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In The Alley...  Cheap Advice
Stu Gotz & Trash


Help! I need advice from Stu & Trash!

Dear Stu and Trash,
Walt here! I remember when it used to be Dear Dudes back in college. Who the hell are you two? I read a couple of your advices and personally I think we need to bring back The Dudes giving advice - well, at least maybe. If you don't know who I am, ask one of your dudes and they'll hip you in to how big of a loser I am. But, since The Dudes ain't handlin' this anymore, I hope you can help. Here's my ongoing problem: There's this girl I'm interested in. I met her while on vacation and things got really hot and heavy. For me, that is totally unusual, but, the problem is that she lives halfway across the country, and now that I found my one true love, I can't be with her. What should I do? Should I move out there or convince her that she should move where I live? Should I just be happy about the great sex and give it up (following my head), or do everything possible to get us together (following, well, you know)? Please help!

Stu Says...

Trash Says...

Dear Walt:
Yeah... I remember you. You big horse's ass! In case you didn't know, I used to be a part time Dude. I remember you asking for advice about that chick you dated from the meat packing plant? I suggested you pack your meat using a natural case sausage wrapper (sheep intestine condom)? Ever read the Memorial Day Sheena Easton Review? Any of this ring a bell? That was me ...

About you and your ongoing problems. Jesus bald headed Christ!!! I've never heard so much pissing and moaning come out of one guy about chicks. Give up trying to figure out the psychos of the human species (females) and become a monk or something. Some people just weren't meant to have relationships and you fit into that category.

Let me tell you, from my own personal experience, long distance relationships can be a lot of fun, but they rarely ever work. For example... I dated a hot Kraut who lived in Germany for about four months. Man this chick loved getting tied up. The sex may have been great, but the travel costs were outrageous! Do you know how much lovn' a grand can buy here in the US? Then there was this hair dresser from Canada I dated for a little over a year. This girl had internal muscle control like you wouldn't believe (best I ever had). We saw each other about every other month and did nothing but hump. We didn't make slow boring passionate love... more like animals in heat! But aside from being great sexual partners, we had little in common. I think she's married now - I sure do envy that husband of hers. Basically, the only thing I got out of my long distance relationships was a lot of great sex and a huge ass phone bill.

Relationships are partnerships. Partnerships are compromise. Compromise is giving in and I don't think any man should give into any woman. But woman, by nature, should always be submissive to men. Walt, do you really want to get tied down? Right now you got it great pal. You've got a sex toy you can bounce off your lap every other month and you still get to screw around with a couple of locals. Forget this moving in shit, it'll just wind up in court (marriage, divorce, or paternity). I say you just stick with the "every other month, non-committal, sex-capade" plan.

If you're all hot about this chick, then have her give up her life and move in here with you. But, don't let her free load - you get her ass to work right away. Who cares if she can't put her degree to work? You don't need a degree to say "you want fries with that?" However, if your life here sucks, then by all means move in with her, but work it for all you can. No need for you to jump back into the job market right away. Hey, you're a man. Men have skills that need to be utilized damn it! So until that right job comes along, the two of you can live off the love you have for each other and her savings account. Then when things get bad, and they always do, tell her she was the biggest mistake you ever made and come back home. You've lost nothing, got a vacation, and had lots of sex! God I love it when a plan comes together..........

Dear Walt,
Hip you in? What the hell does that mean? Let's see, Mr. Loser, you want my advice after you spent two sentences telling me that we suck. Yup, I'd say you need serious help!

Now to your questions. Oh please, spare the poor girl. I'm sure the only reason she is your one true love is because she did you and you could take off without having to face her again. For most guys I know, they dream of that situation. It sounds like you haven't been getting any lately, so I think you may have gotten tired of the first love of your life (Rosey palm). Besides, what makes you so sure she would want to be with your? She may not have enjoyed herself one bit!

If I were you I would just be happy she touched you and move on. You still come out a head, oops, I mean ahead.

See ya!

Help! I need advice from Stu & Trash!

Editor's Disclaimer: Cheap Advice from Stu Gotz & Trash is part serious, part entertainment. Their answers are blunt, sometimes biased, sometimes sexist, and sometimes they even try to be funny. Neither Stu nor Trash have any education in psychology, psychiatry, or really in advising people at all, but they do have an opinion and their advice is meant to be taken for what it is - free advice.


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