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House of Wax
Movie Stats & Links

Starring: Elisha Cuthbert, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Van Holt, Paris Hilton,
Jared Padalecki, Jon Abrahams
MPAA Rated: R
Released By: Warner Bros.
Web Site: www.houseofwaxmovie.com
Kiddie Movie: Ah, hell no.
Date Movie: She might get a little scared and snuggle.
Gratuitous Sex: Nah, Paris doing a striptease and Elisha in some tight shirts is all you get.
Gratuitous Violence: Some very good quality kills.
Action: Lots of running and screaming.
Laughs: Just the normal horror movie types.
Memorable Scene: Paris Hilton has one of the better quality kills, or rather her getting quality killed.
Memorable Quote: Nah.
Directed By: Jaume Collet-Serra
Produced By: Joel Silver, Robert Zemeckis, Susan Levin

House of Wax
A Movie Review

MPAA Rated - R

It's 1:43 Long

A Review by
The Dude on the Right
It was Sunday morning, Iím coming off a high of seeing the new Star Wars the day before, and Iím trying to catch up on some of my movie seeing. My choices at my local gigaplex: "House of Wax," "Crash," "Monster-in-Law," and "Millions." For me, on this morning, I wasnít in the mood for a cute movie with kids, still canít bring myself to justify seeing J. Lo and J. Fo even though I thought the trailer looked kinda funny, wasnít in the mood to really think much for "Crash," so I opted for "House of Wax" where I might at least get some decent quality kills, a cheesy film, and maybe some nudity. As Meat Loaf once said, "Two Out of Three Ainít Bad." Actually, it sort of was three out of three, but Iím not counting the boob being sculptured.

So you get six young adults heading to a college game and they decide to take this short cut, only it ends up being a long cut because of an unforeseen work detour. So what are young adults to do? Well, find a deserted patch in the back woods and camp out of course. Oddly enough a strange pick-up truck stops by, and after much demanded by our band of heroes for him to turn off his headlights, out bad-boy of the group decides to toss a beer bottle, yes, breaking one of the headlights (a much necessary plot point, because how would you recognize this truck later when instrumental to the horrorness of the movie?)

Look, Iím not really going to waste your time with more of the plot because actually "House of Wax" gives us every standard of your "Friday the 13th" horror lessons. You know, things like "Donít throw a beer bottle at a strange pick-up in the middle of the backwoods when you donít have any weaponry," "Donít take a ride from a weird dude straight out of ĎDeliveranceí who likes to dump the roadkill at a gulley near where you camped," "Donít have sex," "Donít split up," and for goodness sake "Donít forget to check if the bad dude is really dead!" Those lessons and more were never taught to our band of heroes, and you know what that means, some sex, some creepy dudes, some gratuitous violence, and your ever so standard horror flick.

There is really nothing special about "House of Wax," but you know what, that was okay. On this Sunday when I woke up, as it turned out, I was just in the mood for a movie where I didnít have to think, where everything would be straight out of the "How to make a cheesy horror movie" handbook, and would get to, in a worst case, see some girls in bras. With that, "House of Wax" gave me everything I was looking for.

In the end I didnít hate "House of Wax," didnít really think it was that great either, and was going to give it 2 stars out of 5, but then one thing occurred to me - As much as I am not a Paris Hilton fan, I must say that her demise in "House of Wax" was one of the better quality kills I have seen in a while. With that itís 3 Ĺ stars out of 5, and if Elisha Cuthbert would just get naked already, this would have easily hit the 4 star mark on my meter.

Thatís it for this one! Iím The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

 

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