VANish

MPAA Rated – Not rated.
It’s 1:19 Long
A Review by:
Andy Labis

VANish
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Maiara Walsh, Danny Trejo, Tony Todd, Austin Abke, Bryan Bockbrader, Adam Guthrie
MPAA Rated: Not Rated.
Released By: Dark Sky Films
Release Date: February 24, 2015
Kiddie Movie: Send them to bed. Lots of blod!
Date Movie: If she likes blood-splattering thrillers.
Gratuitous Sex: There is an attempted rape in the van, though it doesn’t turn out too well for the dude.
Gratuitous Violence: Headshots, shotgun blasts, machetes, and a handy little cutting saw help with the blood splatter.
Action: Not really much action.
Laughs: Some chuckles.
Memorable Scene: Emma kicking the crap out of Shane.
Memorable Quote: “What kind of amateur bullshit is this?”
Directed By: Bryan Bockbrader
Extras on the Blu-Ray: The bloopers were decent enough, and I actually liked seeing the alternate endings.

The press release said: “three thugs viciously kidnap a drug cartel boss’ only daughter from her home in broad daylight.” With that I was a little confused at the opening scene of VANish as a dude and his lover were being abducted at night, in the California hills. Now let’s cut to the next scene of two dudes in a van, talking calmly amongst each other as dudes will talk, and I’m wondering where is the third dude? Is this the van? And what happened to those people in the first scene?

Little did I know the importance of the first abduction to the plot of the movie, to be explained during a later scene, and now I was being fully introduced to possibly the dumbest trio of kidnappers that there have ever been in a movie. That’s okay, though, because the trio of dopes really made VANish an entertaining film in the realm of blood-splattering thrillers.

Continue reading VANish

The Final Member

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:12 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

The Final Member
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Sigurður “Siggi” Hjartarson, Pall Arason, Tom Mitchell
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Drafthouse Films / Cinedigm
Released On: June 17, 2014
Kiddie Movie: They might giggle a lot, but you might want to put them to bed.
Date Movie: I was a little worried when my wife said “I wonder what his penis looks like?”
Gratuitous Sex: Some talk of womanizing.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Only like most people would laugh at penis stuff.
Memorable Scene: The ending scene was awesome, but there were two scenes I won’t mention that were hilarious and might make you cringe if you a man.
Memorable Quote: “He has this great specimen, Elmo.”
Directed By: Jonah Bekhor and Zach Math

Who knew it was so difficult to get a penis donor? That, in essence, is the underlying theme of “The Final Member,” one of the most riveting and at times hilarious documentaries that will make most men cross their legs and give that “protect my junk” gesture with their hands, while women, or at least my woman, will watch in utter amazement at the quest for a penis specimen.

Sigurður “Siggi” Hjartarson is the founder and curator of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, a museum that was started pretty much to save his marriage as Siggi’s fascination and collecting of any penis he could find was driving his wife crazy and over-running the space in their house. Over the 40 years he has collected many a penis, from the teeny, tiny hamster dink to the giant, sperm whale johnson. He also is into wood-carving, carvings, of course, of penises, with clocks, utensils, and a variety of items any man would be proud to display in his man cave. All of this is great and swell, but what his museum was missing is the most treasured of specimens, the homo sapiens.

During “The Final Member” we follow Siggi’s quest for the piece that will make his museum and in fact, his life, complete. You see, Siggi is getting up in his years, and as a man who is proud of his museum he knows that without the human penis it’s just a collection of stuff. Low and behold enter two people, Pall Arason and Tom Mitchell. Pall is an elderly gentleman, an Icelandic legend not only for his adventurous nature, but also for his womanizing. Pall has decided that upon his death he would like to donate his penis to the museum, and Siggi is thrilled because what would be a better way to “complete” the collection than with an Icelandic legend. There is also Tom, however, who states “I felt ever since I was a kid that when the time came I didn’t want my penis to go to waste when I died.”, and has named his penis “Elmo.” He decides, though, that he would like to donate his penis while he is still alive, a fact that makes Siggi curious but also excited because he won’t have to wait for Pall to kick the bucket. Tom, however, is a weird dude, and if you think Siggi is obsessed with the penis, that’s nothing compared to Tom who has come up with how he wants his penis preserved, displayed, and even Siggi says of Tom, “This is a funny guy.”

Sure this is a little bit of a spoiler alert, but the movie does end with Siggi getting “The Final Member,” and the ending triumph scene is awesome. I was so happy for him at the end I almost got a little weepy. I will, however, not spoil two of the best scenes in the movie only to say that yes, they do involve the penises of Pall and Tom.

A lot of documentaries can be boring, drag on, and get preachy, but I was happy to find “The Final Member” a fascinating look at man’s obsession with his penis, blending the oddly serious nature of Siggi’s quest to complete his collection with a mix of humor that, well, goes along the line of how people generally find talking about the penis funny. It’s 5 stars out of 5 for “The Final Member.” Women will just shake their heads watching and wondering why men can be so obsessed with it, while the men will fully understand and maybe pull out the ruler to see if their penis is of legal length.

A great movie, and I now have a new vacation destination, the Icelandic Phallological Museum. The trick, now, will be convincing my wife we should go to Iceland.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!

Curse of Chucky

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:35 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Curse of Chucky
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Fiona Dourif, Brad Dourif, Brennan Elliott, Maitland McConnell, Summer Howell
MPAA Rated: R / Unrated
Released By: Unviersal 1440 Entertainment
Blu-ray Release Date: October 8, 2013
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want them afraid of every doll.
Date Movie: If she likes the horror!
Gratuitous Sex: Some girl-on-girl action, but no nudity.
Gratuitous Violence: Umm, duh.
Action: Some chasing.
Laughs: Achuckle in a horror-movie type.
Memorable Scene: I loved the death scene with the priest.
Memorable Quote: “Yea, the eighties were awesome.”
Directed By: Don Mancini
Cool things about the Blu-ray: The “Voodoo Doll: The Chucky Legacy” and “Living Doll” Bringing Chucky to Life” featurettes are great.

He is the doll that won’t die. Yes, Chucky has been terrorizing people for 25 years now, has seen many iterations since the original “Child’s Play” movie, has sometimes been horror and sometimes horredy, but for “Curse of Chucky” the evil doll is back in all of his evilness, the franchise is back into horror mode, and dammit, I enjoyed it in all its Blu-ray glory.

The story is basically the same, this time starting with the arrival of a delivery at an old house where Nica (Fiona Dourif), she being in a wheelchair, lives with her mom. Yup, it’s a creepy-looking doll, and neither of them think anything of it, and then mom ends up dead. Sure, I could have yelled “SPOILER ALERT,” but really, it’s a Chucky movie, so do I really need to warn you about people ending up dead?

In any case, with mom’s death here comes the rest of the family to support Nica, and convince her she needs to move out of the house. Of course there is a little girl involved who doesn’t find the Chucky doll creepy, of course more people start dying, of course it’s a stormy night, sadly there’s not the obligatory nudity but there is some girl-on-girl action and underwear, of course Nica eventually finds out that it is the Chucky doll doing the killing, and yes, the movie finishes where the franchise can easily continue should they want to keep horror, and the doll, alive.

Is the acting Oscar-worthy? Please, it’s a Chucky movie, although actually everyone does a great job as either the clueless-dude roll (Brennan Elliott as Ian), bimbo roll (Maitland McConnell as Jill), little kid roll (Summer Howell as Alice), and evil (Brad Dourif as Charles Lee Ray and the Voice of Chucky). Something else that is nice is that with the movie being the Chucky franchise, there is actually some money spent on effects, the movie visually looks great, and not a cheap, horror film, and we get some well-done horror music. Then there is Chucky himself, who has come a long way in terms of realism, well, for as real as a doll should act, since the initial “Child’s Play” film as yes, the animatronics are pretty impressive as Chucky just looks a lot meaner rather than cartoon-like Chucky you might remember.

Forget Chucky getting in on with another doll, forget tons of cheesiness, and relish in horror goodness that treats the franchise with the respect a scarred-up, 25 year-old doll deserves. “Curse of Chucky” is horror goodness, there’s a nice surprise at the end, and it’s 4 stars out of 5. Had the girl-on-girl action involved a nip-slip or at least some side-boobage I could have easily seen me getting to 4 ½ or 5 star horrorness, but alas, I’m leaving it at 4.

The Blu-ray combo pack gives fans of Chucky a great look at the history of the franchise with “Voodoo Doll: The Chucky Legacy,” and if you want to know how Chucky looks so awesome, check out the “Living Doll: Bringing Chucky to Life” featurette. The gag reel is a throw-away as far as I’m concerned, but all in all, a decent Blu-ray set of features.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!

Gimme the Loot

MPAA Rated – Not Rated
It’s 1:29 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Gimme the Loot
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ty Hickson, Tashiana Washington
MPAA Rated: Not Rated
Released By: IFC Films
Released on: September 17, 2013
Kiddie Movie: Unless you want them to be foul-mothed graffiti artists.
Date Movie: If she likes a well-done movie.
Gratuitous Sex: It’s got some hanky-panky.
Gratuitous Violence: Nothing horrible.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Lots.
Memorable Scene: Trying to break into the rich girl’s apartment.
Memorable Quote: “I got stickage!”
Directed By: Adam Leon
Cool Things About the Blu-ray: The “All City Hour” is fun, and its got the commentary and deleted scene stuff, too.

Sometimes a movie surprises you. Sometimes that surprise is bad, sometimes that surprise is good, and sometimes that surprise is great. “Gimme the Loot” is a movie that was a great surprise.

Sure, that opening paragraph should be enough to get you to go and get the movie, or at least download it, but I’ll give you some story stuff to help you along.

If you see a synopsis about a couple of kids in the inner city who like to spray graffiti you might shy away thinking this is going to be either a do-gooder kind of film, how kids find out they can be more than graffiti taggers, or you might think the movie is a sad look at the inner city, with gang shootings and danger. “Gimme the Loot” isn’t either, but a great story about Malcolm (Ty Hickson) and Sofia (Tashiana Washington), two friends who live in the Bronz and happen to be graffiti taggers. When their latest creation gets painted over by a rival gang, the duo decides that the tagging war is too back and forth for them, and that they need to hit the ultimate goal for taggers in New York City, tagging the New York Mets home run apple.  The good news: They have a connection to let them sneak into the stadium. The bad news: They need $500 in two days to pay him to let them in.

So our couple is now on a quest to scrape up $500, and how do you try to make money in the inner city? Well, you try to sell a cell phone you took from the kid who took your bike, you sell some dope to the rich girls, and you, well, you also see a necklace at the rich girl’s apartment and decide it might be easy to steal.  With that we get Malcolm working the selling drugs side through some stoners, and we get Sofia doing her best to help out with the stealing a necklace heist, and through it all we get to wonder if maybe Malcolm and Sofia can actually pull this off, if they actually have a thing for each other, and if their life will be better by becoming famous.

The thing with “Gimme the Loot” is that, and I don’t know how accurate it is, but it really is just trying to show two kids living in the inner city, during a couple of atypical kind of days for them, complete with some rival tagging-gang interaction, some punks in the neighborhood, some people who are always a little more “trouble” than they are, although they need their help, and some hanky-panky.

The language in this movie is real, so be ready for a lot of f-bombs, and there’s a slight “beating up” part, but for the most part this movie nicely shows the weird world of tagging, surviving, scraping, and trying to be famous, and maybe even some love. The kids actually have a nice heart, though their circumstances put them in some bad situations, and the writing in the movie is also witty at times, with the kind of straight talk you would expect from any batch of teens, like “You’re fucking breath smells like ass, so get out of my face,” and “I got stickage!”

Look, just get this movie and be pleasantly surprised. It’s not gut-busting laughter for the most part, but for a well done, entertaining comedy with two characters you can’t help but like, “Gimme the Loot” is a 4 ½ star out of 5 film.

As far as the Blu-ray, the “All City Hour” featurette is great, and you get some of the other normal things like commentary and deleted scenes, but really, the movie is the gem here.

Java Heat

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:44 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Java Heat
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Kellen Lutz, Mickey Rourke, Ario Bayu
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: IFC Films / MPI Media Group
Blu-ray Release: September 17, 2013
Kiddie Movie: Nope. It’s got killing and blowing stuff up.
Date Movie: Nah. Unless she finds Kellen Lutz dreamy.
Gratuitous Sex: A scene where Jake picks up a lady of the evening.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots of shooting and blowing stuff up.
Action: See “Violence.”
Laughs: Nah.
Memorable Scene: Nothing really.
Memorable Quote: Hashim to Jake: “You were given two eyes and one mouth. What did you see?”
Directed By: Connor Allyn
Cool things about the Blu-ray: It’s got a nice “Making of…” featurette where we learn of Kellen’s future acting plans.

You know what makes me sad? No? I’ll tell you. A movie that has a lot of potential and a pretty decent story, only to be pulled down by a lead actor that isn’t lead actor qualified yet, and a lazy plot development that takes away from the entertaining plot/action that preceded it. “Java Heat” made me sad. And yes, there might be a spoiler in this review.

Here’s the thing, “Java Heat” isn’t a bad movie, and it tries really hard. The story is pretty safe, basically about an FBI/marine dude who is hot on the trail of an international terrorist/thief guy, and finds himself in Indonesia at the latest bombing which turns out to be an attempt to get some crown jewels. He becomes intertwined with the Indonesian police in some weird world of “We hate Muslims/We hate Americans/We hate anyone who doesn’t like our General” world, and it’s supposed to be an action-packed thriller on the way to catch the bad guy. Sounds nice enough. Just as things are heating up, and the intrigue grows, guess what? Now let’s throw in a kidnapping involving the Indonesian police dude’s family, so now it’s personal. Why? Why go with this lazy plot-line? Why not ratchet up the action? Why not throw in some double-cross? Blah!

In the not-ready-for-prime-time-role as leading action man we get Kellen Lutz as Jake, yes, Kellen of “Twilight” fame, and although he has the looks of a potential action guy, his acting seems stuck in Twilight. Then there is Mickey Rourke, fresh from awesomeness in “The Wrestler” and even being a kick-ass bad guy in “Iron Man 2,” and here he is in a role with a bad accent, in what almost seems like a toss-off role with a bad guy who doesn’t seem that sinister. Then there is the fact that as a Marine/Spy/FBI guy, Jake is an idiot. He doesn’t seem to know his room is bugged, he gets himself drugged, and he doesn’t realize they have internet in Indonesia. What kind of spy-guy is this?

I did, however, like Ario Bayu in the role of Lieutenant Hashim, well, at least he until he was relegated to “saving my family,” but without him to hold this movie together, I would have been tossing and turning at night to go with only one or maybe two stars.

It’s got some decent action, though I suppose budget constraints kept things a little tamer than they could have been, and for an evening of watching something because you’ve seen most of the other movies, “Java Heat” isn’t bad. I’ll split this right in the middle and give the attempt at a decent action thriller 2 ½ stars out of 5. A better actor for the lead, maybe a better budget, and I could have gone a little higher, but there was too much bad for Ario Bayu to bring up that much much.

As far as the Blu-ray, it’s got the “Making of…” featurette where we learn Kellen has hopes of being the next, big action franchise star. I don’t think this movie helps him on his quest, however, that and the fact that his acting in this movie is stiff. He almost needed to quit trying so hard and have a little fun. And not let his character be so stupid.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Frankenstein’s Army

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:24 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Frankenstein’s Army
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Karel Roden, Joshua Sasse, Robert Gwilym, Alexander Mercury
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Dark Sky Films / MPI Media Group
Blu-ray Release Date: September 10, 2013
Kiddie Movie: It’s got a lot of gore. Best send them to bed without the pending nightmares.
Date Movie: Only if she is a fan of campy horror films.
Gratuitous Sex: Nah.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots of blood and cutting of human skulls.
Action: The zombots are pretty slow. Nah.
Laughs: It’s got some “over-the-top” chuckles in the horror kind of way.
Memorable Scene: I loved Propellerhead.
Memorable Quote: Nothing stood out.
Directed By: Richard Raaphorst
On the Blu-ray: It’s got a “Making of…” featurette, and quick clips of the zombots so you don’t have to re-find them on the Blu-ray.

Remember the movie “Edward Scissorhands?” You know the movie, with Johnny Depp playing Edward, and he has scissors for hands. Remember how Edward was nice, tried to be good, and all-around tried to help people? Remember how you secretly thought, “I wish Edward was a bad-ass, and would go around killing people with those hands!” Okay, maybe you didn’t wish that, but all I could think about during “Frankenstein’s Army” was that this movie has taken the concept of “scissors as hands” to an entirely new level.

It’s the end of World War II and a group of Russian solders are making their way through Germany when they stumble upon a decimated village. In their investigating further they begin to come across monsters, “zombots” as it would be, looking part human with industrial objects for body parts, i.e. drills, machetes, propellers, and just, well, the most bizarre killing machines one can imagine.

Further stumbling by our “documentarian” (the movie is shot as a “found footage” film) leads us to the lab of Viktor, who, it seems, has come across Dr. Victor Frankenstein’s journals, has found out how to meld soldiers with machines, and has been ordered by Hitler to make an army of killing zombots. We learn how Viktor does it (turns out you don’t really need to be delicate for brain surgery after all), and all along the way gruesomeness is encountered as the zombots are made for one thing, and one thing only, and that’s for killing, well, all except the cute, little one with a teddy bear attached to a woman’s head, a.k.a., Teddy Bear Woman.

Here’s the thing. I loved the concept of the movie, the campiness of the idea, and the potential for gruesome fighting scenes, but somewhere things seemed to get sidetracked. First there is the fact that the setup in getting to the actual zombots seems to take forever, which isn’t good for a movie that’s only 84 minutes long. There’s a lot of the soldiers trudging through the countryside, finding the village, and finally getting to the decimation of the soldiers. Also, and maybe it’s because I’m not a fan of “found footage” kinds of films, you know, those movies like “The Blair Witch Project” where someone finds a movie camera with footage of something bad that happens, but the jittery nature of the movie really annoyed me, and I also felt the movie could have benefitted so much more from a real camera shoot, allowing us to get a true “picture” of the twisted nature of the army of killing zombots. Lastly, and I know this is just a weird technicality on my part, but it seemed like the soldiers sure seemed to have an endless supply of bullets as they were trying to kill the zombots, especially with this being World War II weaponry.

The thing that saved the movie, though, is the utter campiness of the film, with the zombots being awesome, and me just wishing there were more of them, or maybe a scene out in the open with a squadron of these killing “machines” wiping out a squadron of lowly troops, but alas, most of the fun of the movie takes place in the dungeons and labs of Viktor.

For me if they lost the “found footage” concept, and had a full-on battle, this could have been an easy 5 star movie, but in the end I was nearly bored for the first third, and wishing for more for the rest of the film. I would leave the movie at around 2 stars, but the zombots are worth about a star and a half so I’ll end up at 3 ½ stars. I guess I just finished the movie wanting more.

The Blu-ray has a “Making of…” feature, which is nice and all but would mostly be for the uber-fan, and I was disappointed in the “Creature Spots” feature which was just short clips from the actual film of some of the creatures, i.e., Propellerhead and Teddy Bear Woman, and no real insight into the creatures or design of them. I’m sure there were some budgetary constraints, but maybe a little more than just a quick film clip of the zombot would have been nice.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

To The Wonder

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:53 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

To The Wonder
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Ben Afleck, Olga Kurylenko, Rachel McAdams, Javier Bardem
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Magnolia Home Entertainment
Release Date: August 6, 2013
Kiddie Movie: They’d be bored. Send them to bed.
Date Movie: They’d also be bored. Send them to bed.
Gratuitous Sex: It’s got some.
Gratuitous Violence: Neil and Marina get in some fights.
Action: Nope.
Laughs: Nope.
Memorable Scene: Only memorable because there was so much of it: The frolicking.
Memorable Quote: None.
Directed By: Terrence Malick
On the Blu-Ray: You get some “Making of…”, Actors stuff, dancing stuff, and some other extras.

As I was watching “To The Wonder,” all I could keep thinking was that had Neil (Ben Affleck) just bought some furniture for his house, maybe he wouldn’t have had all of the problems with his new love, Marina (Olga Kurylenko). Okay, I was also trying to think of something nice to say about the film.

I guess I’ll start with the story…

For “To The Wonder” we get Neil. He’s in France and meets a beautiful woman, Marina, and her daughter. They fall in love, and what does Marina do? Of course she pulls up stakes and moves to Oklahoma. Yes, the wonders of Paris to Oklahoma. Does anyone actually think the couple would have a chance at succeeding? As the movie plays out we get to see a happy couple, a couple who isn’t so happy, a happy couple, a couple who isn’t so happy, a dude going to work and testing soil or something, a couple who isn’t so happy, and a priest who seems confused. Oh, yea, did I mention there is also a priest, Father Quintana (Javier Bardem), who seems to have lost his faith and is somehow part of the movie, but doesn’t seem to play that big a role?

Yes, the movie is about love and all of its factors, but it’s also a movie that seems to show there is no chance at love, at least for the two main characters, and it’s an artsy film about love, with a lot of Marina frolicking through the fields of Oklahoma, a lot of Marina dancing around in ballet moves, even Rachel McAdams as Jane, Neil’s old girlfriend, coming into the picture and she’s spinning and frolicking. All along it also seems like a great role for Ben Affleck as he seemed to have relatively few lines to learn with most of the commentary by Marina in French (Yup, that means you’ll also spend a lot of the movie reading it), as well as Father Quintana commentarying in Spanish (again, more reading for you, the viewer).

Yes, there are people who will like this movie, just not me, and definitely not my wife as, when it ended, she pretty much wanted to give it zero stars for wasting her time. Me, I’m not so critical, seeing some of the artsy ways the movie was working, but even for me, and I can normally try to appreciate an art-house type of film, even this one had me saying things like “Again with the dancing,” and while looking at the interior of Neil’s place wondering why he just doesn’t let Marina do some shopping for some furniture. There are other, better movies about love, I would give this one about 2 stars, but I’ll average things with my wife and end up with 1 star out of 5 for “To The Wonder.” I guess the key if you will like the movie is knowing what to expect, so if you expect frolicking, talking, and reading (unless you understand French and Spanish), you might like it, but for most everyone else you might just wonder how Ben Affleck became involved.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

Hatchet III

MPAA Rated – Unrated
It’s 1:21 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

Hatchet III
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Kane Hodder, Danielle Harris, Zach Galligan, Caroline Williams
MPAA Rated: Not rated.
Released By: Dark Sky Films
Blu-Ray Release Date: August 13, 2013
Kiddie Movie: Only if you want to turn them into a psycho killer, or a horror film director.
Date Movie: If she’s a fan of over-the-top gore.
Gratuitous Sex: Sadly, no.
Gratuitous Violence: Lots and lots.
Action: There is a little chasing, but not that much.
Laughs: In the over-the-top horror vein.
Memorable Scene: I don’t know why, but I loved the rocket launcher scene.
Memorable Quote: “And that’s the only reason those aren’t my balls hanging from that tree!”
Directed By: BJ McDonnell
Cool Things About the Blu-ray: The extras are actually well-done. Not too long, and pretty interesting to see how some of the things are done.

“And eventually the hatcheting starts and Victor Crowley stomps on a head.”

I scribbled that in my notes after I became a little worried watching “Hatchet III.” Fine, there was the opening scene with Victor Crowley and Marybeth, and sure, there was Marybeth, covered in blood at the police station, but for a brief moment I was worried that the folks making “Hatchet III” failed to read the title of their own movie. Low and behold, my worry ceased, any disappointment was gone, and Victor Crowley was back to his good ol’ self, hatcheting away, and we had a wonderfully bloody end to a trilogy of gory goodness.

I’d say the story for “Hatchet III” doesn’t really matter, but for this movie it sort of does as it’s not just a gore-fest, but actually does a nice job in giving the final answers as to why Victor Crowley can’t be killed by normal means, why he can be cut in half and still come back to massacre (And if you think I’m giving anything away, oh, please!), and what needs to be done to finally put him to rest. The story revolves around Marybeth (Danielle Harris), hell-bent on killing Victor (Kane Hodder), and how she seems to do the job, finds herself happily locked up on jail for doing so, and Sheriff Fowler (Zach Galligan – Yes, that Zach Galligan from “Gremlins”) and his boys investigating the bloodbath Marybeth told them about. Low and behold Amanda (Caroline Williams) enters the picture explaining to a deputy and Marybeth that Victor isn’t really dead, and when the screams start coming over the radio it’s off to the person holding the key to getting rid of Victor.

In the meantime, well, the SWAT team and the sheriff’s crew are stuck in the swamp with Victor, and of course things don’t go so well. We find that Victor has a thing for testicles, we find that it really isn’t that easy to aim a rocket launcher, and when our heroine finally shows back up, if she would have just listened to the crotchety lady she could have save a couple of lives, especially after a tender, touching moment towards the end of the film between Amanda and Victor.

The one thing really missing from “Hatchet III,” especially in the realm of the horror genre, was blatant nudity, and I was even watching the “uncut and unrated” version. The gore was top-notch, the story told enough without boring you too, and the people are generally stupid. Heck, I even really liked the “Hatchet III: Behind the Scenes,” and I rarely like extras on Blu-ray. But the lack of gratuitous sex and/or nudity, that hurt the movie for me, especially when, for the original “Hatchet,” on the extras, Adam Green, the writer for the “Hatchet” trilogy, says “If I’m not going to see some nudity and some gore, don’t waste my time.” I know Adam didn’t direct this one, but I’m sorry, Marybeth getting hosed down in the slammer didn’t cut it.

You will get most of what you would expect for a movie called “Hatchet III,” especially as a viewer of the previous two, but in terms of homage to the great films, the lack of boobs was bad, and I sadly have to drop my rating a star. I was heading to a 4 star review, but I’ve got to stick with some rating morals and drop “Hatchet III” to a 3 star out of 5 movie. The gratuitous violence just wasn’t enough to overcome the lack of gratuitous nudity.

The extras on the Blu-ray will probably be fun for the fans. Like I said, I did enjoy the “Hatchet III: Behind the Scenes,” and the “Raising Kane” feature was nice. Yes, you get some commentary stuff, too, for those so inclined.

I good gore-fest, but I’m still wondering if the nudity ended up on the cutting room floor.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!