Thanks to Howard Stern I’m Now Just Greedy.

By:

The Dude on the Right

I’ve always had two answers as to why I haven’t found, nor actively looked for,
a woman to marry yet.  One was that right now I like all of my stuff. 
When the day comes that I only like half of my stuff I will then actively pursue
the woman of my dreams.  I can then be content knowing that if, or as seems
to be the case nowadays when, my marriage comes to an end, the only thing I have
to hope is that she likes the half of my stuff I no longer like.  In a
worst case scenario I am stuck with half of my stuff that I did like at one
time.

The other answer was because of a man.  I suppose that really isn’t
an answer, but rather his name led to a pathway of explanations that seemed to
make so much sense.  He explained many a time why marriage is the worst
contract a man can ever enter into.  He also explained, as he seemed to be
in complete bliss with girlfriend, as to why would he want to change anything
with the woman he loved since things were going so well.  He also explained
that if things did need to end, that by not being married it would be easier to
complete the split.  He explained that there didn’t seem to be a reason to
be married as neither of them wanted children.  And he also commented on
all of the things that would likely change with marriage, like less sex, more
getting ordered around, and the wife letting herself go physically, things that
he has seen happen with those around him who tied the knot.  That man was
Howard Stern.

But I
can use him no more because this morning he announced that he is officially
engaged to his long-time girlfriend,
Beth Ostrosky.  Yes,
congratulations are in order, and Howard tried really hard to explain, well,
that he is only engaged, and not married.  But lots of men, this morning,
lost their probable last excuse for justification to their girlfriend that they
shouldn’t get married.  "Honey, look at how happy Howard Stern is with his
girlfriend, and they aren’t married.  Why would we want to risk our love
with such a drastic change?" – Sorry dudes, you can’t use that line, anymore. 
"Honey, we don’t need to have a silly ceremony to profess our love. 
Everyone can see the love we have for each other by our actions, just like
Howard and Beth!" – Nope, dudes, forget about that one, also.

Being 39 I
suppose I could still use Howard Stern as my excuse, for a little while longer,
as to why I haven’t found the perfect woman, like when, at the local watering
hole, my buddies ask "Dude, why haven’t you found the woman of your dreams?", I
can simply say "Because she’s not old enough to get in this bar, yet."

Anyway,
congrats again to Howard (and Beth)!  Beth sounds like a sweetheart and he
seems totally lucky to have found her.  But this morning Howard Stern also
threw lots of dudes under the bus because all they will be hearing now from
their dudette is "… but Howard proposed to Beth?"  I’ve at least got a
little while longer to use Howard Stern as my reason for not finding the girl I
will marry.  After that, I guess, I’m just a greedy bastard because it will
take a truly special girl to stop me from liking all of my stuff.

That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!

  • Paul

    Now I’ve got to come up with a different reason to blow-off marrying my girlfriend.