Charlie’s Angels

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:38 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right sort of.

Charlie’s Angels
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, Bill Murray
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Release Date: 2000
Kiddie Movie: A waste of time.
Date Movie: A waste of time.
Gratuitous Sex: A waste of time.
Gratuitous Violence: A waste of time.
Action: A waste of time.
Laughs: A waste of time.
Memorable Scene: A waste of time.
Memorable Quote: A waste of time.
Directed By: McG

I won’t waste much of your time and I’m taking The Dude on the Left’s advice and not wasting much of my time, because, well, he found “Charlie’s Angels” a complete waste of time.

Here’s what he told me. The Angles don’t have guns, they can dodge bullets, the story is stupid, and poor Bill Murray, how the mighty have fallen. He said “Charlie’s Angels” was kinda like “The Matrix” but without the cool storyline and that, well, it was a cheesy as you’d expect but not really in a funny way. The thing he found most entertaining was a comment during the movie when a guy on the plane complained about the in-flight movie, a remake of “T.J. Hooker”, and how he wished they would stop making movies of bad ‘80s TV shows.

The Dude on the Left said he’d give the movie 1 star out of 5. I may still waste my time and go see it some day, and you might waste your time too, but don’t say you weren’t warned. And that’s enough wasting of your time and my time writing this review.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right reporting for The Dude on the Left!! L8R!!!

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:55 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Johnny Depp, Freddie Highmore, Anna Sophia Robb, Christopher Lee, Missi Pyle
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: Warner Bros.
Release Date: 2005
Kiddie Movie: It’s pretty good for everyone.
Date Movie: They might like it, too.
Gratuitous Sex: Really, what do you think?
Gratuitous Violence: No.
Action: Some fun action scenes.
Laughs: There are good chuckles for adults and kids.
Memorable Scene: Technology has made the factory even that more enjoyable.
Memorable Quote: Nothing really stands out.
Directed By: Tim Burton

I was worried that with “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” I would be totally disappointed in the movie because of my love for “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” My worry was unfounded, although I do have one major gripe, which I’ll get to later. Let’s get to it…

The story is pretty much the same as “Willy Wonka,” with a little more of a backstory. This time we learn why Willy Wonka got into the chocolate business, his family issues as a little boy, and why the Oompa Loompa’s are working in the factory instead of people. Once again Willy offers up a tour of his factory to some lucky children who find the magic tickets, and our kids are the same. You of course get poor kid Charlie, the fat slob Augustus, the TV addicted genius Mike, the gum-chewing Violet, and the spoiled brat Veruca. Along with them come their parents, who are just as wacky as their kids.

So, you get the kids touring the factory, and yes, Augustus falls in the chocolate river, Violet turns into a blueberry, and Mike gets put inside a TV. Different, though I actually liked it better, was Veruca’s fate, mostly because the animals were so cute. Different, also, was the way they worked the ending, but I’m sticking that the “Willy Wonka” ending was a little better and more poignant.

The main difference between the “Willy Wonka” version and the “Charlie” version is mostly the technological advances that give the “Charlie” version a slight advantage. The factory is fantastic, the Bucket’s homestead is oddly angular, and the elevator is pretty cool. I will also add that the folks playing the other kids and their parents were fantastic. However, this movie would have easily been 4 ½ stars except for one thing – the Oompa Loompa songs were horrible. When I asked Stu about this movie, he said the same thing, that the Oompa Loompa songs were unintelligible. And that is way too bad.

What they did, rather than the campy “Oompa Loompa Doom-pa-de-do” songs, was rework them into extravagant musical numbers with the instruments overpowering the lyrics, so much so that you really couldn’t understand the lesson the Oompa Loompa’s were trying to convey about the actions of kids, how eating too much is bad, chewing too much candy is gross, being spoiled is the parent’s fault, and watching too much TV rots your brain.

The way they did the Oompa Loompa’s was interesting, and overall I enjoyed the movie, the characters, and even though Johnny Depp was pretty creepy, he even won me over. I just don’t understand how you can make this movie and screw up the Oompa Loompa songs, and that’s enough for me to drop my rating to 3 ½ stars out of 5. I understand they couldn’t just copy the way the songs were done in the “Willy Wonka” version, but they should have been able to come up with something better than they did.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Changing Lanes

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:39 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Changing Lanes
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Ben Affleck, Amanda Peet
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Paramount Pictures
Release Date: 2002
Kiddie Movie: Lots of swear words and an adult story. Leave them with the sitter.
Date Movie: It’s a drama, but she’ll just probably say something like “See, guys are stupid.”
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: Not really beating the crap out of each other, but Gavin has a pretty bad car crash.
Action: Some suspense.
Laughs: Not really.
Memorable Scene: None.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Roger Michell

A lot of critics liked “Changing Lanes.” I’m not one of those critics. Let’s start with the basic story.

Ben Affleck is Gavin. He’s a partner in a law firm and on his way to deliver proof that an old man left his foundation to the law firm to take care of. On the way he has a fender-bender with Doyle (Samuel L. Jackson). Doyle is a recovering alcoholic trying to make a court date so he can keep some custody of his two sons. Gavin drops the proof and Doyle picks it up but he’s late for his court date. Gavin can’t prove his case without the proof Doyle picked up, Doyle lost all custody of his kids because he was twenty minutes late, and now it’s a day of who can get the other to flinch. Unfortunately for Gavin, Doyle has the trump card – Gavin just doesn’t realize it.

So both of our boys go through a really crappy day. Gavin is trying to get his file back; Doyle almost gives it back until Gavin pays a computer hacker to fuck with Doyle’s financial life, and now it’s a movie about ethics and just being a good person. Blah.

As I got about an hour into this movie I was bored. Yea, both lives are screwed up, both men are doing whatever is in their power to get their lives back together, and I knew that, in the end, their lives would be back on the road to rebuilding their mental states/ethics to the next level. And it happened.

Don’t get me wrong, the movie was okay, but from all of the rave reviews I had been reading, I figured “Changing Lanes” would be great. For me it wasn’t great, it was just okay. So I say see it, it’s an okay drama, but I was bored with the story about half the way through. Both men are stupid. 2 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

The Cell

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:47 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

The Cell
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Vincent D’Onofrio, Vince Vaughn
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: New Line Cinema
Release Date: 2000
Kiddie Movie: Don’t even think of bringing them.
Date Movie: She’ll get squirmy and hold you, then again, you might get squirmy too.
Gratuitous Sex: Weird sex and lots of nudity.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots of it, mostly in twisted mind sequences, but who wants to see a dude’s intestines being pulled out in any state of consciousness?
Action: Not much action.
Laughs: Some twisted chuckles here and there.
Memorable Scene: The dude getting his intestines pulled out.
Memorable Quote: Nothing really.
Directed By: Tarsem Singh

After watching “The Cell” my one thought was “Whoa, that was one fucked-up movie.” It was sick, it was demented, it reminded me of this twisted cross between “Hellraiser” and “Silence of the Lambs,” and in the end I can’t say it was the greatest movie, but it was sure entertaining, and although it was pretty obvious how things would turn out (they have to turn out that way – it’s pretty standard in Hollywood now that there aren’t any deviations from a happy or expected ending, although maybe they should try more – look at what a cool twist did for “The Sixth Sense,” but I’m sorry, I digress), “The Cell” kept me paying attention for the entire movie, and that’s always a good thing.

Here’s the story: Jennifer Lopez plays Catharine Deane, this psychiatrist type of lady working for a controversial company. What the company says is that it can implant the thoughts of one person into another’s mind so that person A can interact with the mind of person B, hopefully helping them to get over a comatose state caused by a variety of brain problems. Well, Catharine has been working with this young boy who’s mind has essentially shut off, but she can’t get through to him in his mind. Since his mind is full of ugly images, well, Catharine wants to reverse the process so that she can show the boy that life isn’t as ugly as his mind shows. Alright, enough intro and foreshadowing.

So, Catharine is going about her days but there is a killer, Carl (Vincent D’Onofrio), on the loose. He’s got mental problems, likes to turn girls into dolls by drowning them, cleaning them, and well, it’s pretty sick. The problem is that Carl has kidnapped one more victim, has her in the holding tank that will soon fill up with water, and his mind finally snaps him into a catatonic state. With no way to wake him up, the fed people enlist the help of Catharine to enter the dude’s mind to try to find out where he is holding her. Blah, blah, you can figure out the end.

What is cool with the movie is that it paints a fucked up version of reality in the mind of the psychotic. Dark images, blown exaggerations of reality, and how scary a psychopath might really be seeing the world, well, that’s what we see in the mind of the catatonic. Meanwhile, in the eyes of the living, we see how life can be better, how we can still be in charge, and how good people just want to help.

What is bad about the movie is you already know the ending – eventually they figure out where the killer is hiding the body, and the chief investigator guy saves her. That I fear is the Hollywood status-quo. Me, personally, I would have preferred them figuring out where the girl was too late, the chief investigator snaps, leaving a way for a more twisted sequel. But, that’s me – always hoping for an edge.

I’d say “The Cell” is, as a movie, about a 2 ½ starrer, but, adding the quality violence, the dude hanging but hooks in his back, and just a totally fucked up view of reality in the mind of a killer, well, let’s add another star and give “The Cell” 3 ½ stars out of 5.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Dr. Seuss’ The Car in the Hat

MPAA Rated – PG
It’s 1:22 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Mike Myers, Spencer Breslin, Dakota Fanning, Alec Baldwin, Kelly Preston, Sean Hayes
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: Universal Pictures
Release Date: 2003
Kiddie Movie: No.
Date Movie: No.
Gratuitous Sex: Lots of it implied.
Gratuitous Violence: Comic style.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Nah.
Memorable Scene: None.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Bo Welch

I’m not usually appalled at a movie, in fact I am one of the most easily amused moviegoers that there is, but the movie version of “Dr. Seuss’ The Cat in the Hat” just appalled me. Why? Because they took a cute and comical story and turned it into crap. What’s going to upset me more will be if this movie actually makes money. Why am I so upset? Well, maybe it’s Alec Baldwin (he plays a slime-ball man intent on sleeping with the kids mom) exclaiming to the dog “I can’t believe you whizzed on my taco!”, or maybe it was The Cat explaining to the kids when they almost take The Fish’s advice “Are you gonna listen to him? He lives where he pees!”, or maybe it was the scene where The Cat works to make the couch a little more bouncy where they show The Cat complete with butt-crack, or maybe it was The Cat describing the S.L.O.W. (his wacky car) as the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Watchamajigger, and that it was previously called the Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter, yes, the S.H.I.T., although they at least stop Conrad (Spencer Breslin) from actually saying it, or maybe it was the shameless plug for the Universal Studios ride. I can usually laugh at anything, but sadly there wasn’t anything to laugh at in this movie.
The story pretty much has Mom (Kelly Preston) as a realtor, who is hosting a party that night. Quinn (Baldwin) keeps trying to convince Mom that Conrad should be in military school every time he visits. Mom leaves the kids at home while she’s at work, instructing them not to enter the living room. The kids are babysat by Mrs. Kwan (Amy Hill). Well, it starts raining, Mrs. Kwan falls asleep, and here comes The Cat (Mike Myers), pretty much sounding and acting like Austin Powers. He begins a day of mischief, the kids learn a lesson, and all is well. All is well except the desecration of Dr. Seuss because although they sometimes have a rhyme in the movie, for some reason I’m thinking that The Cat being lactose intolerant was nowhere in Dr. Seuss’ original plan.

Alright, I’m done ranting. Based on the information above, if you want to take your kids to this movie go right ahead because that’s the kind of humor that’s in this movie. Oh yea, also be ready to explain to your kids why it’s funny for The Cat to stare lovingly and call the garden digging device a “dirty ho.” It’s -1 star out of 5 for “The Cat in the Hat.”

Beer-Snobbery, Understanding Women, Lots of Movie Talk, and Stu Likes Boobs!

By: The Dude on the Right

Download and ListenDownload the Podcast!

Stu Gotz is back! Yup, Stu Gotz is back for our “Weekend Wrap-Up!” podcast, but sadly, sound effects are not. Yup, I’ve got some technical difficulties with an upgrade of my Podcast software and bad testing on my part, but that doesn’t stop Stu and I from recollecting things that have gone on while Stu was away with the Gotz family. Stu, it seems saw a lot of movies, so I do my best to move Stu’s various synopsi along while he tells you if you should see “Black Swan,” “Tron: Legacy,” and “Gulliver’s Travels.”

Since Stu was gone, I was wondering how the Little Gotz’s fared being away for Christmas and if Santa was able to find their boat, and Stu was happy to report that the boys enjoyed Christmas, even without snow, and that Santa made it to the boat to keep the kids happy.

Me, meanwhile, being newly married, am trying to understand women, and who better to ask for advice than Stu!

We talk about “Dinner for Schmucks,” Stu hopes to convice Mama Gotz to see “The Green Hornet” with him while I have to work on convincing My BFF to come with me to “The Dilemma,” we are both looking forward to “Chuck” coming back and think the new Paula Abdul show sucks. Yes, we do talk a little about the shooting in Arizona, but that’s too serious for the two of us so I tell Stu about some bat-shit crazy women on “The Bachelor” and work to convince Stu that the Chicago Bears will be in the Super Bowl.

Stu tells of beer-snobbery, I tell of Idol-aprehensiveness, and Stu likes boobs. Yup, Stu is back.

Thanks for listening!

That’s it for this podcast! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Blood and Wine

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:40 Long
A Review by:
– Stu Gotz

Blood and Wine
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Jack Nicholson, Judy Davis, Jennifer Lopez, Stephen Dorff, Michael Caine
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Fox Searchlight
Release Date: 1996
Kiddie Movie: Much less appropriate for kids than it is for dates.
Date Movie: Save the money and take her to a Steak and Shake instead.
Gratuitous Sex: One nipple would have rated this movie an additional half star from me.
Gratuitous Violence: I had a violent attitude after seeing this movie.
Action: Fights, car chases, all with a dash of salt.
Laughs: I sat in my seat laughing about how bad the movie was.
Memorable Scene: Actually… The fact that the movie didn’t slap a happy romantic cliché ending was the only thing memorable about this movie for me.
Memorable Quote: “Baby, I’m gonna take you away from all this.” Do real people really say this while dancing the marimba in lingerie? Not in my book. But then again this movie was definitely not my type of book.
Directed By: Bob Rafelson

Have you ever made chicken soup? I’m not talking about busting out a can of Campbell’s but actually making it from scratch? The recipe for chicken soup is pretty simple and hard to mess up (although it can be done). By adding the right components, at the right time, and in the right amounts, nine times out of ten you wind up with a pretty basic soup. In time and with a little practice one can even learn how to doctor up a basic chicken soup recipe and make it into something totally kick-ass and far from basic.

Did you know that Hollywood knows the secret to kick-ass chicken soup and very often applies it to the recipe of making movies. A lot of times the creation is supreme, but other times it’s just plain old broth. Such is the case of the new Jack Nicholson and Michael Cane movie “Blood & Wine.”

This movie reminded me of my Jeep on a cold winter’s day – it just didn’t want to start. But back to the soup comparison. Like waiting for that pot of water to boil, this movie seemed to take forever to build to something exciting. After the water did get boiling the writers added some good stock in the way of bad guy characters in Alex Gates (Nicholson) and Victor Spansky (Cane). Lots of potential here. Later came a little salt which reviled the plot to a jewel heist. To spice things up a bit some salsa was added in the way of Gabriella (Jennifer Lopez – hubba-hubba, what a babe) who portrayed a Latin love interest. For good measure the writers even threw in a little sour lemon as a way to potentially spoil a perfect crime.

They followed the recipe, and even tried to add something special, so why was it that this movie was so bad? I think it’s because I’ve been fed chicken broth, stew, casserole, gumbo, and flambé all my life. I’m tired of that recipe and its deviations. What I want is something new, and this movie is not new. Actually, to be fair, the movie should actually get acclaim for being a perfect example of a “Hollywood Cook Book Movie,” but for me it was like one of those old Gum Shoe novels made for late night TV. Slow, boring, and predictable. I really don’t know whose ass I wanted to kick more after seeing the movie, Fox for releasing it or the Dude on the Right for making me pay $4.50 to go see it. I cannot recommend this movie to the everyday kind of guy, but if you’re a film student the structure will appeal to you, and if you’re a dorky Chicago film critic it will appeal to you because you’re an artsy horses ass that has lost touch with the blue collar class people like me. Sorry Jack but I can only give your movie 1 out of 5 stars. Please don’t kick my ass! Later…

Alex & Emma

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:36 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Alex & Emma
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Luke Wilson, Kate Hudson, Sophie Marceau
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Warner Bros.
Kiddie Movie: Girls might like the love story, or just won’t get it.
Date Movie: Guys, it’s only an hour and a half. Indulge her as long as she lets you see “The Hulk.”
Gratuitous Sex: One pretty serious scene, but no nudity.
Gratuitous Violence: The dudes threatening to kill Alex, but you really don’t believe them.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: A few.
Memorable Scene: None.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Rob Reiner
Produced By: Elie Samaha, Rob Reiner, Alan Greisman, Jeremy Leven, Todd Black

It’s not that I thought “Alex & Emma” sucked, it just seemed to lack a knockout punch, or at least a decent round, to get you wrapped up in the story. It’s almost too cutesy, and once again we get a romantic comedy that pretty much shows women are suckers for groveling men.

Alex (Luke Wilson) has a problem. He’s gambled away his book advance and now owes some Cubans a bunch of cash. He’s got 30 days to finish writing his book so he can get the rest of the advance money so he can pay back the Cubans and not get dead. What does Alex do? Well, he calls a company that sends out stenographers, pretends he works at a law firm, and Emma (Kate Hudson) appears on his doorstep. So here is this woman, on the doorstep of an apartment that makes some slums look like palaces, accepting a job from a guy who says he won’t be able to pay her until the end of 30 days when the book is finished. It seems he wants to dictate the book and have her type it up. Alright, so the initial premise is farfetched, but then comes the rest of the movie.

As Alex is dictating his novel, Emma is always one to chime in with her opinion. Now sometimes this opinion is alright, but mostly it just stops Alex and makes him explain approach to writing a novel. Quickly we are able to see that Alex is telling a story similar to his love life now, except set in 20’s. This is never more apparent than his continuing changing of one of the characters in his story, the au pair, from a bouncy Sweden to a bossy German to a swinging Spaniard, and finally to the sensible Anna. Pretty much the Emma is Anna.

So while Alex is dictating his story, we get movie bits of his novel starring none other than Emma as the au pair and Alex as Adam Shipley, the dude in the story who loves two women. But where is the other woman in Alex’s life? Well, low and behold she shows up to really make Alex’s novel end exactly as he wrote it, as his publisher calls it, bittersweet, because the Adam loses both women.

But can a romantic comedy end on a bittersweet note? No way in hell. As you can easily calculate, even though Emma now seems to hate Alex, well, somehow there will be a twist to get them together in the end.

The movie is totally calculated from beginning to end. We never get a sense of urgency based on Alex’s 30 days to being dead plot, pretty much all Kate Hudson is good at is smiling (but I will admit it is a beautiful smile) and acting goofy, and if you saw Luke Wilson as the movie portrays him, I doubt you would buy him as a romantic comedy writer. It is for these reasons that my only recommendation for “Alex & Emma” is to wait for it as a rental. Guys, you might have to take your lady to this in order to make up for dragging her to “The Hulk,” but be thankful it’s only about an hour and a half long. It’s okay, but in the realm of romantic comedies there is nothing in this one to really remember. 2 stars out of 5 for “Alex & Emma.”

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Air Force One

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:58 Long
A Review by:
Stu Gotz

Air Force One
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Harrison Ford, Gary Oldman, Glenn Close, Dean Stockwell
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Columbia Pictures
Kiddie Movie: Lots of violence so you might want to hire a babysitter, although the President’s twelve year old daughter seemed to handle the killings well.
Date Movie: Couple of spots she might grab your hand or jump in your lap.
Gratuitous Sex: Not at all.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots of quality kills.
Action: Yep, and suspense too.
Laughs: Some good one liners, but not rolling on the floor laughter.
Memorable Scene: The end rescue with the passengers still alive sliding….., I won’t ruin it too much.
Memorable Quote: A couple that go something like this: “The President will get his baseball glove back and play catch with his balls.” and “That pod was designed for a reason, General. He has no right to take a chance with his life.”
Directed By: Wolfgang Petersen
Produced By: Armyan Bernstein and Jon Shestack

I’ve got to say that 1997 has been a slow year for the action blockbuster. Of course there are a few exceptions like “Men In Black” (whose 90 minute or so delivery was short and to the point), “Face/Off” had a few slow, mushy moments, and “Con Air” was hokey but definitely fun! In seeing previews of “Air Force One” I had hoped this would be the defining movie of the summer. Well, I wouldn’t call it that, but it is one to see none the less.

What’s it about? The previews pretty much tell it all. AF1 gets hijacked and the President kicks some serious ass to save the day. If you’re like me you know how far fetched this scenario would be. Not so much the hijacking part, but the President as an ass kicker part I don’t buy. Think about it – I figure Bill couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag, George was an old man, Ronnie would have drooled on the hijackers, Jimmy was a lover not a fighter, Gerry’s trick knee would have given out, and Dick, hmm, well actually Dick would have found a way out because he was one slippery bastard – God bless his soul.

Anyway, I think you can see my point. But hey babe, this is the movies and movies is magic so anything can happen! With that, if you can buy the concept of shitty security on AF1 and the Pres as an ass-kicker, then I bet you’ll enjoy this movie.

President James Marshall prepares to overcome one of the Russian terrorists who have hijacked Air Force One. So what’s the good and bad of it? On the good side all the actors play their characters well. From Glenn Close as the VP Kathryn Bennett to Gary Oldman as the pretty viscous terrorist, Ivan Korshunov, all of the performances were convincing, if you could believe this sort of thing could happen to begin with. So, what else was good? The end rescue scene left an impression in my mind – totally far-fetched but great to watch on the screen none the less. The down sides of this movie? Well, simply put, the believability factor. If you’re a Doubting Thomas, nay-sayer type then don’t even spoil this movie for your friends by going to it and saying “Oh sure… That would never happen.” If I were your friend I’d kick your ass and stick it into the popcorn bucket.

Ahem… Air Force One is a suspenseful, action packed, well acted, and totally out of the realm of possibility movie that I highly recommend, give 4 out of 5 stars and I’m Stu Gotz

Aeon Flux

MPAA Rated – PG-13
It’s 1:33 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Aeon Flux Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Charlize Theron
MPAA Rated: PG-13
Released By: Paramount Pictures
Kiddie Movie: Leave them at home.
Date Movie: Leave them at home as well.
Gratuitous Sex: There is a scene and Aeon is in a bunch of skimpy and tight outfits.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots of killing, but only the PG-13 kind.
Action: Lots of running and chasing.
Laughs: Nah.
Memorable Scene: Nothing really.
Memorable Quote: None stand out.
Directed By: Karyn Kusama
Produced By: David Gale, Gregory Goodman, Gale Anne Hurd, Gary Lucchesi

The only thing I could come up with, as I sat there watching “Aeon Flux,” was that I’ll bet it looked a lot better on paper. The story was okay, Charlize Theron looked good, although I didn’t like her hair, but in the end, the movie just didn’t seem to click for me, and not having seen the animated series from which it was based, I don’t know if it was even supposed to. Anyway, here’s the basic story…

It’s 400 years from now and most of the human population was wiped out, well, about now, due to a way wicked disease. To save the world, some scientists came up with a cure, then built this walled-in city, kind of a Utopia, where all is supposedly well, although all really isn’t. Lately an underground movement has been afoot to overthrow the Goodchild family (they’re the ruling brothers, who helped develop the original vaccine). It seems the underground folk are becoming increasingly concerned that some citizens just seem to disappear, for no apparent reason, and it is time to take action. Spurring on this is Aeon’s, I believe her niece, being mistaken as a spy and killed by the government folks. Aeon now has nothing to live for but a mission, and as it turns out, her mission is to assassinate Trevor Goodchild (Marton Csokas), one of the ruling brothers. She’s ready to do the deed, but then starts finding out certain things, and suddenly she finds him more important to keep alive, and he quickly realizes that you can’t always trust your siblings.

As the story plays out, and I won’t ruin the “surprise” that explains the Utopian world, Aeon is now on the good side of Trevor, they have to escape, then get back in, she has to jump on an airship which holds all of the secrets of the world, and Sithandra (Sophie Okonedo), a dudette with hands for feet, goes from being Aeon’s ally, to Aeon’s nemesis, and back to Aeon’s ally, thanks to some weird telepathic powers that the underground warriors have developed.

So, what did I find wrong with the movie? I don’t know, maybe it was because Aeon was just too cold of a character. Her only emotion was really one of gloom, even in times of discovery, and her narration just proved droning. The action sequences were alright, but I suppose the other issue I had with the movie was that I wish movie folks would quit doing the “We shoot and kill lots of people yet since we don’t actually show them getting shot and killed and don’t show blood, well, we can still get the PG-13 rating to get the kids” thing and just make the movie an R movie. Aeon had skimpy outfits, but pretty much screamed to run around naked a couple of time, they could have had better quality kills by being R, and could have used dialogue that might be more appropriate, although maybe vulgarities don’t exist in a Utopian society. That, or maybe they should have really done this movie as an animated movie rather than live action, and just kept it true to the original roots of the movie.

“Aeon Flux” wasn’t horrible, but it seemed more like two hours rather than the hour and a half running time it actually had. It’s 2 stars out of 5 for “Aeon Flux.” Would have been better rated R.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!