup? I’m not talking about busting out a can of Campbell’s but actually making it from scratch? The recipe for chicken soup is pretty simple and hard to mess up (although it can be done). By adding the right components, at the right time, and in the right amounts, nine times out of ten you wind up with a pretty basic soup. In time and with a little practice one can even learn how to doctor up a basic chicken soup recipe and make it into something totally kick-ass and far from basic.

Did you know that Hollywood knows the secret to kick-ass chicken soup and very often applies it to the recipe of making movies. A lot of times the creation is supreme, but other times it’s just plain old broth. Such is the case of the new Jack Nicholson and Michael Cane movie “Blood & Wine.”

This movie reminded me of my Jeep on a cold winter’s day – it just didn’t want to start. But back to the soup comparison. Like waiting for that pot of water to boil, this movie seemed to take forever to build to something exciting. After the water did get boiling the writers added some good stock in the way of bad guy characters in Alex Gates (Nicholson) and Victor Spansky (Cane). Lots of potential here. Later came a little salt which reviled the plot to a jewel heist. To spice things up a bit some salsa was added in the way of Gabriella (Jennifer Lopez – hubba-hubba, what a babe) who portrayed a Latin love interest. For good measure the writers even threw in a little sour lemon as a way to potentially spoil a perfect crime.

They followed the recipe, and even tried to add something special, so why was it that this movie was so bad? I think it’s because I’ve been fed chicken broth, stew, casserole, gumbo, and flambé all my life. I’m tired of that recipe and its deviations. What I want is something new, and this movie is not new. Actually, to be fair, the movie should actually get acclaim for being a perfect example of a “Hollywood Cook Book Movie,” but for me it was like one of those old Gum Shoe novels made for late night TV. Slow, boring, and predictable. I really don’t know whose ass I wanted to kick more after seeing the movie, Fox for releasing it or the Dude on the Right for making me pay $4.50 to go see it. I cannot recommend this movie to the everyday kind of guy, but if you’re a film student the structure will appeal to you, and if you’re a dorky Chicago film critic it will appeal to you because you’re an artsy horses ass that has lost touch with the blue collar class people like me. Sorry Jack but I can only give your movie 1 out of 5 stars. Please don’t kick my ass! Later…