Would you ever clip your nails in a church?

So I’m in church as I’m wont to do on a Sunday morning a while ago, with my head bowed down in reverent prayer. Okay, it’s before mass has started, I’ve said a quick prayer, and now the A.D.D. in me is letting my mind wander and look around, noticing the flowers on the alter, scoping out what some people are wearing, and checking out what songs are set to be sung in the “follow-along-with-the-mass” handout (I’m becoming a fan of John Angotti). For this mass my wife and I are in the front row for the section which does leave some extra space to stretch your legs a bit, and then I spot it, out of the corner of my eye. No, it’s not someone in in bad shoes, it’s a toenail. Yup, there on the ground, gross as can be, a toenail. I start to get the heebeegeebees, look around the floor a little more, and yup, there’s a second! Ewwwwww!

After my initial grossness I do what every husband would probably do, I nudge my wife and point out the toenails to her. She, of course, isn’t as grossed out as I would hope, says they look more like fingernails than toenails, and comes up with some cockamamie explanation of someone trimmed their nails, probably wrapped them in a tissue and put them in their pocket or purse for disposal later, and then when the person needed something out of their pocket or purse, the clippings fell out.

Me, I envisioned some heathen, taking off their shoes before mass, pulling out the nail clippers, and giving themselves a pedicure right there, in the pew, before mass started, letting the clippings fly all over the church, but such is my mind.

I was careful not to step on the clippings when I got out of the pew, watched people waking by to see if any of them would step on the clippings, and then decided my plight: Would you ever clip your nails in church?

That’s it for this plight! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!