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Valentine
Movie Stats & Links

Starring: Denise Richards, David Boreanaz, Marley Shelton, Jessica Capshaw, Jessica Cauffiel
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Warner Bros.
Web Site: www.valentinemovie.com
Kiddie Movie: It would bore them.
Date Movie: It would bore her.
Gratuitous Sex: Sadly no.
Gratuitous Violence: Some, but nothing you haven't seen.
Action: Nah.
Laughs: The movie.
Memorable Scene: None.
Memorable Quote: Paige: "You brought me up here to show me your penis?"
A little later the dude responds: "Well, wax it."  Paige does, literally.
Directed By: Jamie Blanks
Produced By: Dylan Sellers

Valentine
A Movie Review

MPAA Rated - R

It's 1:36 Long

A Review by
The Dude on the Right
Iím starting to think that ever since the "Scream" trilogy it will be next to impossible to make a slasher film. It used to be that every slasher film had some of the same elements: stupid girls, dudes begging to get killed, a boob-shot here and there, maybe a little sex, anticipation music, etc. You knew the people were stupid, that they would end up dead, but you expected that. Then came "Scream" and its poking fun at the slasher movie genre, and now slasher films just canít be the same. Why? Probably because now we expect more, we expect a challenge, but instead we get the same horror film we have always gotten before, which used to just suffice, but now it just seems stupid. Take "Valentine" for example.

In "Valentine" we get the story of revenge. Jeremy was picked on back in the sixth grade, so much so he ended up in reform school for allegedly attacking a girl. But he was framed. Years later a group of friends start dying and he is the missing link. The only problem is that he has disappeared from the face of the Earth. One by one the friends get a Valentine and one by one they wind up dead. And you know what, I think thatís all you need of the plot because if you choose to sit through this movie there shouldnít be anything that will surprise you.

Hereís some examples of lack of surprises: A dudette is supposed to cut a cadaver then gets distracted outside by some noises then comes back to the cadaver where it starts to breath then she gets scared and turns her back and then the cadaver is gone. Guess what happens to her next? Another scene has a dude going to fix the water heater, we see an axe in a hunk of log next to the water heater, the dude bends down to light the pilot, the axe is missing from the log. Guess what happens next?

And those are just a few of the things that wonít surprise you. Here are some more. You have a group of people whose friends keep dying yet they donít report mysterious Valentineís Day cards to the police; You have a detective who is dumber than Barney Fife as well as a sleaz-pot trying to hit on Paige (Denise Richards), but then again who wouldnít?; You have the mysterious new boyfriend that no one knows about so you think he might be the killer; and you have the Valentineís Day party where the power goes out. Duh.

So, "Valentine" is a movie full of no surprises. Not quite. Here are a couple of surprises that totally ruined the movie. One Ė no blatant nudity. Sure, there was some stupid modern art exhibit, and Denise Richards wore some nice shirts, but all of our girls kept their shirts on. I ask you, what kind of slasher film is that? Second Ė no quality kills. Sure the bad dude wields a giant knife (but donít they all), has some fun with a drill, uses an axe, but they could have at least spent a little money on some real gore.

Sadly Iím only going to give "Valentine" Ĺ star out of 5. The only fun I really had in this movie was the comical element that nothing was surprising. I got no real suspense, I got the same killer, I got laughs saying "Here comes blood dripping from his nose", and I got no boob shot and no quality kills. What a waste.

Thatís it for this one! Iím The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

 

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