By:
The Dude on the Right
For you west coasters, wondering who won "American Idol" this year, I would like
to apologize for spoiling it for you, but for the love of any God, space alien,
or cosmos wondering about how we are here on this planet, PLEASE DO NOT WASTE
YOUR TIME WATCHING THIS FINALE!!!!! (Although, if you TiVo it, head straight for
the one hour and eleven minute mark to hear the greatest Idol singer ever).
I watched (some) of it, and here’s how it went.
Yes, Ryan Seacrest bragged
about how many votes were cast (something like 97.5 gabajillion, or at least
97.5 million votes), split between 56% for David, and 44% for the other David,
they did a "here’s what’s happening in their hometown" clip, and then another
lame sing-a-long. Then David and David did a bad duet of Chad Kroeger’s
(he’s the lead singer dude from Nickelback) version of "Hero," and then a
bizarre, crappy, piece of shit, plug for the next Mike Myers film "The Love
Guru,", trying to say that Guru Pitka is actually a real person, influencing our
two finalists. Oh my f-ing God! What in the hell is this total crap?
Mike Myers, you are no Sasha Baron Cohen.
The Idol folks then let Syesha come
out to show she probably should be the winner, doing a duet with Seal of
"Waiting for You," with, of course, Paula Abdul dancing her butt off. And
after about about a 4 minute commercial break we got Jason Castro back, singing
"Hallelujah," again. Yippee, although most of us probably already bought
the Jeff Buckley version on iTunes. And here we go, it’s just want we want
to see after another song, a product placement commercial for some Ford cars!
Another "Yippee" is in order!
Now we get the girl contestants singing Donna
Summer’s "She Works Hard for the Money," in group fashion, only letting us
remember how hot some of these dudettes were before they got booted from our
memories because they couldn’t really sing that great, and then, for more
lameness, having Donna Summer come out looking almost dazed and confused singing
what is going to be her new single. Do we really want Disco back?
Out of the groove of her latest "hit," Donna’s now into "Last Dance," with her
having the excitement of, well, I’m sorry for being mean, but having none,
letting Syesha show that yes, she is actually a singer. And now, with the
Donna Summer debacle done we get a Diet Coke commercial from like what, 3
summers ago?
Uggghhh!!! (Can you tell I’m really flustered watching this
show?)
At least we got a T-Mobile commercial from like a year or two ago where
Dad says to his daughter "Maybe you should have uglier friends." And then
with another commercial break I TiVo’d through, we get Carly Smithson and
Michael John singing an overproduced and "why the hell is this being done as a
duet" version Joe Cocker/The Box Tops "The Letter."
And at the 43 minute mark,
thank the Lord for Jimmy Kimmel! Oh, my God, it’s only the 43 minute mark!
That means there is probably another hourish left before we actually get to find
out who is the next American Idol.
Now the guys get to sing Bryan Adam’s
"Summer of ’69." What the hell is it with having Ameircan Idol people sing
songs released when they weren’t even born yet, and now, yes, we actually get
Bryan Adams to sing something new from him, "I Thought I’d Seen Everything."
Don’t get me wrong, I like Bryan Adams, but Bryan Adams?
Yay, now David Cook
gets to sing with ZZ Top, doing "Sharp Dressed Man." For some reason, I
don’t think I can actually hear David’s guitar.
Oh my God, I just can’t take
it anymore, now I’m getting Graham Nash singing "Teach Your Children" with
Brooke White. Actually, I almost like this performance, but I still can’t
take it anymore, can’t blog about this anymore. I’m going to watch some
baseball now to see if the Cubs, White Sox, or Indians win, and will be back
later to just announce who won.
Thank God for TiVo!
Okay, yes, I couldn’t
resist, I checked back, seeing that the Cubs were losing, and I’m torn between
the White Sox and the Indians winning their game, and what do I see back on
American Idol, but the greatest singer of all time, the "I Am Your Brother"
dude, Renaldo Lapuz. I actually have him as ringtones for some of my
friends! Screw Fleetwood Mac, Renaldo singing "I Am Your Brother" with the
USC Marching Band is a hell of lot better than "Tusk."
It’s back to
baseball….
Okay, the baseball is boring, it’s back to Idol. Oh crap,
it’s Jordin Sparks showing, and damn, I hate to be mean again, but why can’t she
lose a couple of pounds to make herself a totally hot singer? There’s
that, and I’m no fashion guru, but what’s up with the outfit that explodes her
hips?
Oh, thank God, another "product placement" commercial filtered in to the
American Idol broadcast. Yup, there’s a movie coming out called "Tropic
Thunder," and you might know it now.
Okay, never mind, Carrie Underwood is now
on the show, showing why I might want to convert to vegetarianism, with a skirt
that, well, umm, I’m going to pause this really quick. Did I say I love my
Tivo yet?
Okay, I’m back, that was quick….
Another group song – it’s back
to baseball…
The Cubs are still losing, the White Sox are now beating my
Cleveland Indians with a home run, I guess I’m back to Idol…
Ughhhh!
Just give me the winner already! It’s been an hour and 47 minutes already!
This is really why I’m starting to hate this show. And oh my God, they
just brought out George Michael, who, surprisingly enough, has a tour to
promote, and he’s singing "Praying For Time." Okay, he did a nice job with
that. But, of course, we have to promote his tour!
Finally, please, oh
for the love of God, please, just tell me who in the hell is the winner!
Final
thoughts from me – get back to why we actually watch the show, quit with the
crap. The result’s shows should only be a half an hour long, the
contestants should be able to sing full versions of the songs and be given a
chance to be performers, and if you are getting mentors for these people, get
actual mentors.
And so, David Cook wins "American Idol." Good for him!
I’m tired, I have to get this posted, and I hope you didn’t waste your time
watching this two-hour, bloated, version of a finale, and just TiVo’d your way
to the end.
That’s it for this one!
I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!