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Mission to Mars
Movie Stats & Links

Starring: Gary Sinise, Don Cheadle, Connie Nielsen, Jerry O'Connell
MPAA Rated: PG
Released By: Touchstone Pictures
Kiddie Movie: Actually, if you want to score points with the parents, bring along the kid brother. This is a perfect movie to show her your fatherly instincts.
Date Movie: See "Date?"
Gratuitous Sex: No. Just sappy dialog.
Gratuitous Violence: No guns, no punches.
Action: Lots of cool outer space explosions and a real cool death by vortex scene.
Laughs: Just at the cheesy plot and dialog.
Memorable Scene: As mentioned before, death by vortex.
Memorable Quote: Uh… No…
Directed By: Brian De Palma
Produced By: Tom Jacobson

Mission to Mars
A Movie Review

MPAA Rated - PG

It's 1:53 Long

A Review by
Stu Gotz
Truth be told, I haven’t seen such a cheesy space flick since "Star Wars" or "The Black Hole." Considering one of those movies became a classic and launched a billion dollar career, "Mission to Mars" is in some pretty good company, though I doubt it will become a classic.

M2M is set 20 years in the future. Apparently NASA has survived the budget axe and actually got their contractor’s heads out of their asses. In the future, people drink beer out of square boxes, drive electric cars, and we have a space lab that will actually stay in orbit without needing duct tape. So sure is NASA of its Mars program that they actually launch 2 missions that have married couples on board. Too bad we don’t get to see any zero gravity nookie in this movie. Anyway, mission one is all fine and dandy until they come across a huge metal building covered by sand. Apparently the Martians that built the building had one hell of a home security system because when the astronauts try to check the place out they get sucked into a sand storm vortex. Guess NASA’s consultants didn’t see that coming. Only Don Cheadle survives. Hey wait!!! I thought in all Sci-Fi movies the black guys and walk-on characters always die? Well anyway, with mission one shot to shit, the crew for mission two heads out for a search and recovery mission. Sure enough their mission turns to shit, but they do manage to crash land after loosing Tim Robbins in what seemed to be an emotional, Academy Award scene that can’t get over its poorly written dialog and further hindered by some really bad music (this movie has a really bad score when it comes to the emotional scenes). Yadda, yadda, bing, bang, boom… We discover that the mysterious building happens to be the "face" on Mars and is actually an intergalactic welcoming station (kind of like the one when you drive into Florida but without the free orange juice) that reveals the secret… STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON"T WANT THE END SPOILED… I’M WARNING YOU… OK, YOU ASKED FOR IT… Mars was once a thriving planet much like earth is now, but that all came to an end when a big meteor crashed into it. The Martians that did survive fled for other parts of the galaxy and also seeded an uninhabited Earth with their DNA. So… All things on Earth are descendents from Mars.

M2M tried to be an emotional movie, but it was so poorly written that I’m surprised the major actors that starred in this movie could say their lines with a straight face (now that’s talent). When it wasn’t being sappy, the movie did move pretty well, so I never got board. Plus M2M had some great special effects. Combine that with the fact that there was no foul language that I can recall, nor nudity, Mission to Mars may be the best PG movie that I’ve seen in a long time (since "The Mummy"). Not a deep plot to get lost in, and lots of real cool special effects makes this movie a bore for most adults, but perfect for the kiddies. All that being said, I’m going to give "Mission to Mars" 4 of 5 stars because not all movies are meant to be critically acclaimed art. No, sometimes movies just need to fill an entertainment niche, and this one does that well. Even with the cheesy story "Mission to Mars" was entertaining. That’s tough to do and I’m Stu Gotz, ‘nuff said!

 

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