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The 13th Warrior
Movie Stats & Links

Starring: Antonio Banderas, Omar Sharif
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Buena Vista Home Video
Kiddie Movie: Nope. Not one for the kids.
Date Movie: She might snuggle at the scary parts.
Gratuitous Sex: I don't remember any, but there might have been some.
Gratuitous Violence: Heads get chopped off.
Action: See "Violence."
Laughs: Nope.
Memorable Scene: Nope.
Memorable Quote: None.

The 13th Warrior
A Movie/DVD Review


Video Rated - R

It's 1:43 Long

A Review by
Stu Gotz
"The 13th Warrior" was supposed to be a swash-buckling movie about an Arab (Banderas) poet/ambassador drawn into a Norse, folk-like conflict. Aside from the star appeal brought to this movie by Antonio Banderas, the movie also, just briefly, starred Omar Shariff. This should have been a good movie. It wasn't and I had a lot of problems with this movie.
For starters, why would Antonio's character, Ibn, allow himself to be caught up into this Norse conflict. There he was, sitting in a tent, watching in disgust while the Norse tribesmen washed themselves with the same dirty water, and then a little kid comes in. The child tells of how his father's kingdom is under siege by an old, folk-legend terror. Not wanting to make a decision without proper council, the Norse almost king brings in an old, snaggle-tooth, soothsayer hag. She flings some bones and tells the the dude he should send 13 warriors. Men begin to volunteer until there are 12 and snaggle-puss says the 13th dude must not be a man from the North. All eyes turn to Antonio. Now if that were me I'd say "Good luck boy's, I got to go!" and I'd be out that tent faster then that dude in the Lynyrd Skynyrd song "Gimme Three Steps." But no… Antonio goes. I for one am not buying that. So that would be hole number one. No actually number two, because what the hell is an Arab doing with a Latin accent?!?

So sure enough the far off kingdom is being plagued by a mystic legend of bear-like people with a taste for human flesh. To add to the King of the region's trouble, his son is a defiant asshole!!! Now at this point in the movie I thought for sure we were going to be treated to a sub-plot of how King Jr. wants to take over pop's crown and that is why the bear-like people have appeared out of nowhere after 50-odd years. Is Jr behind it? Actually, the movie doesn't go that way at all. Instead they set up the defiant son thing and don't do a thing with it. Furthermore, as it turns out, the bear people have been there all along - they've just waited all this time to come out and look for food. Problems 2 & 3. Shall I go on? Well, when all is said and done the bear people are vanquished and Antonio rides off into the sunset. Yeah! It's over!!! The movie that is.

I didn't really like "The 13th Warrior." For me it was pretty average and belonged on TV, and I guess it would be an OK rental if all else is out. I give "The 13th Warrior" 2 out of 5 stars. There are better rentals and I'm Stu Gotz. Nuff' said!


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