$27,852 – Throw a Wedding or Head to Fiji. You Can Have Both.

Well, wedding season is upon us, and I have received my first wedding
invitation of the season. As I was filling in the RSVP I was wondering how much
one of these "celebrations" cost people nowadays. According to USA Today the
average wedding is $27,852. Holy hell!!! Do you know what one could do with that
kind of cash???? Here are some better things one could do with $27,852

  • Put a down-payment on a new pad.
  • Buy a new, pretty nice car.
  • Buy a Harley.
  • Go on an exotic vacation to Fiji, Tahiti, Hawaii, or just a kick-ass,
    first-class-all-the-way vacation to someplace not as exotic.
  • Buy a kick-ass entertainment center
  • Redo your existing pad
  • Or yes, as boring as it might sound, you could invest the cash and
    retire, hopefully a year or two earlier.
  • Any way you look at it there are a whole lot of things better one could do
    with the money then feed your fat, bastard friends and family. Mind you this
    $27,852 price tag also takes into account you invited 400 people. (That actually
    seems kind of cheap to me, $69.63 per person – I suppose if you could convince
    each guest to pony up $100 and not buy you a crystal bowl then maybe getting
    married might not be a bad idea.) Sorry, I digressed. Now who knows 400 people
    that they actually like enough to feed and get liquored up??? Anyone?? I don’t
    think I could possibly think of 100 people I like enough to feed and buy
    numerous round of drinks for. What a scam?

    But wait… I also discovered a bigger wedding scam in my search.  I found
    you can actually buy wedding insurance. Now whomever thought of that was a
    genius, getting the idea to once again capitalize on the entire wedding
    "tradition." It looks like you can pay money to cover wedding costs for a
    drunken family member busting a hip while dancing the Macarena, death or illness
    of one of the love birds, a runaway bride, wardrobe mishaps, and even the cost
    of redoing those precious photos because you hired your cousin to take those
    photos and they got lost in his drunken partying. Got to admit this is the
    biggest scam next to selling vitamins or cleaning products!

    Now I know there are some people out there saying, "Oh, Trash, you are just
    bitter cuz you ain’t married." My answer: "Thank heavens!" I cannot imagine
    spending that kind of cash on something, especially adding the religious
    ceremony aspect to it. I don’t go to church and plunk down that kind of dough to
    be preached at, so why do it now??? Let us not forget that what actually makes
    you married is when you sign a legal contract with the government stating that
    you want to be tied to another human being for the rest of your life. So the
    next time you are heading off to a wedding, go ahead and toss the same amount of
    money in that wedding envelope that you would when you attend church on Sunday.
    Oh, in my case I guess that means… Nothing!

    Thinking about it, though, if
    I ever do get married, maybe I’ll just put on the wedding invite what I think is
    an appropriate gift, probably about 60% above what the blessed event is actually
    costing me.  That would pay for a nice, exotic vacation, I mean honeymoon,
    on top of it all.  Would that be tacky?

    See ya!
    Trash 🙂

    Why Are People Killing People? My Research says Global Warming.

    Well it’s been awhile since my last "Trash" and the past few weeks have been
    pretty rough in the news. I mean we have not seen a drunken Britney sighting in
    weeks (except for the supposed lame concert she put on in L.A. yesterday) and at
    this point I would love to see Jessica Simpson shave her head just to bring
    humor back to the news. Instead we keep hearing about people killing people –
    Pretty much a bummer, so I needed to put some thought into this trash.

    So what has gone all crazy these days that nut jobs are going around and
    shooting up people and places??? Think about it: There have been bullies for
    decades, there have been bad parents for decades, there have been video games
    since Atari, and we stressed over making sure aliens were dead or the asteroid
    was destroyed, but you didn’t see my generation freaking out.  Much.

    Soooooo, what changed?!?

    Well it hit me like the smell of Britney’s un-pantied crotch. Global Warming.
    I think some tax dollars need to be spent on this one – Global Warming I mean
    and not the smell of Britney’s un-pantied crotch, and maybe they could also
    throw some money on researching why people think all Catholics must like Notre
    Dame football (This year’s star player picked in the NFL draft at number
    twenty-"what" instead of number five? Hee-hee!)

    Think about it – The oceans are getting hotter. Did ya ever run into the
    ocean and feel angry? Hell no, unless you realized your car keys were in your
    pocket and they just went out to sea. When you run into the ocean you feel
    refreshed, calm, cool. So, with the ocean being a smidge warmer, a dip in the
    ocean just isn’t that damn refreshing and as a result you get pissed and can’t
    cope with life.

    Think about it, again – The weather is getting warmer up North. Did ya ever
    run out into the snow as a kid (not as an adult, adults are always angry about
    snow) and feel angry? Hell no, unless you realized your brother had a kick-ass,
    ice packed, snowball to throw at the back of your head. When you run outside,
    into the snow, you feel refreshed, calm, cool. So, with the weather in the North
    being a smidge warmer, running out into the snow just isn’t that damn
    refreshing, and as a result you get pissed and can’t cope with life.

    So I guess until this research comes out and "experts" (my favorite kind of
    people) tell us what the research means, my advice is… COPE WITH LIFE! It has
    sucked for generations before us and will suck for generations after us. Find
    humor, keep smiling, and you will survive and succeed beyond your (or any of the
    bullying bastards) expectations.

    And, oh yea, quit with the shooting up of people and places, it just pisses
    me off and since the ocean isn’t as refreshing anymore I’m having trouble coping
    with your not coping with life.  Maybe I should have bought a plane ticket
    to L.A. to see The M+M’s concert, I mean Britney Spears, to set me straight for
    a couple of weeks.

    See ya!
    Trash 🙂

    You Never Know Where You’ll Find “White Trash” These Days.

    I think it is getting harder and harder to know who is white trash these
    days. I blame home interest rates being low and the crappy market. Let me

    I live in a good, middle-class neighborhood. We all live in nice houses (not
    trailers and not manufactured homes which you might associate with the white
    trash nation), we have yards, and many of us have kids playing in backyards. We
    also have a nice, little, wooded area across the way that once in awhile a deer
    comes walking out of to stroll down the street. Well, this peace and harmony was
    shattered the other night, around 1:30AM, when I hear someone arguing in the
    neighbor’s driveway. Now this is not a stretch since my window was open and
    faces the driveway, but I was fortunate enough to hear a good ole, white trash,
    Jerry Springer
    fight! And to make it more interesting, apparently the argument was over the
    phone so of course it was more appropriate for the fight to be held outside
    instead of in the house. Hell, Jerry wouldn’t turn off the cameras if he were
    here so why should my neighbor go inside of his house? Remember, white trash
    always needs an audience. The argument ranged from needing a paternity test
    (although there is no way he raped her since he was out of town that weekend) to
    her “ma” spent all the money so she is shit out of luck.

    Now don’t get me wrong, this argument was also very educational. I heard the
    word "fuck" used in ways I never thought possible, with my world being opened up
    to whole new way of using “fuck” as an adjective. There was also a legal lesson.
    You see my neighbor "looked it up," he could get her charged with felony
    trespessin’ if she came over to the house. I would LOVE to see the local law
    enforcement handling that one and would actually grab a lawn chair, pop some
    popcorn, and film it for “COPS.

    The argument went on for a good half hour, but apparently he had to cut the
    argument short because the pickup truck was running in the driveway. But thank
    God he shut off the truck so he could call back and argue some more! Whew! I did
    not think a half hour of degrading a woman was long enough and it definitely
    needed that half hour more. Really, who would want to miss another half hour of
    hearing fuck describe every noun in a sentence! But rather than complain about
    the argument I guess I was lucky that night because the neighbor’s fucking
    rottweiler shut up that night instead of its normal barking at 1:30AM.

    Anyone in the market for a nice, middle-class house?

    See ya!
    Trash 🙂

    Why Do Men Understand Boobs Better Than Women?

    So, I have shared

    my nudie bar adventure
    in Vegas to the masses, and what I have noticed is
    that all you men out there appreciate my experience. You all are interested in
    how good the boobs looked, what size they were, if they were perfectly shaped,
    and if they were just generally attractive. These are the types of questions I
    had hoped would come out of my experience: An appreciation of the cosmetic
    surgeon’s work.

    BUT THEN… Here come the girlfriends, wives, and general psycho females to
    ruin my investigative reporting, who are more interested in trying to make the
    sweet stripper into a cow with breasts. Now this is what I do not understand:
    Women have breasts, most having breasts by the time they are 30 that are usually
    bigger then a 5 year olds. So by the time you are in your thirties I expect a
    woman to understand what a breast size means. Hell, most men I know can tell me
    what size my breasts are without a tape measure! Apparently the concept a 40D
    breast size that is SILICONE or SALINE, a.k.a. AN IMPLANT must now somehow
    equate to the size of the women. Have you picked up a Playboy magazine lately
    ladies (you know you allllllll want too)? Fake boobs are perfect and usually
    much, much larger then anything a woman of age 23, weighing 115 lbs, would ever
    have as an act of nature. So when I am telling you that the sweet and cute
    stripper had 40D boobs, DON’T tell me she was fat. First off, she was not. She
    was far from fat, and because I know she had silicone implants, having larger
    boobs just made sense – If you are sending a skilled surgeon into your chest to
    improve something, and it isn’t your heart, you sure are not going for the 32A
    special – That would seem pretty pointless.

    So please, girls, I know you don’t like when your husband, boyfriend,
    booty-call nor lesbian lover likes looking at other women’s breasts, but don’t
    start bashing the girls that possess them. This does not make you better then
    her, does not make your significant-other worship you more, it mostly makes you
    seem jealous! Ladies, sometimes we have to THINK before we speak! Geez!!!!

    See ya!
    Trash 🙂

    Las Vegas Has Boobs, and They Feel Nice.

    I just got back from my annual Las Vegas trip. Each time I visit I like to
    try something new and this time the cosmic Vegas energy pulled me toward a nudie
    bar. Yepper, I said “nudie bar,” otherwise known as a Gentleman’s Club. These
    places are pretty much a mystery for most of the girlfriends and wives in the
    world, and I can officially say that what you think happens in there is nothing
    close to reality. Granted I can only speak to the one I went into, but it was
    Vegas, and it was a nudie bar. Kicking off, the girls that I met are really
    great to talk to, and I learned a great deal about the business. I am sure you
    don’t want those boring details so I will move onto the good stuff…. breasts.
    Yes, I finally got my hands on a good, silicone-filled breast. I have always
    wanted to feel one of those (having been blessed with big, natural hooters, I
    don’t need to enhance mine), and I have always thought they looked different –
    Perfectly round and both boobs match, which is not the case with real ones. They
    are a little firmer then real ones, but all in all I would have to say they feel
    pretty damn nice, kind of like a firm pillow, which was proven when the girls
    allowed me to do a “motor-boat” in them. I also have to mention that the girl’s
    skin is the softest I have ever felt, next to a baby’s. The skin treatments
    these girls use definitely pays off, leaving their skin kind of like a firm
    pillow with flannel sheets.

    Now it was also brought to my attention that you guys out there are not
    allowed to touch these soft, firm boobs, which would explain why every guy in
    the place had their hands hanging off the sides of the chair like they were
    paralyzed, I guess so that Brutus the bouncer doesn’t come over and kick your
    ass. So, any vision women have that the guy is groping the girl on his lap is
    pretty much wrong, unless the girl gives permission (which does not seem to be
    often). Pretty much he cannot touch her. I was also a little surprised by the
    lap dance experience. Now don’t get me wrong, it is pretty cool, but it is the
    only time the girl had no top on. Also, since there was alcohol being served,
    she had on a g-string, so she is not completely naked. The lap dance is pretty
    much a lot of rubbing and boobs in your face only she does the rubbing and
    you’re not rubbing her, although I did get a spank in on her firm, little butt
    (I am a female so Brutus was not going to kick my ass).

    I was disappointed in the stage dancers because they didn’t do acrobatic
    stunts on the pole. I guess Hollywood makes that look more interesting, but for
    the most part the girls just danced around the stage, around the pole. A little
    bit of a bummer.

    All in all I think women need to visit a nudie bar at least once and see that
    what you think is going on is much worse then the reality of what is going on.
    There is a difference between a hooker and a stripper, or exotic dancer as they
    are sometimes called, and granted some strippers may blur the line. But if your
    man is willing to do that, a strip club is the least of your worries. And
    besides, the sex you get from your man after he has been all teased up by a
    stripper is definitely worth the price of his admission to these places. So
    girls, LIGHTEN UP!

    See Ya!

    I’m In The Afternoon of Anna Nicole Smith.

    I have gone past my period of mourning and am now into afternoon over Anna
    Nicole Smith. I realized that I could not make a convincing argument that I was
    the father of her daughter. Too bad. I also have not been able to place any of
    my sperm-toting buddies in the same room with her at any point of time to claim
    they are the father.

    It does seem a damn shame this was never a
    "Jerry Springer"
    nor "Maury Povich"
    episode ‘cuz I love a good paternity fight. Think about it! It would have been
    great to see Zsa Zsa up there crying, with mascara rolling down her face, while
    Prince Zsa Zsa claimed the baby as his love child. Oh, and let’s not forget good
    ole Howard K Stern. I figured he would be picking up a chair and throwing it at
    the ex-boyfriend calling him a liar. The whole time Anna would be attempting to
    say something that did not sound like "mumbled ramblings." Too bad!

    Every time I see Jerry or Maury have a good ole paternity fight I have to
    chuckle. I mean loosing track of who you slept with at the same time as getting
    pregnant has got to be embarrassing, especially when the 3-4 guys that "have to
    be" the father turn out not to be. Oops, my bad. Guess it was the 6th guy (condoms
    might be a good idea at this point).

    I know sex is fun, but Ladies, have some self respect. A little spermicide
    with a rubber policeman (to serve and protect) goes a looooooonnnng way. If you
    do not like that idea, then keeping a calendar of who you banged, and when,
    could be. This might just help keep track of the papa to be.

    I also wonder why a guy would ever trust a woman in the pregnancy department
    anyway. I wouldn’t, and I am a woman. Hell, your clock is ticking; the eggs are
    running out, you think you are becoming an old hag that no one loves – What will
    fix that??? Oh, a baby will! Remember guys, there are actually girls out there
    that will advise their friends to get pregnant to trap the guy. Breaking news,
    this is not an old wive’s tale, it actually happens (seen it, heard it,
    witnessed it)! Tell ya one thing: NEVER TRUST A WOMAN. Unless of course she is a
    millionaire, then who cares if you knock her up….she will either pay for your
    silence or pay you to play daddy. Can’t lose there, can you?

    Now, boys, if you’re the millionaire you can guarantee a baby is coming out
    of that deal. Holy crap! That is the jackpot, you will definitely pay for her
    silence or, …wait, …there is no other option, you WILL pay for her silence. As
    you can tell I am on the boy’s side of this argument, mostly because I am tired
    of idiots reproducing. The world is screwed up with most of us in it, why do we
    think making a contribution of our genes will make it better? Please, there
    should be a screening process. Idiots get fixed (hey, if it is okay for dogs why
    not people?) and non-idiots are paired up with another non-idiots to make them

    Now wait, I do have to take a moment and feel bad for the baby girl of Anna
    Nicole, Dannielynn. She did not ask to be born to the fucked up situation,
    although some words of encouragement for her…. it could be worse, Mommy could be
    Britney Spears! Hmmm, do I see Britney filling the void Anna left behind! Hell
    yes, and I cannot wait to see and read more.

    See Ya!

    Maybe I Should Just Shave My Head.

    Okay, so I ran out of shampoo this weekend. Now it is important to realize
    I am very picky when it comes to my shampoo. I figure if a haircut costs
    $40.00 then I must have a pretty special head of hair. Why else would it
    cost so much, right? Yea, I know, they are sticking it to me. Well, since
    I’m picky about my shampoo I cannot just drive over to the Piggly Wiggly to buy
    it, this takes an actual trip with effort involved. So I drive over to one
    of the only two salons… See, fancy already, it is a SALON, not a grocery
    store, within 2 hours of my pad, to get my shampoo. Now, when I arrive, I
    am greeted at the door with a smile, and I rush over to the display with my
    magical brand of shampoo.
    AVEDA – oooh, earth
    and science in a bottle. Sadly I notice there is no 8.5 oz bottle of my
    shampoo type. Yes – my hair deserves a specific type of a specific brand,
    but there is only the 33.8 oz sized bottle. So I ask for the smaller
    bottle… I don’t have hair all over my body which requires that much shampoo… I
    come to find out AVEDA no longer makes it in the smaller bottle. Okay, one
    more person sticking it to me.

    So I have to suck it up and purchase the
    grizzly-bear sized bottle. Okay, so I didn’t pay attention to the cost of
    the grizzly-bear sized bottle (hmm, $40.00), but since I pay that much for a
    hair cut why should I complain? I smile, pay the girl, and drive home with
    my head all a tingle because I will be once again treating my hair with AVEDA –
    ooooh, earth and science in a bottle. So, I proceed to place the
    grizzly-bear sized bottle of shampoo… Oh wait! WHAT THE HELL? Yes,
    having not excelled in reading French in grammar school I missed that instead of
    shampoo I have a huge grizzly-bear sized bottle of CONDITIONER! Who in the
    hell needs a gigantic bottle of conditioner??? Also, when I specifically
    asked about SHAMPOOOOOO, how did the happy girl at the counter somehow hear
    AVEDA conditioner? And also, is it sooo difficult to clearly use the
    English language to boldly indicate CONDITIONER on a bottle? Hell, there
    is plenty of room on a 33.8 oz sized bottle to spell out conditioner in bold
    writing with underlines! Even the 8.5 oz of conditioner is in a different
    shaped bottle so you cannot get them confused. So now I must take a trip
    back to exchange for a bottle of shampoo and oh, by the way, the magical SALON
    is closed on Mondays so I, and my hair, have to wait even one more day. This makes me wonder: Is shaving my head really such a bad idea?

    See Ya!

    The Doomsday Clock, Simon Cowell is the Only One Who Cares, and My Demon Dog.

    Last week, in a nutshell, wasn’t too bad.

    First there was news of the
    Doomsday Clock moving
    5 minutes before midnight. Now at first I was a little concerned, I mean this
    clock is counting down to the end of the world – shouldn’t we all be stockpiling
    food and water? This has to be as bad as Y2K, right? Well isn’t it? Oh wait; I
    have no idea what the hell the Doomsday Clock is! Apparently I live under a rock
    because this is a very important turn of events. After a quick search on the
    information superhighway all is revealed. I found out that I don’t know anything
    about this clock because I missed every issue of the Bulletin of the Atomic
    Scientists, since 1947. Whew! I was really worried. Somehow that information was
    missing among
    global warming


    Britney Spears
    not wearing underwear while out partying. Which makes me
    wonder why in the world are a bunch of geeks changing time on a clip-art clock
    every time they decide some nuclear threat has changed (did I mention it is an
    arbitrary decision). Oh I know! They are

    Need I say more……?

    Then there is the start of
    American Idol. Now I
    must admit I do not care for the actual competition, I like to see the
    auditions. I mean come on; can you believe there are people who don’t realize
    they suck as bad as they do? I love the contestants that go up there, sing like
    goats being tortured, and cry when Simon tells them the truth. How is it
    possible that people can go through life actually thinking they have the best
    voice on the planet? Do all of their friends and families actually think they
    are good? Aren’t they supposed to love ya, or at least want to protect the
    family name? It is mind-boggling. From what I can tell the only person who
    actually loves these people (or humanity) is Simon. Hell, he will actually look
    you in the face and tell you the truth. There should be less bashing of Simon
    and more bashing of the uncaring family members who would rather you be
    publicly humiliated then tell you, in private, that you can’t sing.

    To round off my week I successfully took my demon dog to the vet. Now you
    have to experience my demon dog to truly understand the success of this event.
    My demon will bite just about anyone, at anytime, because you only thought about
    touching her (I have scars to prove it). Now since her demonic behavior did not
    appear until I had her for over 2 years, I couldn’t get rid of her because,
    well, she was my demon dog. So, after extensive training and Prozac (for me and
    the dog), I have been able to control most of her anger issues. This last one
    was a stress free trip to the vet (for me not her). Face it, what dog wants
    needles and fingers stuck in their butt? Usually this trip consists of a few
    sedatives and three to four vet assistances holding her still. This time, after
    five minutes and only three angry snaps at my hands, I was able to get a muzzle
    on her. This was then followed by a calm, quiet, sober dog taking a shot in her
    butt, and allowing fingers up her butt, without so much as a whimper. Could this
    mean the exorcism worked? Only time will tell.

    See Ya!

    I Can Be an “Expert” About Resolutions.

    I thought about making my first "Trash" entry all about me, about who I am,
    where I come from, but screw that.  If you want to know about me, my

    Entertainment Ave! bio is here

    So, you know what, here it is, the third week of January and I wondered how
    are all of those resolutions for 2007 are  working out for you? The answer
    is probably "Pretty damn bad."

    This year I decided to use the advice of "experts" to set my 2007 goals. 
    Hey, they are "experts," they get paid pretty good money to sit in a chair on
    CNN, and they give you advice. I figured those "experts" had to know something I
    didn’t – After all, how can you fail with advice like… "set realistic goals"
    and "don’t get discouraged if you slip."  Well, apparently, I do know
    something these "experts" do not know…..my life in 2006 is just as crappy as
    it was in 2007.

    Let’s take the resolution millions of American’s make every year.  "In
    2007, I will lose 10 pounds."  Now before I allowed myself to fail, I took
    the advice of "experts" and modified that goal to be "I will exercise at least
    20 minutes, three days a week (to get that Bowflex body of course)."  Well
    even as we speak I have managed to crank out only one 30 minute workout. 
    WHY!?  Easy!  I did not change jobs in 2007.  I have the same
    crappy hours.  I continue to work my ass off for 12 hours a day, five days
    a week, to come home tired.  And I manage to make my way to the couch when I
    get home, and have to convince myself tomorrow will be better.  Guess what! 
    It is not any better because I still have the same job with long hours!  If
    I actually had any chance of meeting my simple goal of exercising at least 20
    minutes, three days a week (to get that Bowflex body), I would have had to have
    achieved a different goal first…..find a  better job with fewer hours.  Oh,
    and screw that don’t get discouraged crap.  I was a human being in 2006,
    and I guess that I am still a human being in 2007.  So let us think about
    this one – If I had the human emotion of disappointment in 2006, I am guessing
    nothing magical happened at midnight, 2007, in whatever time-zone, to erase that
    human emotion (no spaceship took me on board and did experiments on me at
    midnight, I think).

    So I have to ask myself this new question…  "How does one become a CNN
    ‘expert?’"  My guess is they only work 10 hours a week and may not actually be
    human.  If I had that gig then I would have all of the time in the world to achieve
    my goal, and not feel bad if I didn’t!

    See Ya!