The Dude on the Right
Coming back to the Dude-Pad this evening, I really expected nothing eventful,
but who would have thought a quick trip to the grocery store would have been so,
eventful? No, that’s not the right word. Maybe exciting? Nah,
that’s not it even. I guess all I can say is it gave me this blog
inspiration. You can call the story what you want (I’m guessing "boring,"
though I hope "relatable" might be a better word choice), but for me, it was
filled with being a little peeved, being a good sport, watching a crash, being a
lot peeved, trying not to get in a car crash, and grinning. All of that
with a little trip to a grocery store.
Anyway, like I said, I’m on the way
back to the Dude-Pad and realize there are a couple of things I needed to pick
up for dinner. Actually there were three things I needed, two for dinner,
and one for my super-fancy heating & cooling system. It was when I got
back home and I walked past my thermostat that I said, under-my-breath,
"Fuck." That was because I also needed some batteries for the thermostat,
which has been screaming at me for a couple of weeks to replace its batteries.
Okay, not really screaming, just blinking indiscriminately "Replace batteries."
Fine, I forgot the batteries, but I digress. Let’s get back to the grocery
So I pull into the parking lot, get an okay space, and I get a little
peeved. It’s not something someone did to me, it’s what someone did to
someone else. What heinous act did someone do? They were too "f"-in
lazy to put their shopping cart in the cart-corral. And you know what,
they were also too "f"-in lazy to even get their cart out of the way.
Nope, they left it right behind another car. Being the nice guy I am, and
it wasn’t too much of a diversion, I grabbed the cart and proceeded to corral it
in the cart-corral. Man, I’m such a good dude.
I make it into the store,
grab the two things I need, and view a fantastic "cart into
crash. I love these crashes because it’s like this person getting plowed
over by a shopping cart has never been in a grocery store before. Ah, some
humor before soon being pissed.
And I was soon to be pissed.
Most of the
lines were long, but my local grocery store has four "self check-out" areas.
Because of this the grocery store got rid of the "Express" lanes with an actual
checker, but my leaving should be short and swift, until, well, I get to the
self check-outs, and they are filled with people who have totally full shopping
carts. What totally boggles my mind is that these people have no concept
that if they had actually gotten in a full-service line, their trip would
probably be shorter. Why? Because a normal line, with a checker and
a bagger, can knock out a full cart of groceries in no time, let alone a couple
or three, rather than you, the shopper, reaching into your cart, trying to get
the item to scan (God forbid you have to actually look up a fruit or vegetable
product code), bag it, fill up the bag, move the bag out of the bagging area and
back into your cart, and continuing this maddening cycle, when all I have are
two items to scan, bag, pay, and get the hell out of the store. But no,
YOU THINK YOU ARE SAVING TIME BY TAKING YOUR FULL CART OF GROCERIES THROUGH THE
SELF CHECK-OUT LANE BUT ALL IT REALLY SHOWS IS THAT YOU ARE A COMPLETE HORSE’S
A couple of people line up behind me, and we all shake our heads at
the assholes in front of us. Finally a spot opens up and about one minute
later, I am out the door. God I hate inconsiderate people sometimes.
my trip to the grocery wasn’t finished, and I’m not exactly sure if I can put
the ending of this into words, but I’ll try.
I get to my car, safely stow my
bag of two items, which should have been three if I had bought the damn
batteries I still need, but anyway, I start to pull out of the grocery store
parking lot. There I am, dude-mobile at the exit, looking to make a right
turn. The road’s a little busy, I keep looking to the left to see if it’s
clear, and then a big ol’ SUV pulls up next to me in the left-turn lane. I
can sort of see through his windows to see if my turn is clear, but can’t budge
any further forward because that would have put the nose of my mobile 1/4 into
the traffic lane. I’m fine with that, but then he pulls forward just a tad
and now my window-viewing access is gone (to all people in SUVs – You can
lag back a bit behind us shorter cars because you can see over us. Unlike
Superman, I can’t see through metal you fucking assholes! Quit being
pricks. I’m sorry, back to trying to turn.) Anyway, we’re sort of at
a stand-off. I can’t see what’s coming from the left, the SUV prick is
still waiting to turn, and now the jerk-off behind me is getting impatient.
All of a sudden the SUV sprints out into the street and gets his left turn,
followed quickly by a car in the lane I want to be in, cruising by. And
then the miserable douche-bag behind me honks his horn.
There are many horn
honks. There is the slight tap horn honk which nicely says "You are
daydreaming, but the light has turned green so get going" one. There is
the longer horn honk which urges "Hey, we’ve been sitting here for a couple of
seconds with the light green and you are still putting on make-up. Get
your dumb-ass going" one. Then there is the "I’m an impatient prick and I
can’t see why you didn’t put yourself in harm’s way even though you couldn’t see
how quickly someone was coming from the other direction who might slam into your
car as you pull out of this grocery store parking lot" one. The miserable
douche-bag behind me used the latter.
I’m not a road-rage kind of person, I
usually just kind of take it in stride, but looking in my rear-view mirror, I
could see this dude was really annoyed. But there were still cars coming
my way, so I couldn’t safely make a turn, and then, finally, a little gap opens
up, and I safely make my right turn, with room, for really, only one car to
safely make the turn. But not douche-bag man behind me. Nope, he
quickly darts into the lane, makes the turn, and as I see him in my rear-view
mirror, I mutter to myself, "What an asshole."
Inquisitive as I am (and hoping
this dude isn’t a total psycho and trying to catch me), I keep checking my
rear-view mirror, and I now see him, leaning over to the passenger seat, trying
to clean up some spilling. From the looks of things it looked like his
impatience made him spill his groceries all over the front seat, and in my head
I said to myself, "Self, you see, impatient douche-bags get their own payback in
the end." I couldn’t help but grin, as I watched the dude in my rear-view
mirror trying to clean up the mess in his front seat, but then worried, just a
tad, that now this prick was going to rear-end me because he wasn’t paying attention to the world around him, let alone, the car, my car, in front of him.
Well, he didn’t rear-end
me, and I made it home, safe and sound, and now wrote a blog longer than some
reviews I write. Oh well, I hope I at least depicted my trip to the
grocery store in a way most of you can understand, or could at least relate.
And, oh yea, in case you were wondering, and I’ll bet you weren’t, but dinner
turned out fabulous (fresh garlic and some good wine never hurt).
That’s it for this one! I’m The Dude on the Right!! L8R!!!