Catfight


Rated: Not Rated | Running Time: 95 Minutes
From: Dark Sky Films
Available on Blu-ray and DVD:  April 25, 2017
Get it via : Amazon | iTunes

Sandra Oh and Anne Heche in CatfightYou’d like to release some pent-up anger sometimes, wouldn’t you? I mean, we go through our lives, day to day, holding back from completely blasting someone who annoys us because, well, we probably suck at fighting, don’t want to end up in jail, and in the end it isn’t a nice thing to do. But come on, there are times when in your head you want to completely beat the crap out of someone, and probably would, if it weren’t for the “ending up in jail” thing.

Lucky for Ashley and Veronica jail really isn’t a part of their anger release.

The movie is “Catfight,” and hand-to-hand beating the crap out of each other is the norm for our heroines.

Let’s get to the story… Continue reading Catfight

Assassin’s Creed


Rated: PG-13 | Running Time: 115 Minutes
From: Twentieth Century Fox Home Entertainment
Available on Digital HD: March 10, 2017
Available on 4k Ultra HD, Blu-ray, DVD: March 21, 2017
Get it via : Amazon | iTunes

Michael Fassbender is Callum in Assassin's CreedSo close, yet so far. The movie is “Assassin’s Creed,” and after I got past the fact the Assassins were protecting an Apple I was enjoying the film.

Then came the ending. Really? That’s what you leave me with, a bunch of wussy Templars?

I suppose let’s get to the good stuff of the movie…

The underlying premise of “Assassin’s Creed” is that that Assassins take an oath. This oath is to protect the Apple of Eden from the Knights of the Templar order. The Templar folks will stop at nothing to get the Apple. What is it with the Apple? Continue reading Assassin’s Creed

Elle


Rated: R | Running Time: 130 Minutes
From: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Available on Blu-ray, DVD, and Digital:  March 14, 2017
Get it via : Amazon | iTunes

Isabelle Huppert is Michele in ElleWow, that was a rough movie to watch. Great, but rough.

The movie is “Elle,” it’s directed by Paul Verhoeven, and it stars Isabelle Huppert as Michèle. It starts with the rape of Michèle, and it’s graphic. Then she gets raped again, and it’s still graphic. And there are flashbacks, and they are graphic. Yes, this movie is a hard “R,” and yet the movie is still a really great movie.

I figured I would get that out of the way at the start as that may stop those who are offended, or have no interest in watching any scenes such as that. Yes, the movie at its core is supposed to be about a woman who doesn’t want to be a victim, a woman who is empowered, but wow, it’s a rough watch. It’s also in French with subtitles so if you don’t want to “read” a movie because you don’t know French, heck, that might also be a turn-off. Still, it’s a great movie.

Let’s get to the story… Continue reading Elle

Cross Wars


Rated: R | Running Time: 98 Minutes
From: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Available on Blu-ray, DVD & Digital:  February 7, 2017
Get it via : Amazon | iTunes

Cross Wars ReviewFirst I have to assume the film people involved with “Cross Wars” were going for a B-Movie feel, which is fine. I generally like B-Movies and can usually enjoy the campiness of them. Sadly this movie didn’t make the grade of B.

In doing a little reading I found that “Cross Wars” is the sequel to “Cross,” a film trying to be in the “out of the comic book and on to your big screen” kind of movie. The basic rundown is that Callan Cross (Brian Austin Green) is handed down this Celtic cross amulet that has powers, and Callan is now kind of a superhero. He rounds up a team of folks to save the world from bad people.

Continue reading Cross Wars

Call of the Wolf


Rated: Unrated | Running Time: 102 Minutes
From: Gravitas Pictures
Available:  February 7, 2017
Get it via : Amazon | iTunes

Call of the WolfLet me start with this: Some of the publicity is comparing “Call of the Wolf” to the horror classic “Saw,” and I wish they wouldn’t. Why? My wife likes a decent, psychological thriller as much as the next person, but when it comes to gore my wife hates it. She was immediately out of my living room screening of “Call of the Wolf” based on the preliminary “Revenant meets Saw” indication. Part of me, also, was waiting for the gore, but it never really came. The movie is a psychological thriller, true, and with that comes some violence, but none of it is the sadistic insanity that was “Saw.”

Okay, enough initial ranting, let’s get to the story…

Lester (Aleksander Ristic) wakes up in a cabin in the woods, confused. His supplies are limited, basically a rifle, some bullets, a Marine survival manual, a lantern, a walkie talkie, and whatever might be in a locked safe. It is through the walkie talkie that Lester is introduced to Wolf (Matthew Oliva), the dude who kidnapped Lester and left him in the cabin.

And the psychological messing with Lester begins, starting with Wolf telling Lester he was kidnapped because he has wasted his life.

Continue reading Call of the Wolf

Inferno


Rated: PG-13 | Running Time: 122 Minutes
From: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Available on 4K UHD, Blu-ray & DVD:  January 24, 2017
Get it via : Amazon | iTunes

InfernoThere are a lot of “Why?”’s in “Inferno.” Sure, you could ask: Why can’t the people with a whole lot of technology, including a drone, catch two people running on foot? Or you could ask: Why are the dudes with the guns in this cavern no where near the action? However, there are no more important wonderings than “Why are there so many chases?” and “Why did they have such a convoluted ending?”

The movie is “Inferno,” the third following “The Da Vinci Code” and “Angels & Demons,” and for me the movie folks seemed to forget that the clues were the fun to this franchise, not the chases.

Continue reading Inferno

The Dressmaker


Rated: R | Running Time: 119 Minutes
From: Broad Green Pictures
Available on Blu-ray, DVD, Digital HD, and VOD:  December 27, 2016
Get it via : Amazon | iTunes

The DressmakerIn terms of some extra weirdness, “The Dressmaker” is right up there with the best of them, especially in the dark comedy genre. I mean, eventually most of the townsfolk women are walking around dressed in “designer” dresses, which wouldn’t seem that odd except it’s the 1950’s in a dirt-road, little town in Australia. Then there is the town Sergeant (Hugo Weaving), traipsing around in all of the flashiness of a matador at a bull fight. Clothes, however, aren’t really what brings Tilly (Kate Winslet in all of her sassiness) back to her hometown. Nope, she has to find out the truth about her past, a past that tarnished her reputation and left her as the town pariah.

As it is Tilly returns to town with a flash, at the rugby game, dressed to the nines which thoroughly distracts the rugby dudes. Enter Teddy (Liam Hemsworth), one of the team members, who tells Tilly she is distracting everyone causing Tilly to change outfits to something even more distracting.

Continue reading The Dressmaker

Late Phases: Night of the Lone Wolf

 

MPAA Rated – Not Rated
It’s 1:36 Long
A Review by:
Andy Labis

The more I think about it, the more perfect “Late Phases: Night of the Lone Wolf” was, especially in the realm of the old-school, and I mean this with all due respect, cheesy, werewolf movie. First there is the title, or at least the “Night of the Lone Wolf” part. Sure there’s the solo werewolf at the start, but by the end there are multiple wolves. Maybe I’m misunderstanding the title and our hero is the lone wolf, but I just couldn’t get past the fact that our main werewolf all of a sudden decided to go on a biting spree and instantly we have a pack of werewolves.

Continue reading Late Phases: Night of the Lone Wolf

VANish

MPAA Rated – Not rated.
It’s 1:19 Long
A Review by:
Andy Labis

VANish
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Maiara Walsh, Danny Trejo, Tony Todd, Austin Abke, Bryan Bockbrader, Adam Guthrie
MPAA Rated: Not Rated.
Released By: Dark Sky Films
Release Date: February 24, 2015
Kiddie Movie: Send them to bed. Lots of blod!
Date Movie: If she likes blood-splattering thrillers.
Gratuitous Sex: There is an attempted rape in the van, though it doesn’t turn out too well for the dude.
Gratuitous Violence: Headshots, shotgun blasts, machetes, and a handy little cutting saw help with the blood splatter.
Action: Not really much action.
Laughs: Some chuckles.
Memorable Scene: Emma kicking the crap out of Shane.
Memorable Quote: “What kind of amateur bullshit is this?”
Directed By: Bryan Bockbrader
Extras on the Blu-Ray: The bloopers were decent enough, and I actually liked seeing the alternate endings.

The press release said: “three thugs viciously kidnap a drug cartel boss’ only daughter from her home in broad daylight.” With that I was a little confused at the opening scene of VANish as a dude and his lover were being abducted at night, in the California hills. Now let’s cut to the next scene of two dudes in a van, talking calmly amongst each other as dudes will talk, and I’m wondering where is the third dude? Is this the van? And what happened to those people in the first scene?

Little did I know the importance of the first abduction to the plot of the movie, to be explained during a later scene, and now I was being fully introduced to possibly the dumbest trio of kidnappers that there have ever been in a movie. That’s okay, though, because the trio of dopes really made VANish an entertaining film in the realm of blood-splattering thrillers.

Continue reading VANish

The Final Member

MPAA Rated – R
It’s 1:12 Long
A Review by:
The Dude on the Right

The Final Member
Movie Stats & Links
Starring: Sigurður “Siggi” Hjartarson, Pall Arason, Tom Mitchell
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Drafthouse Films / Cinedigm
Released On: June 17, 2014
Kiddie Movie: They might giggle a lot, but you might want to put them to bed.
Date Movie: I was a little worried when my wife said “I wonder what his penis looks like?”
Gratuitous Sex: Some talk of womanizing.
Gratuitous Violence: Nah.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: Only like most people would laugh at penis stuff.
Memorable Scene: The ending scene was awesome, but there were two scenes I won’t mention that were hilarious and might make you cringe if you a man.
Memorable Quote: “He has this great specimen, Elmo.”
Directed By: Jonah Bekhor and Zach Math

Who knew it was so difficult to get a penis donor? That, in essence, is the underlying theme of “The Final Member,” one of the most riveting and at times hilarious documentaries that will make most men cross their legs and give that “protect my junk” gesture with their hands, while women, or at least my woman, will watch in utter amazement at the quest for a penis specimen.

Sigurður “Siggi” Hjartarson is the founder and curator of the Icelandic Phallological Museum, a museum that was started pretty much to save his marriage as Siggi’s fascination and collecting of any penis he could find was driving his wife crazy and over-running the space in their house. Over the 40 years he has collected many a penis, from the teeny, tiny hamster dink to the giant, sperm whale johnson. He also is into wood-carving, carvings, of course, of penises, with clocks, utensils, and a variety of items any man would be proud to display in his man cave. All of this is great and swell, but what his museum was missing is the most treasured of specimens, the homo sapiens.

During “The Final Member” we follow Siggi’s quest for the piece that will make his museum and in fact, his life, complete. You see, Siggi is getting up in his years, and as a man who is proud of his museum he knows that without the human penis it’s just a collection of stuff. Low and behold enter two people, Pall Arason and Tom Mitchell. Pall is an elderly gentleman, an Icelandic legend not only for his adventurous nature, but also for his womanizing. Pall has decided that upon his death he would like to donate his penis to the museum, and Siggi is thrilled because what would be a better way to “complete” the collection than with an Icelandic legend. There is also Tom, however, who states “I felt ever since I was a kid that when the time came I didn’t want my penis to go to waste when I died.”, and has named his penis “Elmo.” He decides, though, that he would like to donate his penis while he is still alive, a fact that makes Siggi curious but also excited because he won’t have to wait for Pall to kick the bucket. Tom, however, is a weird dude, and if you think Siggi is obsessed with the penis, that’s nothing compared to Tom who has come up with how he wants his penis preserved, displayed, and even Siggi says of Tom, “This is a funny guy.”

Sure this is a little bit of a spoiler alert, but the movie does end with Siggi getting “The Final Member,” and the ending triumph scene is awesome. I was so happy for him at the end I almost got a little weepy. I will, however, not spoil two of the best scenes in the movie only to say that yes, they do involve the penises of Pall and Tom.

A lot of documentaries can be boring, drag on, and get preachy, but I was happy to find “The Final Member” a fascinating look at man’s obsession with his penis, blending the oddly serious nature of Siggi’s quest to complete his collection with a mix of humor that, well, goes along the line of how people generally find talking about the penis funny. It’s 5 stars out of 5 for “The Final Member.” Women will just shake their heads watching and wondering why men can be so obsessed with it, while the men will fully understand and maybe pull out the ruler to see if their penis is of legal length.

A great movie, and I now have a new vacation destination, the Icelandic Phallological Museum. The trick, now, will be convincing my wife we should go to Iceland.

That’s it for this one! L8R!!