Category: General Musings

The Final Member

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:12 Long
A Review by:
– The Dude on the Right

The Final Member
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Sigurður “Siggi” Hjartarson, Pall Arason, Tom Mitchell
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Drafthouse Films / Cinedigm
Released On: June 17, 2014
Kiddie Movie: They might giggle a lot, but you might want to put them to bed.
Date Movie: I was a little worried when my wife said “I wonder what his penis looks like?”
Gratuitous Sex: Some talk of womanizing.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Only like most people would laugh at penis stuff.
Memorable Scene: The ending scene was awesome, but there were two scenes I won’t mention that were hilarious and might make you cringe if you a man.
Memorable Quote: “He has this great specimen, Elmo.”
Directed By: Jonah Bekhor and Zach Math

Who knew it was so difficult to get a penis donor? That, in essence, is the underlying theme of “The Final Member,” one of the most riveting and at times hilarious documentaries that will make most men cross their legs and give that “protect my junk” gesture with their hands, while women, or at least my woman, will watch in utter amazement at the quest for a penis specimen.

Sigurður “Siggi” Hjartarson is the founder and curator of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, a museum that was started pretty much to save his marriage as Siggi’s fascination and collecting of any penis he could find was driving his wife crazy and over-running the space in their house. Over the 40 years he has collected many a penis, from the teeny, tiny hamster dink to the giant, sperm whale johnson. He also is into wood-carving, carvings, of course, of penises, with clocks, utensils, and a variety of items any man would be proud to display in his man cave. All of this is great and swell, but what his museum was missing is the most treasured of specimens, the homo sapiens.

During “The Final Member” we follow Siggi’s quest for the piece that will make his museum and in fact, his life, complete. You see, Siggi is getting up in his years, and as a man who is proud of his museum he knows that without the human penis it’s just a collection of stuff. Low and behold enter two people, Pall Arason and Tom Mitchell. Pall is an elderly gentleman, an Icelandic legend not only for his adventurous nature, but also for his womanizing. Pall has decided that upon his death he would like to donate his penis to the museum, and Siggi is thrilled because what would be a better way to “complete” the collection than with an Icelandic legend. There is also Tom, however, who states “I felt ever since I was a kid that when the time came I didn’t want my penis to go to waste when I died.”, and has named his penis “Elmo.” He decides, though, that he would like to donate his penis while he is still alive, a fact that makes Siggi curious but also excited because he won’t have to wait for Pall to kick the bucket. Tom, however, is a weird dude, and if you think Siggi is obsessed with the penis, that’s nothing compared to Tom who has come up with how he wants his penis preserved, displayed, and even Siggi says of Tom, “This is a funny guy.”

Sure this is a little bit of a spoiler alert, but the movie does end with Siggi getting “The Final Member,” and the ending triumph scene is awesome. I was so happy for him at the end I almost got a little weepy. I will, however, not spoil two of the best scenes in the movie only to say that yes, they do involve the penises of Pall and Tom.

A lot of documentaries can be boring, drag on, and get preachy, but I was happy to find “The Final Member” a fascinating look at man’s obsession with his penis, blending the oddly serious nature of Siggi’s quest to complete his collection with a mix of humor that, well, goes along the line of how people generally find talking about the penis funny. It’s 5 stars out of 5 for “The Final Member.” Women will just shake their heads watching and wondering why men can be so obsessed with it, while the men will fully understand and maybe pull out the ruler to see if their penis is of legal length.

A great movie, and I now have a new vacation destination, the Icelandic Phallological Museum. The trick, now, will be convincing my wife we should go to Iceland.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Did you receive a questionable gift when you were younger that you still use?

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The other day while rearranging my closet a bit I came across my old toiletry case. It’s nothing special, nothing fancy, just this blue, well, toiletry case, with two large compartments and some smaller side pockets with zippers. The thing is it’s one of those things I questioned when I received it but would have been lost for years had I never gotten it.

I still remember the day. It was my high school graduation and our neighbors, The Goldbergs, had given me a gift. I was slightly perplexed figuring I would just get a card with cash (or should I say I was hoping I would just get a card with cash), but there it was, an actual gift and a slight anticipation became me as I was trying to figure out in my head what they might have bought me. Sort of giddy as I opened things, the card they gave me was nice enough but no cash, and I proceeded to the gift portion, opening it to find this toiletry case. Like probably the majority of any high school senior, or I suppose just about anyone in humanity, I thought “What kind of gift is this? What the hell am I going to do with a toiletry case?”, but I filled out the obligatory thank-you card, and put the case in my closet.

When I moved to college I remember taking the case with me, still wondering why I was even keeping it, but then low and behold, my first trip back home and I’m questioning where I would put my toothbrush and other toiletries when I remembered, “Hey, I have a toiletry case!” And thus began years of, at every trip, digging the old case out of the closet or out of my luggage, stuffing it with the essentials of deodorant, hair brush, tooth brush, razor, toothpaste, and other things you would put in a toiletry case, and undoubtedly, every time I see it I think of The Goldbergs and how this seemingly odd gift has actually been a part of my life for over 25 years and has outlasted anything the cash would have bought had they given me money as a gift.

And so I wonder, as I think of The Goldbergs and my toiletry case: Did you receive a questionable gift when you were younger that you still use?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Have you shot a bow and arrow?

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I’m watching music videos wondering what I’m wondering about and the start to Luke Bryan’s “My Kind of Night” video starts with him shooting a flaming arrow to start a bonfire to have a fun night, complete with a truck bed with Saturday Night Fever lights in the floor. Mind you he has a full-blown bow and arrow setup, the kind you would use for hunting, and I harkened back to my younger years, at day camp where one of the activities was to shoot a bow and arrow, only this was old-school with the crappy bow and an arrow that had fletchings that were all messed up so that there was really no way that the arrow would fly straight, and should it have been a flaming arrow probably would have strayed into the woods and started a forest fire instead of a party-time bonfire.

As I was watching the video it also occurred to me that the other day I saw a truck advertising archery lessons and I wondered “Are there that many people looking to learn archery to make it a profession?” The truck was nicely donned in camouflage, and I actually thought it might be fun to shoot a real bow and arrow, but then I wondered why I would ever need that skill, unless, of course, the world goes to hell and a hand basket and we have to live off of the land like our ancestors. Then I wondered if I could actually shoot an animal to eat.

There’s been a lot of wondering since the start of that music video so I suppose I’ll just keep this simple and wonder: Have you shot a bow and arrow?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Should Andy Have Taken the Strawberry Lemonade?

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Something came up the other day that put a wrinkle in my day, and left me in a bit of quandary. The plan for lunch was for some Greek food. I’m a fan of a good gyro, or maybe a pastitsio, and I was looking forward to the lunch for a few days as it would be a break from the norm. As my day would have it something came up right during lunchtime, taking me away from my culinary plans and now, in a hurry back to the status quo of the day was quickly trying to ponder something else for lunch, something with a drive-thru as it should be quicker, and that I could eat in the car. Don’t ask me why but all that came to mind was a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal. Weird.

I find myself heading into the drive thru in one of those fancy McDonald’s with the double-drive through, another car kind of sneaks in front of me but I don’t think anything of it, quickly say “a quarter pounder with cheese meal with a Diet Coke,” and proceed to the window. Meanwhile, the car that snuck in front of me at the other drive-thru speaker was still sitting there, and I was just happy I wasn’t stuck behind them.

At the window I’m getting ready to pay, oddly content with my lunch choice and now wondering the complexities of eating my burger in the car without getting catsup down my shirt, when low and behold the manager pokes his head out at me and says “Were you cut-off coming in line?” I really didn’t think anything of the other car, it wasn’t like the did a blatant “sneak,” and say “No.” “Well, the lady in the car behind you feels bad for cutting you off and wants to buy you a strawberry lemonade.” Now my wheels are spinning as I didn’t feel I was cut-off in the first place, I was already content with my Diet Coke, and I was also thinking that it seemed like an odd gesture for a resolution to being rude. I mean, “I cut this guy off. I know, I’ll buy him a strawberry lemonade!” What about picking up the tab for my meal? What about some fries? I would have preferred some extra fries. Even a bottle of water seemed more appropriate because now I’m saddled with my Diet Coke and a strawberry lemonade. I mean, how thirsty did I look?

In the end I told the manager something like “Well I really don’t want a strawberry lemonade, and I don’t think she really cut me off. Can you tell her ‘Thank you’ for me?” Now the manager seemed perplexed because he had already rang up the strawberry lemonade on her order and I could hear him telling Skippy at the register to offer her the money back. It all just seemed very complicated, but as I drove away and began the logistics of cleanly eating my burger while I was driving (happily with no catsup spillage) I wondered: Should I have taken the strawberry lemonade?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!!

Do You Like Squirrels?

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I’m not sure where my fascination with squirrels comes from. I suppose it has to do with growing up in Lorain where squirrels were abundant and we would feed them on our back patio, giving them an ample supply of peanuts especially when winter was upon us, even to the point when I was younger and found myself brave enough to let our neighborhood buddy take a peanut from the palm of my hand. They would look in the patio window at the bag of peanuts if we weren’t early enough to put them out for their breakfast, and in general, they were just fun to watch.

I love seeing squirrels eat a nut, commercials with talking squirrels, and this morning Brad Paisley has made me his biggest fan because as I’m watching the video for his latest song “River Bank,” a catchy, summer ditty that makes me wish I had an inner-tube and lived near a river, there he was, Twiggy, the water-skiing squirrel, helping Brad and his friends have a party in the river. The video includes a squirrel-cam so you can get close-ups of Twiggy as he cruises around, gets soaking wet, and seems to have a blast (as much as a squirrel can have a blast I guess), but in any case I was mesmerized, and along with a fun song, now I have the image of a water-skiing squirrel in my head every time I hear it, which just seems wrong as there were plenty of girls in bikinis and downing tequila shots during the song as well.

So there, I like squirrels, and I wonder: Do you like squirrels?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Would You Go on a Water Slide Taller than The Statue of Liberty?

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The other week I’m watching the news and there is talk of a water slide that has officially broken the Guinness World Record for tallest water slide. Sure, there’s a world record for just about anything these days, so why not a water slide? Most people might probably expect the story to be at some exotic location, maybe Dubai or Kuala Lampur, you know, those places where they are building skyscrapers that touch the heavens, or maybe at some fancy Six Flags theme park, but no, instead of the United States sporting the tallest skyscraper we get to now boast the tallest water slide, and not in some huge metropolis – to ride the tallest water slide get your butt to Kansas City, Kansas (not the Missouri version), and this place called the Schlitterbahn Water Park, a chain of water parks throughout the country, but now making Kansas City famous.

The ride is called Verruckt, and clocking in at 168′ 7″, the drop is taller than The Statue of Liberty or going over Niagara Falls, and as the website lets you know, you won’t be getting a super-wedgie as this is an actual ride where you will be safely secured in a four person raft before going over a second hill a mere 50 feet.

Sure, the fact you will be in a raft might take some of the daredevil nature out of the ride, but still, it seems kind of wacky going down a water slide that would be like plunging over Niagara, though no more wacky than some of the tallest roller coasters. Me, I used to be a roller coaster kind of guy, though that has waned mostly because I haven’t been to my favorite theme part in the world, Cedar Point, in years, home to some of the best coasters and memories squiggles and of my buddy Rob doing an impression of Cornholio before we even knew who Cornholio was.

I probably won’t be making it to Schlittergahn anytime soon, but America, be proud! We have the tallest water slide, but I wonder: Would you go on a water slide taller than The Statue of Liberty?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Is There a Commercial that Drives Your Pet Bonkers?

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I officially hate Mark Cuban. No, it’s not because of his somewhat arrogant attitude. No, it’s not because of some of the things he’s invested in on “Shark Tank.” No, it’s not because I’m secretly jealous. Okay, hate is a strong word, so I suppose I don’t hate him, but he’s really getting on my nerves.

Why?

Because he’s the centerpiece of a current AT&T commercial for their U-Verse service, and every time it comes on our dog goes bonkers. Why? Because it has a doorbell that sounds exactly like our doorbell, and it rings at least 1000 times in a span of 30 seconds.

In the commercial the doorbell rings, and Mark answers the door, holding his tablet with the big game on it. A basketball legend arrives, they watch the game on his table while walking to the living room, then the doorbell rings again, more basketball players show up, they watch the game on the way to the room, and the situation keeps playing out about 1000 times (or at least so it seems as our dog goes ballistic with every doorbell ring) eventually leaving Mark Cuban in his living room with way too-tall players blocking his view of his TV, so he’s relegated to watching the game on his tablet, in the easy chair at the back of the room, which he is able to to because he has U-Verse.

Our neighbors, I’m sure, are ready to call the cops because our dog is barking so much for a thirty-second span, Milo thinks he is protecting us way too often and wonders who keeps ringing our doorbell while we just ignore whomever is at the door, and I’m not blaming AT&T, nor the variety of basketball legends attached to the commercial, nope, I’m blaming Mark Cuban because, well, that’s just easier.

The underlying problem with the commercial is that it pretty much starts with a doorbell. There have been other commercial with doorbells that make Milo bonkers, but there was generally a 3 to 5 second window before the doorbell, enough time for us to dive for the remote and hit the mute button before barminess hit. Not this commercial. Pretty much it’s got about a millisecond lag from seeing Cuban on the couch to the doorbell ringing. Not enough time for muting, not enough time to change the channel, but just enough time for Milo the Protector to do his duty and decide his little fifteen pounds of white fur will be enough to protect us from the bad guys at the door.

I was hoping this was just an ad run for the NCAA tournament as that’s when it started, but it’s continuing, now, through the NBA playoffs, and I fear that now we won’t be able to watch any TV for months, thanks to Mark Cuban.

Milo used to want to attack the TV when he would see animals or other dogs on it, but now it might be Marc Cuban as a Pavlovian response of protection. No more sports to watch, no more Shark Tank, at least if we want some peace and quiet. And so, as I now hate, okay am bothered by Mark Cuban, I’m wondering: Is there a commercial that drives your pet bonkers?

Are Your May Flowers Blooming?

April is over. Thank God! I suppose it wasn’t the worst of Aprils, but after the winter we’ve had, and most people just wanting weather to be normal, this last blast of rainy weather and storms around the country just continues a 2014 of nutty weather.

The sayings go that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, well, that little lamb has turned into one grumpy sheep during April, and if April showers bring May flowers, I’m thinking the flowers of May should be overly abundant this year.

You can blame global warming, you can blame Mother Nature, you can blame God for being pissed at the world because it is accepting gay people, or, like me, you can just attribute the weird weather to, well, we’ve only got a couple hundred years of accurate weather history so we have no idea what kind of start the year 1253 got off to, but as weather years go we’ll have stories to tell the youngins in about twenty years. Me, I’m just wondering right now: Are your May flowers blooming?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Will They Find the Missing Malaysian Flight 370?

It’s coming on two months since Malaysian Flight 370 disappeared, and like many tragedies that so engulfed people’s water-cooler talk for a few weeks, unless you are directly involved you probably don’t really care any longer. You might have a minute or two down the road when someone will say something like “Did they ever find that airplane?” and remember it for a minute, but until they actually find the missing plane it’s almost time when the searching will stop, there will be an outcry from people with those missing that they shouldn’t stop, but the reality might set in that they may never find the plane, something in itself that seems hard to fathom these days.

I guess what has flabbergasted me the most, especially in this day and age when if allowed, I can use my phone to find exactly where in the world my friend might be at any given time with things like “Find my iPhone” and GSP tracking, that airplanes, especially commercial airlines, don’t have continuos tracking. Maybe this tragedy will change all of that, especially the thoughts that maybe, just maybe, had that capability been on the plane, if there were any survivors there might have been a chance to get to them in time, but alas, as the Titanic was missing for the longest time, it might be years and years until someone actually finds Malaysian Flight 370.

I suppose the answer might be “Yes,” but over the course of travel there have been many vessels lost at sea never to be found, though I wonder: Will they find Malaysian Flight 370?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Did You Know That THE CFO Smokes and is a Litterbug?

I wonder if you know that THE CFO smokes and is a litterbug. I do. Okay, I’m not exactly sure it was “the” CFO, so I’ll further explain.

The other day I find myself cruising along the highway with my honey and in front of us is a car with a vanity plate. I’m always fascinated at what people put on a vanity plate, especially since it can identify you as an asshole if you are a sucky driver, or do something, well, sucky other than driving. The car was driving fine, I mean, it was a straight stretch of road, they were a little over the speed limit, and not swerving back and forth or anything crazy like that. As I got a little closer there was the license plate: “THE CFO”. Maybe not as creative as “ASSMAN” from the Seinfeld episode, but the owner of the car was obviously proud of being the CFO, whatever CFO might stand for in this situation.

Maybe a little pompous, I thought, but hey, be proud! That was until I saw two things. Yup, there was the puff of smoke coming out of the driver side window, and sure enough, like clockwork, the cigarette butt was flicked out of the car window. Instantly my thoughts of slightly pompous turned to pompous asshole.

I have to admit that I didn’t stop the car and ask the driver if they were, in fact, the CFO, so I suppose my Daily Wonder should really be “Did you know someone in The CFO’s car smokes and is a litterbug?”, but I have to assume, especially since they were the smoker in the car (which most likely smells like an ashtray even though said tray isn’t used) and the driver of the vehicle, that whomever tossed out the cigarette butt was THE CFO. I could preach about the dangers of smoking and my mom dying of lung cancer, the dangers of flicking your cigarette butt out of the car window, or how the person should have gotten a ticket, but mostly I’ll just mention any thought of “Congratulations of achieving your success” I had in the person being The CFO went right out the window with the flick of a butt.

Mind you, this post only relates to THE CFO in Illinois, so you CFO’s in other states with vanity plates, I hope you don’t fall into this category, but all it takes is one to ruin all of your reputations.

I know cars don’t always come with ashtrays nowadays, though I’m guessing their car probably had one, however, I wonder: Did you know that THE CFO smokes and is a litterbug?

That’s it for this one! L8R!!!